relationship drama

She can’t stop obsessing over her boyfriend’s gay past and the things she’s caught him doing

A woman says she suspects her boyfriend of five years might be into guys. Maybe he’s bisexual? Maybe he’s gay? She doesn’t know. So she’s writing to advice columnist Julia Naftulin at Insider for answers.

“I recently learned that my boyfriend of five years previously received oral sex from a man… twice,” the woman writes. “I’ve also caught him watching gay porn on multiple occasions.”

This has lead her to come to the conclusion that he must be bisexual.

“But whenever I ask him about his sexuality,” she continues, “he always claims not to be bisexual.”

Now, she isn’t sure what to say, think, or do.

“I’m wondering if, despite his insistence, he really is bisexual, or maybe he’s gay,” she writes. “How can I find out?”

In her response, Naftulin basically tells the woman to get a grip.

“It’s possible your boyfriend doesn’t want to box himself into a specific label because he simply doesn’t feel the need,” she writes.

Naftulin goes on to tell the woman to do some soul searching and ask herself why labeling her boyfriend’s sexuality is so important to her.

“I invite you to challenge whatever views you hold, and talk through the emotions you’re feeling in relation to sexuality, with your partner. Doing so will make your relationship a stronger and more understanding one.”

In conclusion, Naftulin tells the woman to “get curious, not frustrated” about her boyfriend’s sexual desires. Ask him about it. And really listen to his answers.

“If your main goal is to better understand your boyfriend’s sexual desires, you should focus your energy on supporting him regardless of what he finds erotic.”

Related: Her boyfriend watches gay adult films and is attracted to men — but doesn’t want to break up. HELP!