Growing up in the north of England in the 1970s, he was too much of a troubled teen and didn’t have the strength to come out.
His parents harshly condemned gay men, saying they were “all perverts and need putting down.”
No, coming out really wasn’t really an option, he thought.
So, like so many other gay men, he repressed his sexual desires, married a woman, and had two children.
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In October, he had a nervous breakdown and decided he needed to come clean to his wife and kids, a 24-year-old man and 26-year-old man.
“I’d fallen head over heels in love with a close friend who I’d known for the last five years,” he writes on Reddit, using the name jeffereeee.
“He came out after being married and also having two children, although a lot younger than me, he’s 36. He was the first person I came out to. We haven’t had an affair or any such [thing], but he knows how I feel about him.
“After a while of chatting to him about how I felt and the fact that now I must talk to my wife and be truly open as to how I feel, I finally did it, talked to me wife, children and close family and friends.”
The reaction has been “amazing,” he says.
“I always felt that I would lose everyone in my life who I care about: my wife, who I still love very much, my children and friends.
But instead of losing them… we have all become so much closer, and [now] have a better relationship because I can now finally be who I want to be, and be true to the people around me and myself.”
But now, at 53, he’s still having a difficult time coming to terms with his sexuality. The fight isn’t over.
“Trying to make myself go out and meet gay guys and make new friends is so difficult. I live near Brighton in the U.K. There is a big LGBT community in Brighton but taking that first step is my next challenge.”
His story has hit home with many other Redditors.
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“Holy shit,” writes axlroxdotcom. You have no idea how well timed your post is for me personally.”
“I’m a 31-year-old man in the US with a wife and 3 year old son. Just like you I’ve been fighting my true self and repressing the fact that I’m gay for my whole life. The only difference is that I haven’t come out to anyone but my therapist yet.
I’m actually planning on coming out to my wife this coming weekend and I’m just about paralyzed with fear and anxiety. It means so much to me to be able to read someone else’s story and know that they’ve made it to the other side ok. I’m so happy for you and I love you for sharing this.”
“Oh pish,” writes YourFairyGodmother.
“You don’t need to come to terms with being gay. You were gay all along – you long ago came to terms with being gay in a hostile environment. You don’t need to come to terms with anything. You only need to ditch those oppressive terms you came to long ago, just drop that toxic baggage you’ve been carrying so long.
Welcome to the real world. Welcome to freedom.”
“Wow,” writes justseb72. ” Just wow.”
“I am really impressed with your courage and the inner power to do what you’ve just done, especially considering what you’d been going through the most of your life.
As a 44-year-old man, I can only say just be careful when making new friends. I know that might sound silly for a 53-year-old guy, but sometimes we happen to do or say something only to please or impress somebody but they’re not always worth it. And I wish you a genuine and inspiring love that would help you on your new way of life. Big hug from Nottingham.”
Did you come out later in life, or know someone else that did? Share your stories in the comments below.
ivanw222
At 32 the Aur Force gave me an honorable discharge after my commander found out I’m gay. The last person I came out to was my sister when I was 40. She took it the way I had anticipated she would, screaming and crying. One of my oldest friends hung up the phone on me, haven’t ever heard him since. But a Navy buddy, yes I was in both services, didn’t let it phase him at all. He even met my now deceased partner, heart attack, and got along with him very well. Coming out as we get older is rough, and some will have trouble accepting us, it is their loss.
ChrisK
Last X’mas we spent it at my cousins who’s in the Navy. He invited a bunch of his young Navy friends over. He thinks it’s the coolest thing to have a gay uncle. In San Diego there’s a gay club that’s very popular with the straights as well. I forget the name. Kind of like the Abbey in Weho is my guess. They get together there to dance. As a matter of fact they wanted me to meet some of the gay guys they knew from there. Blind date and all. Ha.
These new generations have no problem with it. It just took a long time to get here. Basically they’ve known someone gay their entire lives so it’s much harder for the older people to BS them. The world is definitely a different place.
batesmotel
Yeah, there are so many different factors that play a part which would make it easier or more challenging. Such as who your friends are at the time you come out, your environment, town/city you live in. It also helps for one to gauge their surroundings and notice who seems to be ‘gay friendly’ or not. And you’re right, it is their loss. It’s your life and you have to live it for you, and no one else. If it means cutting those who have a problem with it and distancing yourself from them, then it’s time to do that.
pudman56
Chris Kay. I have to remind you that all is far from cool with the rest of the country/world with “gay.” We’re still as harassed, we’re still beaten up for coming out of a gay bar, alone. We’re blackmailed because we know it’s easy to frighten some people enough to go to whatever means to keep it a secret…because it’s still so not accepted. Yes, the numbers are better (than ever for all I know) but as with every struggle, there’s still a long way to go. Plus, the new “administration” is nothing I feel comfortable with, either.
