A woman says she suspects her boyfriend of five years might be into guys. Maybe he’s bisexual? Maybe he’s gay? She doesn’t know. So she’s writing to advice columnist Julia Naftulin at Insider for answers.
“I recently learned that my boyfriend of five years previously received oral sex from a man… twice,” the woman writes. “I’ve also caught him watching gay porn on multiple occasions.”
This has lead her to come to the conclusion that he must be bisexual.
“But whenever I ask him about his sexuality,” she continues, “he always claims not to be bisexual.”
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Now, she isn’t sure what to say, think, or do.
“I’m wondering if, despite his insistence, he really is bisexual, or maybe he’s gay,” she writes. “How can I find out?”
In her response, Naftulin basically tells the woman to get a grip.
“It’s possible your boyfriend doesn’t want to box himself into a specific label because he simply doesn’t feel the need,” she writes.
Naftulin goes on to tell the woman to do some soul searching and ask herself why labeling her boyfriend’s sexuality is so important to her.
“I invite you to challenge whatever views you hold, and talk through the emotions you’re feeling in relation to sexuality, with your partner. Doing so will make your relationship a stronger and more understanding one.”
In conclusion, Naftulin tells the woman to “get curious, not frustrated” about her boyfriend’s sexual desires. Ask him about it. And really listen to his answers.
“If your main goal is to better understand your boyfriend’s sexual desires, you should focus your energy on supporting him regardless of what he finds erotic.”
Related: Her boyfriend watches gay adult films and is attracted to men — but doesn’t want to break up. HELP!
wooly101
If she feels that much threaten she should break off the relationship. It is obvious the guy is not 100% into her.
BoylesqueBubble
This topic and Queerty’s obsession with various forms of it, has gotten really old. Slow day at the office for content?
WashDrySpin
Agreed…it is old and boring…
thisisnotreal
Ok playing devils advocate here…am
I the only one who feels like I would freak out a little in that situation as well? Not that I would immediately jump to accusing him of possibly cheating, but the idea of him possibly having unexplored layers of his sexuality and that leading to him potentially wanting to leave me to explore that side in the future? Yeah that would worry me a lot. I feel like any woman or man who’s dating someone who says they are into your gender and then suddenly finds out their partner is secretly consuming adult media featuring a different gender than you is cause for at least a little concern. As a gay man if I was dating another guy who told me he was gay but then was looking up female porn on the side, that would definitely cause me some concern about being left by him so that he can figure himself out
Aj76
I have to totally agree with you…
I was in that position once upon a time… I was married to a woman & she had her suspicions about me even when I didn’t know who I was & what I desired. It wasn’t easy for her when I eventually realised I was definitely gay & came out. Based on my own life experience, I would advice any adult in that kind of situation to go out & explore if they feel the slightest of curiosity before committing themselves to another adult. It avoids so much unnecessary heartache & confusion.
WashDrySpin
Hey she could have two men in bed with her…that is a WIN WIN…ask him to find another bisexual man
rickywintour
A win for him probably but definitely not for her. Most women don’t like their men liking other men.
Donston
It is right to tell her not to be so obsessed with identity and attractions. Everyone has their own thing going on and their own journey. However, this doesn’t sound like a woman who is skeeved out by her bf being a “bit homo”. It sounds like she simply doesn’t want to feel manipulated or lied to. Once the cat is out the bag and people start feeling some type of way, honest and straightforward conversation needs to had. Otherwise, neither person is gonna be able to be themselves and feel comfortable in the relationship.
The columnist should have tried to teach her about how complicated sexuality can be, that sexuality encapsulates a multitude of things like attraction, arousal, desire, enjoyment, passions, comfort, preferences, extent of sex drive. Point her in a direction where she can learn about things like fluidity, confusions, paraphiliacs, trauma, the gender, romantic, sexual, emotional, commitment spectrum. And make sure you keep it real about there being inherently homo or bi men who do indulge longterm hetero relationships for reasons beyond truly wanting to be with a woman and preferring a woman’s persistent passions, affections, affirmation, love, emotional investment, commitment. Therefore, she can more greatly understand what she wants in a partner and what she’s willing to deal with. And she has a greater frame of reference when she talks her boyfriend. She may be able to understand him more and he won’t be able to easily manipulate her if he attempts to do so.
Telling her to just be chill and pretty much invalidating her feelings is not doing anything for anyone. That was condescending and even misogynistic advice.
MrMichaelJ
If every guy who’s gotten a blowjob from another guy was labeled as gay then most guys would be gay. It’s bizarre nowhere in the response did the woman advise her maybe her boyfriend is telling the truth.
Donston
She caught him masturbating to homo porn. So, clearly it’s not just about getting a couple of bj’s. There is some real attraction and/or desire towards his sex. Males fit into his sexuality in whatever ways and to whatever extent.
