In The Fever Swamps

Color Your Brain Gay, Transgender Bathroom Fears and Other Right-Wing Lunacy

[Introducing Queerty’s new weekly feature on the craziest right-wing rants.]

There are so many wingnuts on the loose that it’s hard to keep track of their every crackpot observation. That’s why Queerty is pleased to bring you a new weekly feature highlighting the craziest right-wing rants of the week. We’re touring the fever swamps of the right to pull together the looniest remarks we can find for your delectation. Fortunately, lunacy is in plentiful supply, so we’ll never be at a loss for items.

A special thanks to the hard-working folks at Right Wing Watch and ThinkProgress who make a daily diet of right-wing morsels. They must have to order bourbon by the tanker as a chaser.

This week’s highlights include the importance of crayons to ex-gay therapists, why you’re to blame for the rise in sexual assaults in the military, and why gays shouldn’t be able to go to baseball parks.

Ex-gay therapist Jerry Mungadze doesn’t need brain scans to prove gay people can be cured. He’s got crayons! In an appearance on a Christian television show, Mungadze claimed that he can prove people’s sexual orientation by asking them to use crayons to color in a map of the brain. Too much pink? We know what that means. The good news, according to Mungadze, is that you’ll use different colors when you’re cured. “The brain is able to go back and fire the way it is supposed to be,” Mungadze exults. Can the Play-Doh cure be far behind?

That spike of sexual assaults by male service members against their female colleagues? It’s all your fault. That’s the reasoning of Tony Perkins, president of the Family Research Council. You might wonder how straight men harassing women is really a gay issue, but Perkins has an explanation. “It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to understand that when Congress made sexual attraction a qualification for military service — on par with academic performance, community service, physical fitness, or moral standing — it radically altered America’s fighting force,” Perkins said. Who needs NASA when you’ve got logic like that?

You just have to believe that the religious-right has gender-specific bathrooms in their own homes because they are so hung up on unisex toilets. In a feeble effort to fight a transgender protection bill in Delaware, Focus on the Family raises the specter that the person peeing in the stall next to you may not be the same gender! The horror! Apparently, Focus on the Family thinks that a transgender woman is going to turn into a male predator every time her bladder fills up.

MassResistance, which might better be called MassHysteria, wants the Boston Red Sox to cancel a Pride Night at Fenway because it is  “celebrating a week of obscene perversion.” Brian Camenker has his knickers in a twist because there will be children at the ballpark. “Baseball is largely for kids, so why should homosexual activism be part of that?” Could be because we’ll be bringing our kids to Fenway with us.

Image via Warren Throckmorton