Conservative Writer Laments The Loss Of Fun Gays, Blames All These Damn Rights

bored-gaysThank you, Patrick Howley, alleged reporter for conservative cum stain The Daily Caller, for making my job super fun, despite your protestations to the lack of fun in today’s gays.

In a lengthy, hopefully ironic — I don’t see how anyone sane can account for this otherwise — article for the Caller, Howley gets his “heterosexual” man panties in a bunch over the loss of his beloved, “fun” gays he’s come to expect and stereotype to the rights-obsessed, actual human beings he’s come to be incredibly annoyed by.

Thank you, because this type of blinding douchebaggery comes along but once in a gay blue moon. Pardon me while I put on my reading glasses:

Gays have become totally boring, this reporter has learned.

Although gay Americans were for decades popularly identified as daring, transgressive, flamboyant, colorful and sometimes menacing (though also intriguing) mavericks, self-styled advocates have managed to rebrand the gay community as a bland, tedious, grievance group eagerly seeking government approval.

Referring to the recent passage of ENDA in the Senate as “another anti-business piece of legislation that allows self-identified cultural victims to sue their employers after they get fired,” Howley endeavors on a lengthy takedown of the gays and the lack of fun they’re forcing upon him and his conservative kind.

Of course this diatribe wouldn’t be complete without Howley limp-wristedly proclaiming his love of “the gays” as evidenced by the plethora of homosexuals in his life:

Now, let me be queer clear. I love the gays. I have gay friends, gay mentors, gay acquaintances and associates. In fact, many people even assume that I am gay.

Like that guy he blew last night?

Particularly women I’ve slept with.

Oh, I stand corrected. They must only think he’s gay after having slept with him. Fumbling around a lady’s parts in the middle of the night or the middle of a Viagra-induced drunkfest does not belie one’s inexperience. But why? Why all this gay baiting?

I only get it because I’m skinny and I look like I’d be a bottom. It’s demeaning, really.

Maybe demeaning to other bottoms. But, I wonder what it feels like to be demeaned based solely on someone’s perception of you? Eh, whatever. Here’s some more crap:

At least creepy old gay dudes cowering in the corners of Metro stations are still keeping things interesting. Their weird, trembling, ballpoint ink stains-on-their-buttoned-down-shirts brand of gayness is in line with the hallmarks and the tenets of the gayness that I know and love.

And who were these gays Howley loved so damn much?

Gayness used to be pretty awesome,  according to alternative literature from the period 1954-78. Back in the gay day, gays were subversive adventurers, trolling the city streets at night on a lustful quest for experience and with an outlaw mentality not seen since the days of the Wild West. They were decadently-dressed sexual superheroes, daring Middle America to condemn them as they pranced their corseted, high-heeled bodies around to midnight screenings of great American movies like The Rocky Horror Picture Show, Pink Flamingoes, and Mommy Dearest. They had an ingrained creativity, a patented sense of irony. They had a brand. They had an identity.

Seriously, someone get this dude a dick to sit on. Couple things: nearly all alternative literature between 1954-1978 features gay characters who are either self-loathing, suicidal or severely messed up in some other way thanks to society’s persecution of homosexuals. There’s a lot of gorgeous literature, of course — 1978 being perhaps the greatest and gayest year for queer fiction with the publication of Andrew Holleran’s Dancer from the Dance, Edmund White’s Nocturnes for the King of Naples and Larry Kramer‘s Faggots — but something happened after 1978 which may have taken the “fun” out of the gays.

A little thing called AIDS. Losing all of your friends to a mysterious disease the government refuses to acknowledge can really put a damper on your personal life. Howley goes on to squeeze himself into his narrow-minded argument, arguing that gay men are unfairly lumped into the “LGBTQIAX7@!” community:

If you want to put on a mesh shirt and take on two dudes at once, you’re the same as an “Asexual” librarian. If you’re blue-balling your teenage lover by merely “Questioning” and not committing, you’re the same as guys who have been walking around holding hands on sidewalks since the Carter years. If you’re a regular, normal, everyday gay guy in a healthy relationship, you get lumped into the same group with people who were born with two different sets of genitalia.

Listen. Gay rights, LGBT rights, LGBTQIAA rights — what have you — are everyone’s rights. People are people, no matter how they identify, and that deserves to be fought for, not dismissed as as annoying or inconvenient. What Howley is lamenting is not a loss of the good ole gays, it’s a loss of the marginalization of LGBT folk and our refusal to be secondhand citizens. Sorry that we’re no longer your sassy best friend or the sexually deviant — I guess? — mavericks  of gays gone by. Gays aren’t so much boring as we’re just no longer content to cower in the corners. Meanwhile, I had super fun writing this.

And for the record, gayness is still pretty awesome.

Photo: Quickmeme