BIEBER FEVER

Convicted Murderer/Belieber Planned To Kill And Castrate Justin Bieber

Dana Martin’s Bieber Fever got a hold of him and just wouldn’t let go.

The 45-year-old is serving 978 years in jail for the rape and murder of a 15-year-old girl in 2000, but that didn’t stop him from orchestrating an elaborate plot to kill and castrate Justin Bieber.

At the Southern New Mexico Corrections Facility, Martin recruited fellow inmate Mark Staake who in turn recruited his nephew, Tanner Ruane, to perform a series of murders, culminating in the killing and castration of the 18-year-old pop sensation and his bodyguard.

Staake, who was released in October after serving time for burglary, set off for Vermont on November 14 with Ruane to murder two unnamed victims. They were then to head down to New York to catch the Bieber between his November 28 and 29 concerts at Madison Square Garden.

Martin, according to a signed affidavit, wanted Ruane to castrate the Bieber and his bodyguard with Fiskars “Durasharp” gardening clippers, offering to pay him $2,500 for each testicle. Martin, being a sentimentalist (he has a tattoo of the Bieber on his leg) also wanted his victims strangled with his signature — a paisley necktie.

In the affidavit he refers to the murders as “the whole putting down of the ‘dogs.’”

But all dogs would be left standing after the murderous duo missed a highway exit in Vermont near the border crossing into Canada and got stopped by a border patrol agent. Though they apparently didn’t make much of the pruning shears in the back, Staake was arrested on outstanding warrants. Ruane was released only to be picked up by New York State Police after officials eavesdropped on his phone call with Martin in which they made reference to the murder plots.

When prison authorities confronted Martin, he provided them with a detailed plan and a hand-drawn map of Ruane and Staake’s travels. The three each now stand accused of two counts of conspiracy to commit murder and two counts of conspiracy to commit aggravated battery.

As for the Bieber, teenage girls and middle-aged men the world over breath a sigh of relief that nary a hair was harmed on his mop-topped head. His reps  responded to the murder/castration plot (which has been oddly popular this year) with a simple statement to  ABC News that theytake every precaution to protect and ensure the safety of Justin and his fans.”

(h/t: D-Listed)

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21 Comments

  • BritAus

    Loonies.

  • sfbeast

    castrating justin bieber seems redundant

  • 1EqualityUSA

    sfbeast–you read my mind, word for word, except I had a period at the end of the sentence. Spook-ville.

  • Tracy

    Thwarted castration plot……..

  • hf2hvit

    Can a lesbian be castrated?

  • Jay

    Presumes testicles not in evidence.

  • Tone

    Snark snark snark, aren’t we original!

  • Guillermo3

    Maybe the plotter should receive an award,or get early
    probation for time well-served.

  • montanom

    This is serious shit. The big problem here is that most convicts are mentally-ill, and the incarceration process is useless, because it merely serves as punishment, but it doesn’t correct the problem. These people should be in a psych ward until they can be safely reintroduced into society, even after the incarceration time has been served. But the obvious is that the 1% doesn’t give a damn about human rights and access to healthcare, including mental healthcare.

  • Spike

    And this exactly is the victim had this occurred? Certainly not the general public.

  • MickeyP.

    Ok,admittedly I smiled at some of the responses,but as much as I dislike Justin,I’d never want to see anything like this happen.It makes me wonder how a prisoner was able to accomplish what he did.I know he hired henchmen,but how? It’s a scary thought that someone locked up for life could get this far.

  • the other Greg

    Ugh, wish I hadn’t clicked on this one, I’m a gardener and now I’ll get queasy just looking at the Fiskar pruners.

    @montanom: Good point, prison just exacerbates mental illness.

  • Ted Lemen

    I wonder if Canadian oysters taste like Rocky Mountain oysters?

  • Kasnar

    I’ll refrain from taking all of this hating on the Bieber too seriously. I mean the kid’s still a growing boy @ 18. Give him a break. the story is like straight out of Criminal Minds.

  • John Doe

    I just don’t get why so many gay people jump on the bandwagon to make fun of this kid, making lesbian and other sorts of jokes. Part of me wishes that the gay community would be less judging and more tolerant of people who are different or picked on by others. But I see time and time again how borderline intolerant the gay community can be at times. Had this been a bunch of conservatives making sexually insulting jokes about a gay person’s mannerisms, many in the gay community would have a hissy fit and call that conservative a bigot, a moron or whatever. But, if the gay community makes an insult against anyone… it is always ok. Well, it is all often done in humor… but it still reflects poorly when some gays seem no better than the same people who make fun of gays.

  • Kasnar

    @montanom: I don’t think you can rehabilitate a psychopath.

  • spanprof

    Come on, why are we dumping on the Beibs? He’s 19. Yes, he’s been around the world, has made a huge fortune, but he’s still naive. If he sings like a teenager, that’s because he is one. He’s also done a lot of philanthropy for which he takes no credit. Leave him be. No one said you had to be a fan.

  • jmmartin

    I think this is a made-up story designed to get Justin cast as himself in a movie, “The Abduction and Castration of Justin Bieber as Staged by the Inmates of the Southern New Mexico Corrections Facility.” The whole thing is a comedy-farce. The post-modern equivalent of the Theatre of the Absurd. I can see it being brought to the movies by someone like Gus Van Sant.

  • John Doe

    @spanprof: I agree. I don’t own any JB music but I saw an interview of him by some foreign reporter. JB is self taught on several instruments, writes music, gives tons of money to charities, visits kids in hospitals, is always surprising his fans with visits, etc. All this and he’s only 18 (per Wikipedia). Well, I don’t think I’ll ever buy his music but I can sure see a ton of talent and sincerity in him.

  • yaoming

    Ifnhe isn’t a lezbian, then why iz this [email protected] news?

  • Guillermo3

    @jmmartin: Probably not,jmartin,but
    a nice fantasy and GREAT title.Takes me back many years to when
    the original “Marat/Sade”film was playing at a distant campus
    theatre:When a friend called to ask what was playing and the times,
    the redneck who answered replied.”Mayrat/Sade and the Charleton Idiots”.

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