The Christian Right is on the verge of a nervous breakdown. With the Supreme Court set to rule on gay marriage literally any day now, quite possibly making it the law of the land, wing-nuts are clutching their Bibles closer than ever. Last week alone saw behavior so insane and inane we would laugh if they were not so pathetic. Seriously, you can’t make this stuff up.
Scroll down for a quick recap of all the crazy ass sh*t equality opponents did …
The Southern Baptist Convention declared war
During the Southern Baptist Convention annual hate fest on Monday, Pastor Ronnie Floyd proclaimed: “We are in a spiritual warfare,” he preached. “This is not a time for Southern Baptists to stand back!” Since we are in the middle of multiple battles raging across the middle east, maybe the war metaphor was a bit, well, extreme and insulting. Plus, it is a war, Ronnie baby is about to lose, big time.
If that’s not enough, Ronnie tried to take down the high court a notch or five. You know, that court dominated by five religious conservatives appointed by religious conservative presidents: “The Supreme Court is not the final authority, nor is the culture itself! I declare to everyone today as a minister of the Gospel: I. Will. Not! Officiate. Over. Any. Same. Sex. Unions. Or. Same. Sex. Marriage. Ceremonies!”
Concerned neighbor calls grieving widow relentlessly gay
On Wednesday, Julie Baker, a widow and mother of four living in Baltimore, received a nasty note from a “concerned neighbor” condemning her for stringing a set of rainbow-colored solar lights across part of her front yard. The note threatened police action if she didn’t “tone down” her “relentlessly gay” behavior.
In response, Baker launched a GoFundMe page and raised over $30,000 in a single day to buy more rainbow swag for her garden — and maybe even a new roof.
We’d love the anonymous note writer to step forward. It would be good for another laugh.
The couple that threatened to break up if gay marriage is made legal had over 175,000 people RSVP to their divorce.
Nick Jensen and his wife Sarah had the brilliant plan of dissolving their 10 year union if gays are allowed to get married. Because mindless divorce is such a Christian idea. The dimwitted duo claimed that “by changing the definition of marriage, ‘marriage’ will, in years to come, have an altogether different sense and purpose. We no longer wish to be associated with this new definition.”
This week, a Facebook event page was created celebrating the Jensen’s impending divorce. So far, over 175,000 people have RSVP’d to the party.
A DJ refused to play at a gay man’s 60th birthday bash.
Speaking of parties, Dani Tsakounis just wanted to do something special for her roommate’s 60th birthday. So she did what good people do: planned him a party. But when she called Ultrasound Deejays in Gaithersburg, MD, about providing music, the company’s owner, Michael Lampiris, told her: ” We won’t be able to do it, we’re a Christian organization and it would go against our faith, I’m sorry. … We ought to obey God rather than men.”
Evidently, the Bible specifically prohibits Christian disc jockeys from laying down beats at gay men’s birthday parties.
Rick Santorum is back at it
Rick Santorum promised that if he’s elected president in 2016 he’ll ensure all children are raised by parents of the opposite sex. None of this two dads or two moms or single moms or single dads business. He also said that if the Supreme Court strikes down gay marriage bans nationwide “that doesn’t mean we won’t fight and try to push back both as the Congress should and as the president should as a co-equal branch of the government.”
Good luck with that!
One Million Moms vs. enjoying Chobani yogurt in bed
When our favorite right-wing Moms saw Chobani’s latest TV commercial featuring a lesbian eating yogurt in bed while her lover sleeps beside her it got busy. “Chobani should be ashamed of their latest commercial for attempting to normalize sin by featuring two women naked in bed together,” it opined. “This commercial not only promotes same-sex relationships by including two lesbians, but also same-sex marriage because the two women wear matching wedding bands.”
Who knew Greek yogurt could be controversial?