I have lived my life with many identities. Pretending to be hetero, for instance, out of safety concerns while trying to figure out who I was and overcome my own internalized homophobia.
Growing up in Plainfield, New Jersey, a small town about 30 minutes from New York City, most of my friends were hetero. There weren’t many people living “out” and the very few who did dealt with an ostracization that I didn’t want to subject myself to. Even still, I know there were shameful whispers behind by back, and few times even to my face, from people I considered friends.
As I’ve gotten older, I’ve learned that much of the discourse I received from other Black hetero males growing up wasn’t by choice as much as it was by conditioning and design. Colonization taught them how to separate themselves using a hierarchy based on patriarchy. The assimilation into society was always the goal for whiteness, and those who couldn’t fit the heteronormative mold got pushed to bottom of the pyramid.
Related: Black men embrace to show the world what real love looks like in new viral campaign
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Our newsletter is like a refreshing cocktail (or mocktail) of LGBTQ+ entertainment and pop culture, served up with a side of eye-candy.
Today, the Black community in many facets has accepted the LGBTQ community, and even worked with us on breaking down the internalized discrimination that allows us to separate one’s identity from their blackness. We have joined together on the movement against police brutality, and we are even seeing queer representation and visibility growing in traditionally hetero dominated spaces. At the same time, I also know that many will never come around to idea of respecting and acknowledging non-hetero identities, but for those who do it is important they not be cast aside.
I recall a recent discussion with a cisgender hetero friend of mine named Frederick Joseph. Many know him as the person who started the Black Panther Challenge which has sent close to 55,000 children worldwide to see the movie. While campaigning he took a picture with rapper Nipsey Hussle, who participated in the campaign. I quickly contacted Fred to let him know I was concerned about his willingness to support a person who many know as misogynistic and homophobic while also finding the ability to be my friend and concerned about causes that affect LGBTQ people.
He responded by stating he didn’t know the back story of Nipsey Hussle. Even still, he apologized and said he understood how it could be triggering for LGBTQ people. The thing I always appreciate about Fred is that he is willing to learn.
Related: This black gay man with a white husband took down a racist troll
A follow-up discussion on a separate topic had me leaning in hard on him about LGBTQ issues. When he asked if I could stop lumping him in the “all hetero men…” category, I had to stop for a second and think about what that meant.
For me, there are times where it is sometimes hard to recognize “a person who wants to learn” from “a person who is a threat”, making it easy for me to treat both the same. Sometimes it comes so natural to show up ready to fight that I forget with some people I may have already won.
If I’m going to be willing to teach, and want my community to learn, I must leave the space open for growth. The same space and time it took for me to fight against my internalized homophobia many years ago. I realized it is OK to pull back sometimes, especially for those hetero men really do have my back. It’s OK to let them in and stand by my side to condemn and correct certain parts of the community that have been unwilling to listen to our needs.
I understand some LGBTQ people are tired of doing this, and rightfully so. We have been erased from the history books and calling out homophobia generations over. For those who are no longer willing to do this, I fully understand. I know my duty is a little different. It is on me to help bridge this gap within our community and work to get to a place where homophobia is a thing of the past, and people can exist among each other safely and respectfully, regardless of how we identify.
Related: White supremacy is partly to blame for homophobia in the black community
Lacuevaman
“Colonization taught them how to separate themselves using a hierarchy based on patriarchy. The assimilation into society was always the goal for whiteness, and those who couldn’t fit the heteronormative mold got pushed to bottom of the pyramid.”
What the phuck?
troyfight
^ Brody…..yep. Hold on to that hard and fast – that will gain lots and lots of fckn progress.
S.anderson
Wakanda was an equalitarian utopia before the cruel white colonials came and taught them such alien things as patriarchal hierarchies. Sheesh.
tham
so none of you ever talked to a millennial?
That’s crazy Russian.
tham
And to all the Russians out there, umm, yeah, that’s how millennial talk…for I don’t know…10 years now.
so yeah, another canary in the coal mine…which I’m sure you all are for…just a guess.
troyfight
^S.anderson….Wakanda??? Just so everyone knows, that’s the land in the comic book “Black Panther” for fvck sakes……((smh))
Kieran
Which comes first: My race or my sexuality? Why does one have to come first? Why can’t they be equals?
But if you are honest, I think you have to admit it was easier to deal with racism in your life than homophobia. With racism you were surrounded by family, friends, community and media, and you could openly lean on them for support dealing with that. But where could you go to get support about being gay? For most of us, it was a long, lonely struggle.
troyfight
^Kieran, i don’t have much experience, but I had a good friend a number of years ago, and he was 1000% more concerned about societal conflicts regarding his homosexuality over being black. (albeit one thing going for him was that he was fckin smoking hot, giving him a halo effect around people)
tham
did he use the word “homosexuality” cause that’s a big indicator that he’s not one.
