We’ve done our fair share of cishet-teasing here at Queerty—we’re still not convinced the straights are OK, after all—but one Reddit user recently argued that “the way the LGBT community talks about straight people sometimes genuinely crosses a line.”
“There’s funny and then there’s genuine hatred and malice,” that user, u/starsweepurr, wrote in a post on the r/lgbt subreddit on December 12. “I’m saying this as a bisexual, transmasc person. This toxicity is genuinely hurtful, and I’m not just talking about straight people who support our rights and feel discouraged by our vitriol toward them, I’m also talking about people who are questioning.”
u/starsweepurr wrote that he was “scared to be straight” when he was questioning his identity. “I was so scared that if I turned out to be straight, the community I had been a part of for so long and found immense comfort in would cast me out and hate me,” he recalled. “Looking back, I know that this is not the case, but it was the genuine hatred for straight people masquerading as jokes that made me feel this way. Don’t get me wrong, I love making fun of cishets, it’s great, but there is a line, and we cross it too often. I hope this makes sense and doesn’t come off as a bad take.”
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So far, u/starsweepurr’s post has gotten more than a thousand upvotes and hundreds of comments, including many from users who pointed out that some LGBTQ individuals often mistake others for straight and cisgender.
“This is definitely a complicated issue with a lot of layers that I couldn’t begin to cover in a single comment, but I would like to throw out that derogatory feelings towards straight people can hurt queer people too,” one commenter wrote. “Bi people in relationships with the opposite sex are seen as illegitimate, and I was shunned from the GSA at my high school as I was questioning. It’s hard to find your identity when it feels like you’re picking a side in a war.”
Another commenter wrote, “I’m bi-poly married to a straight mono man, and yeah, I basically cease to exist because my relationship can pass to those who don’t know, so I don’t exist. I’m every bit as real and valid as a trans man who passes for a cis man and a trans woman who passes for a cis woman who are together and pass as a straight cishet couple. I swear, it’s like the only people seen as valid sometimes are those you can tell at a glance aren’t a couple of cishet people.”
And one commenter, who identified themselves as bi and asexual, said they knew where the OP was coming from. “A ‘friend’ of mine told me I probably shouldn’t start a queer student union because I’m in a straight-passing relationship and it might ‘deter’ people,” they wrote. “For a while, I thought I was heteroromantic, and my queer friends would make fun of me for being the ‘straight’ one, and it felt like they didn’t believe that I was ace, or they didn’t think I was queer enough. Side note: after writing this, I feel like I need new friends.”
As the conversation continued, Redditors worked to define the difference between good-natured jokes from hateful rhetoric. “There’s a fine line between ‘Haha, straight people are terrible at communication in relationships,’ (I’ve witnessed this and it’s… something else) and ‘If you’re cishet, then die.’” one user wrote.
“Exactly,” replied u/starsweepurr. “Like, I’ve seen people genuinely put ‘Straight/cishet people, DNI [do not interact]’ in their bios, and on one hand, I get it, but isn’t that literally generalizing an entire group as bad, something we fight to abolish literally every day? It’s nuts.”
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And r/GrumpyOldDan, a moderator of the r/lgbt subreddit, gave their two cents on the topic. “It’s very hard to determine the line. It’s something that we try to balance—people need to vent about their experiences, find humor to release some of the pressure, and feel able to speak reasonably freely in a community safe space. … But making very broad statements can be problematic sometimes,” they wrote. “We also have to remember when talking about ‘straight people’ that some within our community may identify as straight but still be LGBTQ+—straight trans people, some aces and aros may describe themselves as straight ace or aro. Then there’s also sometimes situations where people get told their relationship is ‘straight passing,’ which sucks. We want to make sure that it never becomes somewhere they feel unwelcome.”
And one commenter, who identified themselves as a “boring cishet guy” said he could take queer and trans people’s jokes about him if it made them feel better. “Can’t be any worse than jokes about LGBT people,” he added. “Those jokes are brutal.”
In an edit to his comment, though, that same cishet guy wrote, “I would like to state there is a discernible difference between jokes and outright hate. I am not so self-deprecating that I would be willing to accept hate, and neither should you.”
DrJones
So while I wouldn’t say advocating violence against straight people is anything to associate with, some ribbing online is fair game, especially when straight people by default do not have hate leveled against them as a group or face straight-based violence like there is LGBTQIA-based violence. However, some of these quoted redittors come across as whiney Gen Z who are obsessed with their various classifications.
bachy
“…whiney Gen Z who are obsessed with their various classifications.”