I’m just saying don’t ever think the struggle is over…that’s when they gotcha, or gonna getcha.
ChrisK
I came out in 1989 and I didn’t have shit to rely on. No media, no nothing. Just a world telling me how wrong it was. At least this guy examples everywhere to help lead the way.
At least he looks good for his age. That will most definitely help.
Jack Meoff
I came out in the 80’s as well right at the height of the AIDS scare and the grim reaper ads. I was only 18 but luckily I had the acceptance of my family if not support. We just didn’t talk about it much it was kind of a non issue I guess. I was lucky enough to live in a city with a great gay lifestyle and social network so I found support very quickly through friends.
He BGB
He doesn’t mention his parents so they’re either dead or out of the picture. Wonder if they tried to put him down like an old dog, since that’s what they believed (nice people). I came out several times. When I was 17 to a cousin, in college I came out and joined an LGBT club and in my 40 s came out to my mother. And before that, a few years before my mother, came out to my sisters. I did have enough sense not to marry a woman and have kids with her.
He BGB
I know someone who was a flaming queen that we came out to each other and in his 30s moved to Alabama, became “straight” and married a woman. He thinks I’m jealous because he got married but I’m pissed off that he continued to see men after marrying her. He didn’t see anything wrong with that. So we don’t speak anymore. It’s probably just a survival thing to live in Alabama,
Maximiliano5458
I came out at 57 years of age. There is not much difference with yours and many others stories of men accepting their sexuality and accepting the fact of being born as such. My 3 daughters knew even before I came out to them. My mother of 93 years of age knew all along, and she was expecting for me to take the first step to disclose this information. All my family, relatives, friends and colleagues have been positively accepting and appreciating my bravery of coming out and able to be freed. In September of last year finally I married a good man that truly appreciate me and love me as I am. I assure you it will be better. Max.
1EqualityUSA
Living a lie is a burden. Why friends and fam would prefer that we be disingenuous is odd. Congrats.
chuck
I can remember having sex with a married man in the late 1970s. He asked me if he should come out. The most honest thing I could say was relationships are relationships, gay or straight. Don’t think any of that will change no matter what he decided. If it’s just the sexual acts it’s another matter all together. Sex and love are not always the same. This offers a huge variation of possibilities.
JLJ
I came out at 47. Not by choice, I was pretty much pushed out of the closet. Needless to say, it was the best thing anyone could have done for me. I wish I had the courage to do it myself. Just remember, if someone doesn’t accept you after you come out, it’s their loss. True friends will stick with you as will family. If they don’t, they really didn’t count as friends in the first place. My ex and I are cordial, I have great relationships with my 3 young adult children and my depression has improved substantially. It’s never too late…and it’s never too early to be true to yourself.
1EqualityUSA
Why would others want to be lied to?
Donston
I’m quite a bit over men who want to commit themselves to the “gay lifestyle” at 40 years or older after they’ve been married to a woman for 10+ years, have had kids and lived a comfortable hetero existence and now they look to “have their fun”. I know I shouldn’t feel that way but I do. I’m also over homo men who continue to have ego-dystonia and convoluted self-esteem and spend their whole lives simply using guys for sex. And I’m definitely over the super narcissistic men with inherent homo orientations who use bi/fluid/queer identities so they can receive ego-stabilizing sex and love from women and feel less than gay whenever their pride gets edgy or their megalomaniac instincts kick in or to retreat back to the “straight life”. None of this has anything to do with self-accepting homos and it’s not something we should support.
Coming out doesn’t just involve telling everyone you’re a homo. You have to build real bonds with homos and get real homo friends. You need to maintain as much of a connection with family members and old friends as possible (although I know in many cases that’s not possible). You have to always be willing to be honest with yourself and others. You have to live a life that isn’t driven by shallow-ness (drugs, using tons of men for sex) and lies. You have to sort out your ego and re-align your perspective. If you don’t do these things self-resentment is bound to happen. Coming out is very different than fully embracing who you are. Self-acknowledging is very different than fully self-accepting and gaining comfort with your inherent self.
jamih
Maybe the thing you should really get over is yourself.
ChrisK
Sorry Don I usually agree with you but not this time. I do admire these guys. They stuck it out for the sake of their families and now the kids have grown it’s their time. A time that is definitely not ideal either.
gregory_phillips
It’s so easy to judge – isn’t it… while I don’t like certain ‘types of gays’ – I find it is the same personality traits I can’t stand in any human – they just get exaggerated in a smaller community. I came out – late in life – after marriage and children – but gayness had nothing to do with my divorce – in fact it was almost a year after that I even thought of admitting to myself I was gay.
