CNN Presidential Debates Totally Gay

Last night’s CNN/YouTube presidential debates may have been the gayest political debates since – well, ever! We’ve never seen a network allow so much time to be spent discussing the dirty homos and their political inclusion. Although, it is CNN, the gayest of all the news networks.

Regardless of CNN’s sexual proclivity, the network – and voters – kept the democratic candidates on their toes with a slew of lavender-hued queries. Above, Presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich hits the ball out of the park while discussing gay marriage, telling a lesbian couple he would allow them to marry:

…If our Constitution really means what it says, that all are created equal, if it really means what it says, that there should be equality of opportunity before the law, then our brothers and sisters who happen to be gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgendered should have the same rights accorded to them as anyone else, and that includes the ability to have a civil marriage ceremony.

It’s especially powerful coming from his little bobble-head.

Chris Dodd did well, too, again turning the question around to discuss his two-year old and five-year old daughters (whose existence really boggles the mind – go Dodd!). Dodd wouldn’t want his little girls discriminated against, you see, so why would he discriminate against the gays. Voters eat that shit with a spoon.

Meanwhile, New Mexico governor Bill Richardson got real about the ever-contentious issue, saying, “I would do what is achievable.What I think is achievable is full civil unions with full marriage rights. I would also press for you a hate crimes act in the Congress.” He also pledged to take down “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell”.

But, wait, there’s more…

John Edwards has often used his Southern Baptist background to defend his offensive stance on gay marriage. Bless Reverend Reggie Longcrier of Hickory, North Carolina for posing this question to Mr. Edwards:

Senator Edwards said his opposition to gay marriage is influenced by his Southern Baptist background. Most Americans agree it was wrong and unconstitutional to use religion to justify slavery, segregation, and denying women the right to vote. So why is it still acceptable to use religion to deny gay American their full and equal rights?

That’s a more well-rounded question than most journalists could muster. One wonders if Reverend Longcrier had some help from the man upstairs, whomever that may be…

Edwards handled Longcrier’s query like any good politician: skirting the issue. Moderator Anderson Cooper took Edwards to task – as did Longcrier, who “happened” to be the in the audience – and Edwards finally answered thus:

It’s not. I mean, I’ve been asked a personal question which is, I think, what Reverend Longcrier is raising, and that personal question is, do I believe and do I personally support gay marriage?

The honest answer to that is I don’t. But I think it is absolutely wrong, as president of the United States, for me to have used that faith basis as a basis for denying anybody their rights, and I will not do that when I’m president of the United States.

Edwards has never been high on our list of preferred candidates, but we’ve got to say his answer resonated. Unlike so many of his peers, it actually sounded – gasp – honest! Incredible.

Meanwhile, Barack Obama answered a similar question (although they used the interracial marriage comparison because, you know, Obama’s black), telling Cooper and the rest of America that he’s primarily concerned with equality under the law.

…We’ve got to make sure that everybody is equal under the law. And the civil unions that I proposed would be equivalent in terms of making sure that all the rights that are conferred by the state are equal for same-sex couples as well as for heterosexual couples.

Now, with respect to marriage, it’s my belief that it’s up to the individual denominations to make a decision as to whether they want to recognize marriage or not. But in terms of, you know, the rights of people to transfer property, to have hospital visitation, all those critical civil rights that are conferred by our government, those should be equal.

Alright, well said, although we’re not sure how much we trust you Mr. Obama. We’re still feeling you out. And, we think, you’re still feeling us out…

For a full transcript of the debates, click here. It’s some good, good reading. Perfect for that post-lunch break, if you know what we mean…