This election is plenty dramatic. For many, it’s downright existential. So can someone get a message to Wolf Blitzer to tone it down a little bit? We’ve barely even delved into the results and already you’d think there have been several M. Night Shyamalan-esque plot twists.
Between the heightened graphics and sound effects, the boy who cried Wolf Blitzer, and the fact that there’s a reality TV conman vying for a second term, it’s going to be quite a night on CNN.
Here’s what folks are saying about Blitzer’s Oscar-worthy drama:
Wolf Blitzer needs a paper bag. Hyperventilating already and it’s only 7:37 pm. There’s gonna be so much mute button tonight…
— Full Dissident (@hbryant42) November 4, 2020
So far the big story of the night is Wolf Blitzer’s desire to call the election in the next 5 minutes while John King keeps saying ‘it’s still early on’
— Robert E Kelly (@Robert_E_Kelly) November 4, 2020
wolf blitzer says key race alert the same way picard says red alert when a romulan warbird decloaks out of nowhere in front of the enterprise
— Sopan Deb (@SopanDeb) November 3, 2020
1. Turn on CNN
2. Mute it
3. Place ???????? ?? ??? ????? by Philip Glass on the turntable
4. Pretend you are watching an interpretive dancer's expressionistic portrayal of Wolf Blitzer
5. Disassociate heavily— Zach Schonfeld (@zzzzaaaacccchhh) November 4, 2020
Reminder: Don’t be tricked by an urgent sounding Wolf Blitzer into thinking a major race has been called
— Chuck Ross (@ChuckRossDC) November 3, 2020
Everyone: Remember, it’s important that the networks not read into early numbers.
Wolf Blitzer: Holy fucking shit Kanye got a thousand votes! I love you President Kanye!
— Adam Parkhomenko (@AdamParkhomenko) November 3, 2020
I love Wolf Blitzer but he always sounds like my mom trying to figure out her Roku.
— Randy Rainbow (@RandyRainbow) November 4, 2020
Somebody tell Wolf Blitzer to calm TF down.
— Thurgood Was A Helluva Lawyer (@ejwesq) November 4, 2020
Honestly have PTSD from Wolf Blitzer's voice after 2016 election coverage
— Hania (@haniainabox) November 3, 2020
Ok, Wolf Blitzer is already freaking out over Florida.
It’s still early…
— Robert E Kelly (@Robert_E_Kelly) November 4, 2020
Twitter tonight perfectly capturing that cable-news vibe of not having much to say but still saying it for hours, like watching Wolf Blitzer stress-eat a box of donuts and drink wine from the bottle while yelling KEY RACE ALERT
— Gregg Carlstrom (@glcarlstrom) November 3, 2020
Drinking game: every time Wolf Blitzer says “Florida” you have to drrrshmüæsh¡
?— Marc Istook (@MarcIstook) November 4, 2020
Wolf Blitzer doesn't deserve that dope ass name
— Amy I. (@cableknitjumper) November 4, 2020
Watching Wolf Blitzer interrupt John King with ill-advised questions and shock-value insights while John is delivering actual data and insight is giving me so much PTSD from the debates.
— Alex Whitcomb (@AlexWhitcomb) November 4, 2020
Wolf Blitzer is making me feel crazy! “Too close to call” is not an ALERT! pic.twitter.com/tgtVFUNq0m
— Christopher Renz (@ChristopherRenz) November 4, 2020
Terrycloth
Wolf always sounds like he just smoked a whole pack of cigarettes in 15 minutes..he breathes in the middle of sentences sometime in the middle of a word..he has a very odd way of speaking.he gasps air..