The last thing I expected from the white guy whose fingers were creeping down my back was a lesson in black pride.
Nathan was a walking, talking, groping bundle of contradictions. His hand slyly creeping down the length of my back was saying one thing, but his resting bitch face was saying something else entirely. As for what his mouth was saying, well, that was the most confusing thing of all.
“Why do you surround yourself with white guys?”
Huh?
How about we take this to the next level?
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I looked around the “VIP” lounge at Stonewall, the most popular gay bar in Sydney, and then at the blond, late-thirtysomething white man questioning me. The answer was pretty obvious. There wasn’t another black person in sight. That should have been considered par for the course to any Sydneysider, but Nathan didn’t seem to notice.
“Why are you here with that white guy? Is he your boyfriend?”
“Oh, Adam? He and I are just friends. We work together.”
“Why do black guys always hang out with white guys? Where are your black friends? Why don’t you date black men?”
Related: Dear white gays: Can you please stop whitesplainin’ your racism to me?
I’d faced this line of questioning before, but usually it came from disapproving blacks who thought my dating white men was tantamount to treason. While that’s basically reverse racism disguised as black pride, I understood the hardline according to resentful gay black men. Being routinely discounted because of race tends to make one hypersensitive about color.
Yes, I get it. Some of them conflate having an all-white dating history with making statements like “I’m not attracted to black people” or “No Asians.” That’s perfectly plausible. But there’s a difference between saying, “I’ve never been to Spain,” and saying, “I’d never go there.” One can spend every holiday in London without rejecting Madrid entirely.
But how would Nathan even benefit from the sort of blanket rejection he was promoting. He was a white guy trying to get with a black guy by telling the black guy not to get with white guys. Even if it had made any sense, I didn’t need him, of all people, to teach me black pride.
I already knew that it’s not contingent on a black person’s number of black Facebook friends or black exes. Neither is a white person’s level of racial enlightenment. I have black and white friends who never go black but are still perfectly woke when it comes to racial matters. I also know white men with blacks-only sex and dating policies who are absolutely clueless about race and racism.
Nathan sounded like one of them. Was he trying to sabotage his chances with me, or was he c*ck-blocking the white competition? Don’t pay attention to those guys. Don’t want them. Look at me. I’m the enlightened one who’s up with black people.
I considered the case he was making. I didn’t see any black people in his party. Was I missing something? Was it OK for him to be out with a group of white friends while I was flawed for having one by my side? Was this a segregationist agenda masquerading as a pro-black one?
“You have to support your race.” Nathan wasn’t ready to let it go.
“Is that what you’re doing by hitting on me, supporting my race?”
“Well, black guys are hotter,” he announced, as if that was the only attribute that mattered. At least now we were getting to the core of his black obsession.
Nathan tried to support his blacks-rule theory by pulling out his cell phone and showing me his screen saver. It was a musclebound black hunk wearing nothing but underwear and a prominent bulge.
Why, of course! I thought. What good is a black man without one of those?!
Did he think I’d look like that if he got me undressed? Was he was expecting both a “proud” gay black man who was interested only in other GBMs and a “hot” one who could satisfy the “BBC” (big black c*ck) GWM fantasy?
Related: Which comes first: My race or my sexuality?
Nathan’s great black hype came across as double-pronged racism. He was objectifying the black men he craved sexually and discriminating against the white ones he dismissed.
I didn’t call him on it because I knew it was a lost cause. I’d encountered enough white guys like him to know better. They think as long as they pursue black men, they can’t possibly be racist.
Yet race always seems to come up with them because, well, what else is there to a black guy? There’s an undercurrent of unintentional racism there that they don’t seem to recognize. That very over-awareness of race, whether in favor of the minority or not, is at the root of racism?
In all my years of being black, I’d never given serious consideration to what it would feel like to be white. But after being bombarded by Nathan, I wondered what it would be like to be on the other side and not have random conversations with strangers suddenly turn into race debates. What would it be like to log on to Grindr and not read messages like Big black c*ck??
Oh, to talk to a guy at Stonewall and not have to wonder if he’s wondering if it’s true what they say about guys like me!
“Hey, my eyes are up here, dude!”
Several years ago, a black Zimbabwean friend in Cape Town told me about how many gay black South Africans are so fed up with gay white men that they’ve cut them out completely. I’ve seen similar reactions among African-Americans all my life, and it’s not how I roll. When racism spawns reverse racism, it perpetuates segregation. How is that healthy? How is that progress?
I knew Nathan, all lust and self-satisfaction, was too blind to get it. And that night, he didn’t get me, but not because I decided his blacks-only agenda was worth pursuing. I’ll never start accepting or rejecting anyone socially or sexually based on race, but he was one white guy who didn’t stand a chance with me.