Tobi
@tham – wrong, some of us prefer to use homosexual and homosexuality, as the word gay has lifestyle connotations that many of us don’t identify with.
Brody
I’ve asked a similar question . . .
Which is more important, my politics or my sexuality?
. . . and the left (especially the gay left) has made it abundantly clear that sexuality is irrelevant if you don’t toe the liberal line.
Kangol
Oh, cut it out. You rant on and on about the “gay left,” but you seem incapable of ever criticizing homophobes, especially if they’re on the right. Aren’t you gay? Don’t you have an issue with people who you support pushing policies and laws meant to oppress people like you? Or are you such a masochist that you just lap up your oppression so long as it’s doled out by people on the right? I can tell you, the “gay left” you love to attack is regularly fighting for your right to be gay, however you want, including being someone who regularly attacks them.
Nowuvedoneit
Worlds smallest violin followed up by the biggest no f*<ks given.
Juanjo
Miss Brody thinks people do not care for her because of some great political stand she has taken. The fact is everyone thinks she is a whiny little douche bag who complains about anything she doesn’t understand and thinks anyone who disagrees with her is a bomb-throwing anarchist.
markinwashington
Brody, Brody, Brody…
Perhaps you should rephrase your question to: What has the right wing done for the lgbt community, except reverse legislation and rescinded funding since your supported party took office??
It’s almost comical to note that you enjoy the benefits and access to freedoms/rights that the left has fought for while vehemently opposing them in the same notion. No wonder you’ve become a pariah within your own community.
tham
His username is Brody, so he has to be an American.
I’m back to this now
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Usbx7geCqVY
Kangol
I’m sure this writer has heard of intersectionality, so it would be really helpful if he’d invoke it as part of this discussion. Race, sexuality, class, etc. are interlinked, and at any point, the social, political, economic and cultural contexts in which we find ourselves determines which may be put under pressure.
In general, both racism–and white supremacy–and homophobia continue to be serious problems in American society. We’re neither in a post-racial, nor post-homophobic world. And misogyny, classism, etc. are also serious issues linked both to racism and to homophobia, as a good deal of the commentary on this site regularly underlines.
tham
Umm, does Russians know that (right or wrong) everyone in American considers themselves middle class…
So when they usernames start talking “class”….it’s pretty obvious that that username learned English from the English.
And we don’t refer to OUR society as American Society…
just pointing a few things out…
KaiserVonScheiss
Way to cross the indentitarian Rubicon. Naturally, the article mentions colonisation and the patriarchy. Boogeymen of the left.
How about people just be people and stop trying to label themselves with identities. Stop making everything race this, gender that, etc.
“The assimilation into society was always the goal for whiteness, and those who couldn’t fit the heteronormative mold got pushed to bottom of the pyramid.” What?
And I love the part about Black Panther, a character that opposes everything the left stands for. It just shows how race-obsessed the left has become. Wakanda has a traditional, autocratic monarchy and is opposed to immigration and multiculturalism. Usually, people of such views get labelled as ‘nazis’ or ‘alt-right’ or some other buzzword.
Maybe stop being so obsessed with identity. All it does is isolate and divide. It doesn’t bring people together.
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Mandrake
Totally agree with you, Kaiser. I always look for your comments on this site because you usually and eloquently express the same sentiments I have.
tham
Ugh, you get why we know you’re Russian, right?
Cause you write like you’re British, but talk like you’re an American.
It’s this weird bazaar thing you all do….
tham
but please, continue with using “s” instead of “z”
KaiserVonScheiss
@tham
Chto?
Actually, it’s because I prefer Her Majesty’s English, or, as I call it, real English. But please, continue with your Russian conspiracy theory. It doesn’t make you sound insane at all. I’m sure the Kremlin has nothing better to do than post on gay websites.
tham
oh yeah sure.
It seems that your “friends” do it too…it’s really popular way to write on comment sections now a days…not so much in texting r email…just places like this.
but continue, your majesty.
KaiserVonScheiss
@tham
It’s Your Imperial & Royal Majesty, peasant!
tham
you get calling me a “peasant” doesn’t work outside of the UK…right?