I don’t like how quick we are to dismiss other people’s feelings. No one likes being in love with someone and committed to someone and feeling as if they are manipulating you or are keeping substantial big parts of themselves from you. It’s not about being “gay” or “bi” or “straight”. It’s about trust and being honest concerning your dimensions, struggles, motivations and journey. This is why I plead for people to learn about things like fluidity, paraphiliacs, mental health struggles, internalized homophobia, male insecurities, the gender, romantic, sexual, emotional, commitment spectrum. We need less mystery and manipulation and sociological game playing And we need to stop being so identity dependent.
Freaking out and demanding answers is not gonna really help. But wanting the absolute truth from your partner is not something we should be shaming people for. Everyone has their idea of who they want to be with and the type of relationship they want, and no one wants to feel lied to.
WSnyder
Simply, it’s her insecurity.
Like in the article, she needs to communicate and listen. If this situation doesn’t work for her after talking and listening, she needs to get a grip and move on. The worst thing she can do is what she’s doing, obsessing and keeping silent. The second worst thing would be trying to box him in; making demands on how he’s suppose to behave to be with her. At the end of that, she’ll lose. This sounds like it’s not working for either of them, so TBH it’s probably not going to work out at all. If she tries however, they might work it out and if not, they can move on in good terms and piece of mind at approaching the issue with maturity and respect. And THAT helps with personal growth.
AxelDC
She should go with her gut instinct. If she feels he’s not that into her, she should find someone who is.
There’s nothing wrong with dating a bisexual, but you should always trust yourself to protect yourself.
flowitheblow
I’d tell her to run. Sounds like he could be a closet case in the making
barryaksarben
he may just like the power trip of having a guy blow him and nothing more
rickywintour
Power trip my ass. He like men point blank period.
barryaksarben
there are unlimited types of sexuality and to force people into what you think they are is pointless and makes you look angry and unimaginative
barkomatic
Some straight have a kind of fetish by being blown by a guy. They aren’t actually attracted to the guy though if that makes sense.
I don’t think it’s out of line for her to be a little concerned though. I’ve met gay men (who I slept with off apps) who date/ marry women because they want kids and present themselves as straight. It’s a messed up world.
Donston
She says she caught him masturbating to homo porn. But yes, there are indeed guys who just like the power of being worshipped by a dude and like that guys want them. There’s a bunch of those types all over social media. But even that can cause problems since some of those types may consistently seek male affection and validation, which can complicate a relationship with a female.
There are dudes who enjoy stuff like cunnilingus or bi threesomes, are turned on by the “female form” or like dominating women or being dominated by women or like women worshipping them and being wanted by women. However, they feel more sustained same-sex passions, have more of a desire to please their sex and get same-sex affirmation, feel more investment and relationship fulfillment towards their sex. Gender crossing paraphiliacs and fetishes are not just for dudes who are straight-identifying or mostly/only date women. A lot of overall homo-leaning guys contend with fluidity, paraphiliacs, fetishes. And it’s time for “queer media” to start being real about that instead of just constantly focusing on “straight” identifying dudes or guys in hetero relationships. While yes, some dudes are entirely driven by things like insecurities, hetero pressures, internalized homophobia, wanting a “traditional family”, feeling as if hetero relationships are “easier” after getting their heart broken by a guy.
This is the problem with our society being so sex, identity and behavior dependent. A lot of people feel as if they can’t keep it entirely real. While many folks are severely ignorant when it comes sexuality, orientation, motivations and psyches. If she really wants to be with this guy then she has to educate herself and has to have a couple of legit and thorough talks with him.
bachy
Fear of a woman’s judgment is the biggest impediment to male erotic exploration. If it weren’t for women making the ‘strait’jacket compulsory, most men would be much more experimental.
Donston
I wouldn’t entirely blame women. There are many women who are just male homophobic and awful. However, there are a lot of guys who use women for status and sociological protection and an ego boost, who use women as sex dolls, or use women as baby are makers. Homophobia, identity politics, the patriarchy, trauma, and ignorance concerning sexuality and the orientation spectrum has done a number on us all. It’s no one’s fault in particular.
CityguyUSA
Now that we have a millions labels to label the same things that used to take 3 you just don’t have to accept your reality do you. You can be whatever you want except you can’t you can only be what you are.
radiooutmike
If the relationship isn’t working for her; she should just leave.
She may be one of those people who can’t accept any fluidity in orientation or desire. Which is fine for her own personal choice, she just needs to find another guy who suits her.
I am surprised at the backbiting here about the boyfriend. Maybe SHE is not right for HIM. She’s the one who is insecure. If she does not feel secure in the relationship, because he likes at least looking at dick– she should move on.
Why would this be any different if it was chicks he got a hummer from and watched lesbian porn? Why, because that is accepted by everyone as “normal” male behavior…?!