Related: It’s time to retire the term “BBC” and stop fetishizing black men
Creamsicle
Oh man, I can’t wait for the comment section to fill up with fragility on all sides. This is gonna be good.
Catholicslutbox
Gurl please.
Tête Carrée
Try not to cream yourself.
CastleSF
You decision is not fair to guys who are into dating black men. You not only take your potential black boyfriend out of the singles market, you also make yourself unavailable to men who may otherwise want to date you as a black man. Don’t do this.
DCguy
So your point his he shouldn’t date another black guy because there might be white guys out there that want to date them?
Please explain why that matters.
CastleSF
My point is, there are not a lot of gay black guys out there and the ones that are out and comfortable with their sexual orientation are even fewer. So if those bachelor black guys decide only to date other black guys, what chance do people who are into dating black men have? It’s hard to compete with people from their own race.
startenout
Did you misunderstand that fact that black men don’t want to be your fetish one way or the other? How about just knowing all men of all races as human people?
dwes09
Castle understands very little. To him,. all proper human interaction, all possible ways to be spring entirely and only from his imagination (or perhaps come from the regressive information sources he uses, if any).
There is no point in speaking to him from experience as he does not really understand what that is.
Cylest Brooks
@dwes09… careful. This is close to the line on our comment policy. No personal attacks against other commenters, please.
Thanks!
ChrisK
Lord. Read half way before I released it’s the same writer that complains about white men objectifying him for his BBC. Ha. This is just getting old.
JaredMacBride
If you dated only black men that would be your business and one of anyone else’s. Next.
michel_banen
My thoughts exactly !
startenout
It should be, but black men… really, most people of color, get questioned about why they are dating or even just hanging out with people outside their race. And in this article, it’s being done by the “well meaning white guy” who is actively trying to get with him while questioning why he’d get with him. Sigh. It’s painful.
Donston
I actually thought the author was interested in going to an uncomfortable space. Like, why do I only date white guys? And what about white guys who only date black dudes or non-black latinos who only date black Asians? Why are racial preferences even a thing? That could actually be an interesting subject. But the article just ended up being another article to hate on some random white dude. One of this site’s convoluted agendas seem to be to push interracial dating (which once again, isn’t a problem for us, since ratio wise there’s a really high number of interracial same-sex couples). Yet, a white guy who simply says his preference are black dudes is automatically deemed to be objectfying all black men.
The messiness and hypocrisy of it all. It’s kinda funny how this site keeps contradicting itself.
Kangol
I also don’t think this writer, whom Queerty has published repeatedly, is ever going to go near the sorts of questions you pose, or even understands how hollow the term “reverse racism” is. His analogy about Spain is also nonsensical. He clearly 2q, and is determined to write endlessly about how they objectify, disrespect, etc., him, without looking in the mirror to ask, why am I so fixated on being with people who do not treat me well or even with basic dignity? Why don’t I have any friends or lovers or, gods forbid, a partner who looks like me? Instead, we get variations on the same article over and over. Beaux Banks’ brief statements in another article are far more insightful.
Cylest Brooks
I think it’s important to remember that Queerty has an entire staff of writers, with a range of beliefs and viewpoints, and that “the site” itself is free from any agenda. What you’re suggesting is hypocrisy or contradiction is actually just different people expressing different viewpoints.
Issues of sexuality, along with issues of race, are very complex and nuanced. There is no unilateral viewpoint for most of these issues, as much as that would make things easier.
DCguy
The “White Guy” didn’t simply say his preference was African Americans, he looked down his nose at the guy for hanging around with White Guys. I’m not sure what you gain by misrepresenting what the article said.
Kangol
Why not? You have Black men from all over the world–the US and North America, Latin America, Africa, Europe, Australia and the Pacific Islands, even Asia. No two Black men are alike, so why is this even a question?
Date who you like, and if you’re attracted to other Black men and vice versa, date them. You might find real happiness.
Seriously, Queerty, where do you find these people?
troyfight
^Bromancer7 and ChrisK ….couldn’t agree more. …..basically: if another person (like Nathan) is disrespectful to you for ANY reason. Move the fuck on……this is where Craigslist gave no shits.
sydboy007
Um. Racism is privilege + power. A person of colour showing bigotry to another person of colour is termed colourism. Frannie told me so.
Seems white men can’t win. If a prison of colour turns them on its a fetish, and if they say not my type it’s got to be racism.
chris33133
We’re so busy analyzing why we date someone, that we seem to be losing sight of why we date someone: to find a partner with whom we might want to share at least part of our lives. There are no rules for success here; no rights; no wrongs; just consequences and the dictum: don’t be hateful about it.