I’m not even going to tell you what our “peasant” word is…cause it changes from year to year. But it’s always SUPER hilarious…I just heard a new one that still cracks me up.
anyways, do a vodka shot on me…you’re annoying gay “friend”
Polaro
Only tham can get me to side with Kaiser, who is also not totally wrong on this one.
tommiej
I’d gladly forget my identity and just live free. But I’m constantly reminded by others I’m “black faggot” everywhere I go.
Being black and gay has to be one the most uniquely frustrating experiences there is. Or as the late great Marlon Riggs put it “It’s like being asked which of your nuts you prefer, your left one or your right”.
But I don’t know why I respond to you troll – who keep posting that your sick of identity politics. No what you’re sick of is people sticking up to you.
Donston
I get where he’s coming from. But you have to learn how to express yourself without coming off… the way that you’re coming off here. Also, you can’t just blame everything on the “white man” and leave it at that. Because while a lot of what you say is true it’s not really gonna assist things in the here and now.
Internalized homophobia, self-loathing, a depressed ego, desperation to retain some sense of hetero-normalcy, hetero worship, hetero envy, etc. are no jokes for many gay people and gay and trans leaning queer no matter their race. It even dominates many who are out and claim to be full of “pride”. But yeah, it does seem like those things are a bit higher ratio wise when it comes to non white people, and it seems to be that way for a variety of reasons. I also agree that less hostile yet truly honest conversation is always needed. But unfortunately, socialogy continues to dominate and everyone has an angle and every “movement” is biased in some way. Those things continue to keep those open and honest conversations from happening.
tham
Did you know that hetero-normalcy or heteronormalcy is not a real word…it’s urban slang.
I said it once, I’ll say it again… millennials are just no fun.
I’m so excited about the new generation… millennials are just become so tiring.
troyfight
George M. Johnson ….dude, balance your prose with ANY sense of levity….otherwise, continue being grim.
BobbyB
Neither comes first cause trust and believe these White Gays aren’t here for you just like black straight men and women aren’t here for you either.
Just look at the attacks poor Ru Paul gets on a daily. White gays pay him dust and attack him on the daily even though he brought them their beloved Ru Paul’s Drag Race… They probably wish it was Ryan Murphy’s Drag Race.
tham
OMG you are so Russian.
Every “white” gay guy knows at least ONE white gay guy who exclusively dates black men…and at least ONE that excessively dates asians…and latinos…
if there’s a color of skin…they’s a white gay guy who exclusively dates it.
Jaxton
When you identify as many things, you eventually come to an intersection that tests your loyalties. Identity politics has rules that are not consistent between different identities.
S.anderson
You put this better than I did!
tham
one could even say…you did.
tham
Did we vote on the Q thing?
I keep on hearing something different…like Q stands for Questioning…which isn’t a sexuality….then I hear it’s Queer…which is repetitive…
SO…what is Q?
S.anderson
Since there isn’t a central authority telling us these things (and that’s a GOOD thing), it stands for both.
tham
but neither works…that’s the problem.
tham
and BTW, we all got your “Small government” dig there…
cause god knows, Gays are small government, lets the states decided, screw the 14th Amendment crowd.
That’s just us. The Russians know us so well.
S.anderson
Which comes first? For me, it would come down to “how would my various peer groups treat me if they knew of my other affiliations?” Many blacks would be murdered if their communities learned they were gay.
However, for others it might be “which peer group provides me with more personal empowerment?” While a black gay might also choose to champion the cause of racism because it’s so much easier to find a large group who would reward their participation, a white gay might choose LGB issues since being white isn’t very controversial (except to blacks, I suppose).
tham
no no no, T is actually a sexuality. Even tho they’re not as fun as they use to be…they’re still our brothers and sisters.
Franklin
I would counter that back saying being black isn’t very controversial except to whites.
tham
I would take that another step and say, straight white people.
S.anderson
tham: opinions certainly vary, but T is a gender identity. Trans/non-binary people’s sexuality varies – they can be straight, gay or bi too.
Sadly, there are a lot of homophobic trans people who would NOT like to be ‘generously’ lumped in with GLB ‘CIS’ people. But, the waters are muddied by trans/non-binary pride events where they seek recognition by exhibiting fetish sex attire. It seems the only place for “regular guys and gals” who just happen to be trans/non-binary is in the closet, still. 🙁
tham
like as I said before…not as fun as they use to be…
but like your sister , back from her first semester in college at thanksgiving…you just stuff your mouth with ambrosia salad and tone her out.
kindanew
I have a dream that one day my children will be judged not on their colour of their skin but by the content of their character. I’d rather be known for my personality and achievements than my skin colour and who I prefer in my bed.
tham
Is “skin colour” Russian for “Skin color”?
kindanew
It must feel strange to go through life thinking that everybody who you disagree with is a Russian troll. I’d rather you criticised my comment.
tham
not disagree with me, usernames that sound like Russian bots.
my politics have nothing to do with this…it’s just, you all sound like British writing hicks, who speak weirdly throughly like it’s the 1990’s…
it’s so odd, I just don’t understand why you think this is time well spent.
kindanew
Sorry to disappoint but I’m just a normal British guy using the English language as spoken and written here in the U.K. I’m sorry if that sounds ‘weird’ to your uncultured American sensibilities. Has it never occurred to you that British guys might use this site? Why should I write in a foreign dialect of English?