I disagree Donston – when I first came out – I tried to pony up to the ‘gay community’ and well let’s say – it really is a community that doesn’t like newcomers, and quite full of pretention. So I have not had the opportunity to develop any real close gay friends – but that’s OK – hell I rarely see or know any gay people …..
DCguy
In other words, everything is gay’s fault. and you support the closet. Got it.
gdwiepert
came out at 65, after lots of longing to do so, and helped by spiritual practice. Had a good life married for 35 years, two children, until I outed my self. best thing I ever did and happy now as I am nearing 89 years. Still alive and kicking here in san francisco, where there are lots of gay fathers and grandfathers .
Donston
The reality is is that it takes a lot of practice and social/psychological luck to grow up to be a fully self-accepting, level-headed, comfortable-in-your-skin gay male. The weight of conventional masculinity, the allure of hetero-normalcy, religion, narcissism, being a homo that develops megalomania sexual fetishes, losing ties with family and friends, internalized homophobia, the inability or lack of desire to commit to a man or truly love and compromise for a man, how isolating and limiting the “gay lifestyle” is, etc. These will always be issues.
I am a “gay father” btw. Had a kid when I was 22 but didn’t commit myself to the “gay lifestyle” until I was 24. I’m just happy it didn’t take til my 50’s to gain comfort.
DCguy
I love your posts that do nothing but attack lgbts and then you try to stick on the “Oh, by the way, I’m gay” section.
Yeah…nice try.
Donston
I didn’t mean to come off like an insensitive jackass, which I accidentally did in my initial and I tried to correct here. Everyone’s journey is different. However, it does seem like a lot of men who come out later in life are driven by an “I’ve already proven I’m a man by having a wife and some kids and providing for them and now I get to have my gay fun!” mentality. However, that’s not always or even mostly the case. And that’s why I needed to post this.
Also, it’s nice to know that there are people who “agree with me most of the time”. Yeah, me!
wgregory
Great story. I came out at nearly 50 and published a memoir about it called, “The Tongues of Men and Angels.” It’s available on Amazon. There is also another great book just out about people who come out late in life, called “Fashionably Late.” Also available through Amazon. It’s great to see more people telling their stories. I believe it will help others much younger feel that they don’t have to hide who they are.
djbear
I should have recognized I was gay but in the 1950’s knew nothing about the possibility of loving someone of one’s own gender. I married, had three sons and the only person I had ever had sex with was my wife when I started to explore gay publications, once I had reached the pinnacle of my career. I finally came out to my wife when I was 55, after she had become physically violent (emotional problems) and she would not believe me. I came out again when I was 56 and left the marriage when I was 57. I had joined a group called Husbands Out to Wives and ended up moderating that group after I was single. It surprised me how counsellors, my prayer group leaders, and others accepted me for who I am.
courthousedoc
His story IS my story. I came out almost 7 years ago at the age of 55. Being an only child with controlling parents, coming out wasn’t an option back then. So I married and had a son. And began a long, slow march into depression. Which ended 7 years ago with me days from killing myself. My shrink got me into a psych ward. While there one of the other patients in group was a lesbian who talked openly and lovingly about her wife. And it hit me hard. I needed to address what I’d always known: I was a gay man. After discussing it with my shrink for a couple of months after coming out of the hospital, I came out to my wife. I can’t say it’s been easy, but she didn’t ask for a divorce and has accepted it and is supportive. Six months after I came out to her, I met my partner. He’s in his own complex relationship with an ex (same sex) partner so it works. But I’m now out to everyone. At home and work. And now after living in fear all my life, the joy of living in authenticity is amazing. I’m helping to organize an employee resource group at my company (a Fortune 500 company, yes, we’re slow). I’ve met with the VP of Human Resources about improving benefits for the LGBTQ community and encouraging them to engage with the community. You can come out later in life and still make a difference. You can come out later in life and still have an amazing life. It is never too late. It might not always be easy. But it is never too late.
David
This story makes it sound like coming out at 53 is amazing. The man is only 53, not 90. My wish for this man is to have a great rest of his life!
Notright
Wow coming at at 53 is amazing! I give props to that guy!
Btw for those of you who are mature or looking looking to date someone mature you should check out http://www.gayinternationaldating.com . Broaden your horizons and date abroad!
ron.fisher
I just came out a little over a year ago at 63…I am part of a project called “Living without Disguises” here is the link to my story….
http://livingwithoutdisguises.com/?page_id=933
Lycurgus
I’m 63, came out at 17. It’s a matter of personal integrity, intelligence, character, etc. You have to be tolerant of people though, because for the most part they are not exactly all that. With a little encouragement though the best can be made of a shitty situation.
ron.fisher
Yes I agree..it has been interesting for me because I find the gay culture does not know how to deal with me, what I feel I say, if it is not right i know and set boundaries but in the end I am approaching life all in, I think the heart is a muscle that needs to be used and I want to find someone special at some point. Can I be hurt yes but if I want to find someone I truly connect with I think that is the only way…..I just feel whole for the first time in my life so I think I understand how Never Too Late feels….happy for him..