You must be new here.
S.anderson
It’s just so damn simple. Everything the dread oppressor did to the minority is still bigotry and oppression and WRONG when the minority gains the upper hand and does it back to the former oppressor. That includes forcing labels onto a population who do not identify with that label. ‘CISHET’ indeed. And when “clapping back”, why is it that the Enlightened Ones feel free to strike by misgendering? Aggressively addressing a man with a feminine pronoun. You’d think they would know better. After all, “education” is supposedly one of their goals.
Too many people who are embedded in various equality movements aren’t really working for equality. They lust for vengeance. They want to make people hurt. And they make a living agitating people instead of leading toward solutions. Which means they will not hesitate to lie and deceive their own fam to push them toward violence. And that is the way to keep the conflict going forever. Back and forth.
bachy
100%.
LegionKeign
“…when the minority gains the upper hand…”
Let me know when this happens and I’ll think about not being on guard around cishet’s and tip-toeing around their feelings.
For christ’s sake!
Seriously, are we having this conversation? One cishet kid feels like some sassy queen was insulting and now we all must be on our best behavior lest we hurt their fee-fees.
Gurl, please!
S.anderson
@LegionKeign: Well there’s the weaponized misgendering I spoke of. And by your tone, I doubt you would develop a sense of empathy, rather being more likely to completely unleash your rage. Call me a traitor, but I don’t believe that good human beings would affirm you while you follow this course.
S.anderson
[accidentally hit post too soon]
@LegionKeign:
I have to applaud you for literally hitting the nail on the head; providing a perfect example of what I’m concerned about. Your narrative is exactly how people are pushed into letting their emotions make decisions for them, even when they agree that what they’re doing is wrong.
You’re literally validating and using the boilerplate that homophobes follow when they persecute LGBTQ folk; “The victim isn’t important enough”, “It doesn’t happen often enough”, “ridiculous that we all should try and be more sensitive just because a few people get hurt”. These all fly in the face of LGBTQ’s valid points about respecting our identities, genders and pronouns.
>sad little laugh<
S.anderson
@NateOcean [who has been censored]: I feel many of your concerns. I respect people’s identity and their choice of pronouns. I might inadvertently misremember, but I hope they will be kind to me in reminding.
At the foundation of any movement to police what terms we may or may not use, is the fact that if you control a population’s vocabulary, you impose priority on certain ideas, and prevent others from being expressed. You can’t use words you don’t have. It’s mind control. And I won’t stand for it.
I personally don’t care if I am viewed as a traitor. I am not S.anderson, loyal minion and amplifier of Smiley Blix*, LGBTQ Warrior and self-appointed leader of a certain slice of LGBTQ people. I am S.anderson, my own person, and only I may narrate who and what I am. Anyone who declares that I am a traitor is someone who realises they are vulnerable to my knowledge and my lived experience. [anything that can be destroyed by the truth deserves to be destroyed by the truth]
I can’t speak personally about the term ‘latinx’, but I am reading more lately about the backlash from people which that term has been assigned to. It sounds a lot like the backlash in the early 90’s from people who did not like being assigned the term ‘queer’ by others (like the now-defunct national Queer Nation LGB group) who thought they knew what was good for everyone else.
*placeholder name – not a real person afaik
thisisnotreal
while i understand the point the redittor is trying to make, im fresh out of f**ks to give when it comes to the feelings of a lot of heteros. why should i feel bad for the majority group that frequently makes US their scapegoat and whipping boy if they have unresolved internal feelings towards lgbt people/issues, or if they have internal homophobia because of secretly hidden gay feelings? heteros are the majority and always have been, and with that comes a large degree of power over our community, a power they frequently like to take advantage of. so while i may understand the point the poster was trying to make, im not gonna feel ashamed or guilty the next time i call a hetero a breeder after hes just called me a f@g.
S.anderson
@thisisnotreal: Your feelings are obviously valid. But if you hate how bigots operate, consider what is lost if you lash out with the same tactics. Come on, as victims we have a broader perspective than the normies. We can do something better. <3
inbama
People who live in a ideological bubble will always be angry as reality is still there ready to pull the rug out from under them.
Seth
Hard pass on the whole of, “BUT WHO WILL THINK OF THE STRAIGHT PEOPLE?!?!”
Yes, wishing death upon anyone is bad. Short of that, sorry ’bout it.
monty clift
This is an incredibly pathetic attempt to be a victim… and perhaps a shining example of why this kind of effing loser doesn’t belong in our community.