Best Friend With Benefits

Crazy Conservatives Convinced DADT Repeal Has Led Military To Legalize Bestiality

Many of us know how quickly an innocent gay orgy in the military barracks can turn into a full-on bestiality party. The dogs simply throw themselves at you when they see how much fun you’re having. Right? Right.

So it’s no surprise that crazy-ass conservative groups are now trotting out a”slippery slope argument” claiming the repeal of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell has cleared the way for the military to legalize bestiality.

Here’s what really happened: Despite the fact that the Supreme Court threw out anti-sodomy laws  in 2004, the bowels of the Uniform Code of Military Justice still contains some obscure anti-sodomy language stating that any soldier who “engages in unnatural carnal copulation with another person of the same sex or opposite sex or with an animal is guilty of sodomy.”

Kind of reminds us of the old saying that the only unnatural sex act is the one you’re unable to perform.

Military officials want to get with the 21st century and remove that passage, because sodomy isn’t a crime anymore. But insane family-values types are losing their marbles over this, claiming that deleting this language equals a tacit approval of dog-fucking. Just to be clear, it’s not. “The department’s position on this issue remains unchanged and that act remains illegal,” defense spokesman Lt. Col Todd Breasseale told

That hasn’t stopped the Family Resource Council from sniffing out the gay agenda’s “campaign to radicalize the country from the Pentagon out.”

A blog post titled “Bestiality Should Give Leaders Paws in Troop Bill” reads in part:

“This is the slippery slope that FRC warned of. For three long years, President Obama has worked to draft the military into his radical social agenda. Obviously, the administration understands that once it breaks down the values and inhibitions of our Defense Department, society will be easier to wear down. Here, the unintended consequence of that push opens the door to an act so vile it’s embarrassing to mention–let alone tolerate.”

But while the FRC hid behind its desks like cowards, Intrepid WorldNetDaily reporter Les Kinsolving bravely took the bestiality question to a White House press conference. And press secretary Jay Carney refused to answer the question on the grounds that it wasn’t “serious.”

There you have it, folks. The White House is covering up its legalization of bestiality at the highest levels.

Now let’s get back to our regularly scheduled dog orgies.

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  • bagooka

    From far away, that soldier’s face looks like a baby’s.

  • tookietookie

    Only if the Labrador buys me a drink first.

  • bagooka

    @tookietookie: The soldier wouldn’t buy you a drink. He’s straight.

  • Tyler

    This is so f-ing ridiculous. I’m glad I live in Australia sometimes. I swear to God if someone said something like that here their life would be unbearable with the shit they’d get from everyone about how dumb they are. I don’t know why Americans think they’re so special sometimes – a lot of these gay rights issues like DADT (not to brag but 1992 the military allowed gays here, 1992! – that’s almost 20 years ago!) and same-sex marriage have been done ages ago elsewhere and the sky hasn’t fallen in. It’s a pity the US (and Australia for that matter) can’t be more like Europe and just get on with social change. These religious nutters make such a big deal out of nothing.

    Oh and that guy’s face does look a bit like a baby’s from far away.

  • Chris

    Note this part of the actual code:

    It is unnatural carnal copulation for a person to take into that person’s mouth or anus the sexual organ of another person or of an animal; or to place that person’s sexual organ in the mouth or anus of another person or of an animal; or to have carnal copulation in any opening of the body, except the sexual parts, with another person; or to have carnal copulation with an animal.

    It doesn’t even mention the gender of the persons involved! Clearly what this possible repeal is really doing is paving the way for straight folks to have oral sex. This is unacceptable and clearly bad for military moral. Think of the children. Think of the bad breath.

  • slanty

    It’s very interesting how that law define opposite sex as unnatural. Which sex acts are they thinking of? Do military men often perform scat?

  • Marie Cohn

    K-9 patrols use KY!

  • Mike in Asheville

    What is truly annoying is/are the idiot(s) who did not foresee the ruckus that would be created by not separating human conduct and beastiality. Certainly update and remove laws against sodomy; but why not leave the beastiality ban in place? I can’t believe that the Pentagon and Justice Department lawyers couldn’t have handled this without creating the mess they did.

  • Crysta

    “Here, the unintended consequence of that push opens the door to an act so vile it’s embarrassing to mention–let alone tolerate.”
    They are talking about “Accepting” that gays are human too…

    If gay men are human too, there goes their source of free priest labor!

  • Sam

    The Supreme Court threw out the U.S.’s last remaining sodomy laws in 2003, not 2004.

  • RoXas Saix

    Awestruck. So the bill also says that straight people can’t have anal sex? Man, that bill is hurting them more then us. We all know how much guys like anal.

    Also, if the dog rapes you, have you commited beastiality, or has the dog? I never understood that.

  • LandStander

    @RoXas Saix: Actually, sodomy also includes oral sex :-)

  • jason

    Some of these Right-wing sorts are the products of bestiality.

  • Shannon1981

    I already had problems with PETA, though I am a huge animal lover. Always thought their tactics were extreme. Here is the proof. I am sick and tired of homosexuality being compared to sex with animals and other heinous acts. Sex between two consenting adults in no way represents a threat to animals or anyone, nor does it represent anything less “normal”(whatever the hell that means) than heterosexual sex. This ideology is dangerous, offensive, and ignorant.

  • scribe31

    I am sorry but is there a rash of dog rapes going on in the world that I am not aware of? I am sure that most states have laws against fucking animals, so even if it is off the military books, couldn’t they still use the civil law of whatever state or country they were in to boot the doggie fucker out of the armed service? This whole arguement makes me go yawn… Just another case of the right being assholes.

  • macmantoo

    Well actually it has, just ask Marcus Bachmann. He’s been having sex with his wife for years. (I guess-I have no first hand knowledge though)

  • scribe31

    @macmantoo: omg! lol! yeah she is the biggest bitch around, but seriously do u think gay face Marcus actually screws his wife????

Comments are closed.