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Dance producer Spencer Brown has revealed he is gay in a moving essay for Billboard. The piece was published yesterday, before the end of Pride Month.
San Francisco-based Brown first made a name for himself in the dance music community with the release of his debut Above and Beyond EP in 2014. Off the back of that, he toured the US with the late Avicii and became a regular fixture at festivals. Signed to Ajunbeats, he’s released two albums: 2018’s Illusion of Perfection and this year’s Stream of Consciousness.
He begins the essay by saying, “Imagine waking up daily with unshakable self-hate without knowing why. School starts in an hour; crippling anxiety keeps you under your sheets. You stumble into the bathroom and look in the mirror; you see a person you don’t understand. You drive to school; you drown your thoughts with the loudest music you own. You try to suppress your natural feelings and emotions; you tell yourself that love is an idiotic fairytale.
“This was my, and many others’, reality for over a decade, but I’ve learned that mornings don’t have to be that way.”
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Related: Actor Ben Aldridge celebrates pride… by coming out!
He goes on to say that career-wise, he is living his dream. However, to really love himself, he also had to embrace his sexuality.
“I am gay. It’s so much easier to say today than it was even a few years ago. While I have never publicly denied this part of me, I have also never spoken out about it. I will no longer live in fear.”
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He says that as a teenager, he lived in Dallas, in a very “hetero-normative community.” He tried to persuade himself he was attracted to girls to fit in.
“My only solace became dance music. As a teenager, I would sneak into shows to be a part of a beautiful community where all races, genders, sexualities, and religions came together to celebrate life. It didn’t matter who you were, and it still doesn’t. As long as you bring good energy, you are welcome. It was where I belonged, and it’s still where I belong.”
He focussed on producing as a way of not having to deal with his feelings. When he could no longer deny his lack of sexual interest in girls, he decided he might be asexual. However, denying his true sexual feelings led to anxiety, panic attacks and self-hatred. He also developed OCD.
“When I was 20-years-old, my depression hit rock-bottom during a summer in Los Angeles. I vividly remember barely being able to get out of bed only to cry while looking at myself in the mirror. It crossed my mind for the first time. Am I gay? It can’t be. No way. My family will be devastated. I’ll lose my friends. I won’t have a future. I can’t have kids. What is the point of living?”
That was six years ago. He says it was a turning point for him. Around a year later, he began to nervously confide in close friends. When they all showed support, his self-hatred began to ease.
Related: ‘Hairspray’ actress Nikki Blonsky comes out just in time for pride
“I’ve transformed from a self-hating, anxiety-ridden boy to a self-loving, grateful man. I’m learning to transform my OCD into something more productive—like perfecting my mixdowns and sound design. I’m discovering ways to pass on the support I found in the dance music community, and I’m finding so much to be thankful for.”
On Instagram, Brown posted a link to the article, saying, “It was extremely heavy to be this publicly vulnerable, but I am hoping it will help just one person who is struggling, wherever you are in the world. Happy Pride 🏳️🌈! I’m surely proud to be gay.”
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Jim
Get over yourself, it’s the 21st century.
Jon in Canada
You first asswipe.
controversial2019
I initially read this as “Dance artist comes out as gay”. My first thought was: Someone that dances is gay? Shocker. Then I realised, ha.
Do people need to still come out these days? I feel it’s unnecessary.
Personally I wish I could go back in time and not come out. It’s just so “look at me look at me”. I wish it had just been the case that I brought home my first boyfriend and when I was asked who he was “my boyfriend”. Or when talking I’d have said “Oh me and X…” “Who’s X?” “My boyfriend”.
Just integrate them into your conversations or life like any Heterosexual would. People will probably clock on. If they don’t, and ask directly, you answer. But by including them in your conversations, you never “come out”, because you were never “in”.
Jon in Canada
Oh look, another dubious gay trying to dismiss the need to come out. Newsflash dear, homophobia is still very much a thing and it’s not going away anytime soon, though I wish it would. I came out in 1975 and back then, that was a potential death sentence; and while it’s not so much today, it’s still an act of courage and defiance, but you’d know that if you actually knew what you were talking about.
Kangol2
Given how much homophobia still exists in the US, why various trolls coming on Queerty to post “get over yourself” again and again when various public figures make the huge decision to come out? It might be the 21st century but it was not until just a week or so ago that the Supreme Court, deciding in the face of homophobic appeals from the President of the US and many Republicans, struck down the right of businesses to fire people because they are gay or trans. We’re talking TWO DECADES into the 21st century. So why the trolling dismissiveness?
Anyways, congrats to Spencer Brown, and Happy Pride 2020!!!
controversial2019
Why do so many people get so aggressive on here?
“Dubious gay”
“Troll”
Despite being part of the same community we don’t all have to think the exact same things.
If anyone read my comment I explicitly mentioned the act of “coming out” which, to me, is VERY different to living ones life as an openly gay/LGBTQ+ Person.
Living as an openly LGBT person, IS still brave. People do still have hatred. There are still victims. Nothing in my comment removed the importance or bravery in living as an openly gay/LGBT person.
My whole point was the announcement.
Saying:
“Mum, dad – I’m gay” to me is no MORE brave/significant than simply turning up with a guy and saying “Mum, dad, this is my boyfriend James”. The latter still makes your sexuality known and open…in the same way as the first.
My comment was about how I feel the declaration of “I am gay” is, in MY opinion, something that i regret and how I wish I’d entered my life as an openly gay man via simply referencing my boyfriend in conversation or introducing him as my boyfriend; WITHOUT any prior warning/disclaimer to the world of “I’m gay”.
Neoprene
We already knew, Spence.