JK 1984
Tham, apparently you don’t realise that this site is used by people from other countries as well (although stories are skewed heavily towards American- centric).
I come from New Zealand and love the colour of aluminium, fighting in defence of my labours, my Mum and organisations that fight for modernisation.
I can’t think of any other “British writing hicks” words of the top of my head, otherwise known as the way other people write when they come from somewhere else than the “centre of the universe” USA
Ummmm Yeah
It’s clear when you attack white gays constantly over every little thing but ignore violent black homophobia which comes first.
tham
hmm, do gays really think like this…or is this the thing the bot farm thought would get everyone’s goat?
Ummmm Yeah
Yes gays think blacks just sit around whining and blaming others for their own faults.
surreal33
This is too assinine to debate.
barkomatic
The increased sensitivity of people surrounding their identify has had some good effects in that I think people are begrudgingly trying to treat people with respect more often. However, we have to be vigilant that the discussion surrounding these issues doesn’t degrade into score settling — but currently it seems we are headed in that direction.
Notright
If you keep focusing on race baiting you’ll never ever be in a good relationship. However if you want to see your chances I suggest you take this quiz https://packedman.com/will-you-find-love/
Coruna2018
Dear Kieran, Kaiser, and others who refuse to believe that the South lost the Civil War, in the U. S,, even when you’re white, one asks the question, “Which comes first: race or sexuality?” For yourselves, any Spanish-speaking person is automatically non-white, the idea being that, if one speaks Spanish, one is “Hispanic”, not “white”. Antonio Banderas and Javier Bardem are known as Hispanic actors, not white actors. Why are they labeled like this and not the way other white actors are labeled? Because they are Spaniards and American ignorance and misguided notions about people deem Spaniards and those Latin Americans mainly or purely of European descent are not “white”. They are always “Latino” or “Hispanic” whereas whites of other European descent are described as “white”.
Americans, whites, especially, do not consciously think of themselves as privileged or racist. Of course, all people of all ethnicities can be racist and it’s all destructive but, mainly, white Americans, different than others, because of their skin color, do not think of their skin color as influencing their lives. They assume that their lives are the lives of other ethnicities so, therefore, in their opinion, “What’s the deal with blacks and others?”. Of course, whites know about the barbarities that have been racial segregation, slavery, and white supremacy towards blacks but, because they, personally, don’t suffer the sting of that racism and don’t lose jobs or income because of it, as blacks and other ethnicities do, their mindset is “Out of sight, out of mind. It doesn’t touch me, so what do I care!” That was the attitude of non-Jewish Germans during the Third Reich and we know what that indifference did. Whites know what white supremacy has done and they can’t bury their heads in the sand about it but they can, psychologically distance themselves from it by blaming other ethnicities, not seeing how they’ve benefitted from racism and white supremacy, even if they’ve not contributed to the racism.
How do you tell a white, heterosexual man who, even when poor, earns more than most blacks, Latinos, etc. that, as bad as they have it economically, they’re living better and benefitting from the other ethnicities living worse than they do. When you add sexual orientation, the distancing between white supremacy and prejudice/bigotry ratchets itself more because, sadly, the one thing all ethnicities in the U. S. agree upon is that “straight is great; queer is to be feared” so not only do the oppressed ethnicities want the same treatment as whites do, if they are straight, they’ll get it easier than if they are queer. This is where those who are non-white and queer navigate and answer the question which comes first: race or sexuality.
KaiserVonScheiss
I’ve never thought of Spaniards as anything other than white. I’ve no idea what you’re on about. Everything you wrote looked like something straight out of some post-modernist intersectional gender studies course. Don’t drink the Kool-aid.
Blackceo
For me, both play a very important role, but my race is what defines me more than my sexuality. My race is the first thing that people will see and will often have questions about exactly what that is since I am a mix. I am also more connected to my ethnic community than I am the gay community now. When I was younger and was trying to explore and accept being gay I was way more connected to the gay community than I am now.