Stilinski26
Handsome man
emily44568798
Like Nancy answered I’m amazed that any body able to earn $8894 in 4 weeks on the computer . browse around this
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Sluggo2007
You are who you are. The sooner you come to terms with the truth, no matter how difficult it is, the happier and healthier you will be. It is never too late.
hansniemeijer
Coming out makes me feel uncomfortable, as if you have to confess you have committed a crime. There is absolutely no reason to explain or apologize for what you really are. I happen to be a homosexual, a left handed person,a vegetarian and many more things. To me it is a bit like a brand of shoes Just do (be) it.
ChrisK
At least with a vegetarian or a left handed person they don’t actively have to lie about their situation so everyone is “comfortable”.
pudman56
I’m a 60 year old openly gay man. I don’t really know of anyone who blossomed later in life but (not being shady) but starting my path to opening up began at 15. In all sincerity I commend you, and anyone, to come out. Free yourself to be yourself. To coin a phrase, It’s gets better.
andrewl
Hi – I came out at 40 – it was my birthday present to myself. I should have done it years before but had not. It was not because I expected to lose family and friends as I knew they loved me. It was my own cowardice (for want of a better term). I felt that for so many years I had not been fully truthful with my family and friends and I felt embarrassed. Anyway while it did not really come as a huge shock to most people some were taken aback which surprised me. However, overall reaction was great but the most important aspect was that I no longer had to live a compartmentalised/boxed in closeted life. It was so freeing. I am sure it is a different experience for everyone.
gregory_phillips
My late-life story…. I came out in the late 70’s – at 18 a freshman in college – who finally knew what made him different his whole life – but had no clue what it was. Oh I knew when I watched Lassie as a youngster – that I wanted to be in the man’s embrace – not holding the woman – but I had no clue what it was. I like to look at the other guys in the locker room and see their junk, and didn’t oogle at girls, but still didn’t know. But OH NO, once I knew and acted on it, and came out to my parents , all hell broke loose – and the next thing I know I’m living in the mountains, working my ass off at a construction job, and seeing a psychiatrist weekly, and a whole other bunch of activities designed to make me a real man and not a c*ck-sucker. Degradded, demeaned, destroyed. For a lark – there was a time my high-school ‘girl-friend’ came down, there was music, plenty of alcohol, and a fire-place with a makeout pit – they got their result – pregnancy, and I was ‘cured’ of my sexual illness. Ah a lifetime of self loathing and denial – pushing my self into religion, if I tried hard enough to act like a man, I would be a man, If I prayed, fasted, and hard and sincere enough – then G-d would rip this evil root of homosexuality out of me, and make me straight. I wanted to be straight so bad that I would have to refrain urges to rape women. But no, the only thing that got pushed down was the desire to be in the arms of a man. A multiple decade marriage, many children and foster children later, and we grew apart, and divorced not over homosexuality, but what most marriages end over – a difference of values and financial goals. And even then – I dated women, but then I discovered the down-low. I wasn’t married so it would be OK to sneak and indulge a little bit once in a while. And then months later on national coming out day, my best buddy said – Dude you’re gay – come out already. And I did. Or as some friends said “Greg didn’t open the closet door, he kicked the m*ther f*cker down and charged out” – a good assessment! All I wanted after that was a regular friend with benefits or more, the fly by night sex – wasn’t cutting it after the brief period of over-indulging freedom at last feeling! I couldn’t relate to life long gay men – or more correctly the ones I dated refused to try and understand where I had come from, to the point of being shamed for having lived a suppressed life in the closet. Then I met a man coming from a similar history – we had a lot in common – near the same age (helpful for conversations cuz life isn’t all sex), and ended up together rather quickly, and married two years later. That’s it in a nutshell – there is much more to the story, and I have much more to learn. Contact me on FaceBook – if you have a similar story and want to share – I think this all needs to be memorialized in a book.
gregory_phillips
my second time coming out was at 51 – I’m 57 now – and when I came out the second time – my mother reacted almost as supportive as in 1978……. Dad’s long dead – so I guess it didn’t bother him any. It took a few years for mom to let it go, but I know if I broke up with my husband and got a woman – she would leave her atheist beliefs and go to church !!! Most of life is positive now, My closest and best friends are all the same straight people who hung with me when I came out. I’m not sure if it is me from living a straight life that I don’t fit into the gay community well, but I don’t care at this point, kinda a Britney moment – but change of the words “Love me – Hate me – what ever you want me because F you – I’m secure on my own”
Doughosier
I can’t imagine. That’s like going to an amusement park at closing time, when most of the rides are turned off.
1EqualityUSA
clever & fun