Did you know that Jesus will come and reclaim all his followers this Saturday? Did you know that Jesus plans to reap all their souls at 6pm EST because He despises Eastern Standard time the most? Did you also know that God will completely destroy the Earth and the universe five months later on October 21 (one day after my birthday—thanks God!). Did you know that it’s pretty much the fault of teh gays? Do you ever wonder why religious bigots blame everything these days on us?
If you have not yet heard the good news, you should listen to Harold Camping, the nutty 91-year-old President of the evangelical broadcast Family Radio. He previously predicted that the Rapture would occur in September 1994, but he has improved his biblical math skills since then, so this time he’s really sure it’s gonna happen you guys! And while it might be a bummer to lose some of our cooler Christian friends, we are pretty hyped about a world without evangelical persecution! Just imagine—with them gone it will be much easier to build a world based on loving your neighbor, treating others like you want to be treated, and other worthwhile biblical teachings that anti-gay Christianists tend to ignore!