Craigslist Love: Seeking a Soulmate in the Senate

As a service to the gay community, throughout this Valentine’s Day season, Queerty is playing Anne Landers/Dan Savage to the online gay world of Craigslist, our favorite go-to spot for unintentional hilarity. We’ll give our advice to online suitors, but we hope you’ll get involved as well, helping to play cupid to the digital masses teeming to breathe heavy.

Obama 2008Today’s lovelorn seeker comes from our national glory hole, better known as the U.S Senate:

we’re new interns in the senate together – m4m – 22 (Senate)
Reply to: [email protected] [?]
Date: 2009-01-28, 8:01PM EST

We both just started as interns in the Senate. We spent pretty much all day together. We had lunch together. You are a really cool guy and probably straight, but I thought I would give this a shot. Describe yourself to me to see if it’s a match.

With Larry Craig out of the Senate, chances that this post is actually a carefully crafted fishing expedition by one of our legislators is greatly diminished, so for the moment we’re going to assume that this post is genuine.

First off, congratulations are in order for a young Senate intern. What a prestigious honor and what an exciting time to be working in the hallowed halls of Congress. However, dear intern, trolling for Senate trade on Craigslist is a rather inauspicious way to begin one’s political career.

Perhaps you haven’t heard this, but “intern” and “sex” are two words the media love to string together. Chances are, you’re new to D.C., so here’s some pointers on how to get your rocks off in the seat of power.

No office romances!

Now, this is just good form for any job, but an on-the-job romance is even more perilous when your boss is able to raise your taxes and declare war. Say you do hook-up with your fellow intern pal. If the Mark Foley scandal taught us anything, it’s that the Senate intern pool is like Perez Hilton on The View: everyone gossips and nobody cares if its true. This is because, other than the fact that the fate of millions hangs on the decision-makers around you, Washington is a really dull and boring town. Do you really want to get the nickname “The Purple Tunnel of Doom” in your first few weeks on the job?

Realize the power of the phrase “Senate intern.”

Just because you can’t get it on with your fellow interns doesn’t mean that your sex-life is doomed, however. You can go to town any weekend you want, go up to any guy in the place you want, tell them you’re a Senate intern and they will go home with you. It doesn’t matter if you’re 300lbs and suffering from chronic halitosis, the phrase “Senate intern” will get you laid every time.

Realize the power of not using the phrase “Senate intern.”

The downside to dropping the “intern” bomb, is that people will use your connections. This is why your boss hires hookers. Hookers (usually) don’t talk. Now, we’re not advocating prostitution, but you should consider coming up with a convenient lie as to who you really are and what you do. You’ll find that, over time, this is what most people in D.C. do. It’s the only city in the world where the first thing to come out of someone’s mouth after saying, “You’re cute” is “All this is off the record.” Besides, don’t you want people to like you for yourself and not your burgeoning political power? Actually, as a politician-in-training, chances are you want the ego trip.

Aww, screw it. We would totally watch a Senate intern porn if such a thing existed (“Yes, We Cum!”), just don’t come crying to us when your boss asks why your boss catches you with your pants down on the Dirksen and Hart subway.

What advice do you have for a young man looking for love in the halls of power?