Frank
EXACTLY we have a winner…
tnguy222
What is this nonsense? Really, truly, who gives a shit?
Frank
Date whom EVER you want for whatever reason…
However, if you can not see that a specific and/or any Black man, White man, Asian man, Hispanic/Latin man (oh the list goes on and on)…as attractive then there is the problem…
MoleMcHenry
It’s easy to not have to worry about race when you’re white. So from your perspective, it looks like a bunch of people of color complaining. But in reality it’s something people of color have to deal with all the time. I don’t want to have to even think about my race. But when other dudes are.kike “you’re too black for me” or “I love ghetto boys” or other micro agressive or as long as guys like you try to pretend everything is ok and we shouldn’t be talking about our race then I’ll stop obsessing.
Donston
I’ve read this article three times, and I still can’t make heads or tails of it. It seems self-defensive, a ploy to cover up the guilt for only really being into white dudes: See, I may only be into white guys, but I’m still gonna call them out on their BS. Therefore, you can’t take away my Black Card.
I’m tired of people making excuses for being with who they want to be with. If that’s where your instincts, passions and romantic/sexual satisfactions send you it’s whatever. All of this generation’s mealy-mouthing, doublespeak, latching on to all-encompassing identities, self-victimizing and overly explaining yourself without really explaining anything at all- it all just makes someone look like they’re trying to shield insecurities.
Racism and prejudice is serious stuff. This article reduces it to: a white guy says he thinks black men are hot. Isn’t that troubling?
Donston
MoleMcHenry, the problem is the dude didn’t say any of that stuff. He simply said he thinks black guys are more attractive to a black man. That’s what microagression is now? That probably wasn’t the cutest thing to say to a guy you’re hitting on. But it seems like we’re getting nit-picky here. Hell, I’ve said worse, including, “You’re one sexy white faag. Let me pound that round pink booty”. (I remember saying this, because it’s the only time I was ever that legitimately aggressive). And I got laid that night.
lotsathoughts
I agree with you. I would like to hear more ideas and opinions you might have. Idk how to communicate with users. My g? is my username with 1393 added.
Any other reader who may want to increase my knowledge lmk. Thanks
Heywood Jablowme
“I knew Nathan, all lust and self-satisfaction, was too blind to get it.”
That’s it! Jeremy needs a cute BLIND white guy.
hmmm… but with his luck, the cute blind white guy will have too much of an ear for black dialect. “Oooh it’s so hot to hear you talk.”
Then we’re back to square one I guess.
surreal33
What if men of color STOPPED seeking or accepting validation from white men…
Franklin
Amen. You really don’t need attention from white men to feel worthy. I know that’s what gay media seems to be selling, but men of color like the author of this article need to stop buying into it.
Apolodorus
Reverse racism is not a thing. There is only racism. White people don’t suffer from a special type of racism.
AxelDC
Oh really? Then why did my black coworkers complain about my boss hiring me as a “white man”?
Cylest Brooks
@AxelDC You’re making a fallacious argument. False equivalency, to be exact. Your coworkers may have a bias or racial prejudice… two things that are different from racism… but they are not racist.
Racism requires power. Those black folk complained to your boss but guess what? You still have the job! Why? Because there was nothing they could do about it… they had no power over you in that situation.
Ultimately, it’s important for you to understand that racial bias and racism are two different things, and that black people saying mean things to/about white people cannot fairly be compared against centuries of systemic oppression by white people against black people.
darius415
That not racism it is called bigotry or prejudice. WORDS HAVE MEANINGS!
dakota88
Racism by most definitions has nothing to do with power. It is simply that one’s race is seen as superior to another’s or that other races are inferior.
That being said, institutional racism involve power. It is very real,has have serious consequences that affect a great deal of people, and should not be something to be sniffed at.
In sociological circles, which most commenters seem to have their doctorates in, the word racism is typically used to refer to industrial racism due to the nature of sociology.
Individuals of one race can be racist against a race in power but suffer from institutional racism due to not having power.
The effects of that racism though tend to be more individual: feelings hurts, violence against that individual, etc.
Ger
Queerty is good for 2 things…
1) featuring pics of hot men
2) creating division among members of the gay community.
DCguy
Oh look, one of the screenames of the account that is constantly on here supporting Trump wants to try to act like African Americans are the main problem LGBTs have in the U.S.
You trolls are not remembering history. NOM had a memo saying that they were going to come onto lgbt sites to try to pit racial minorities and lgbts against each other. You’ve not only exposed yourself completely, but you made the mistake of using a very old tactic that failed them when they tried it like years ago. Time for the RNC to stop recycling the same trolls.
https://www.huffingtonpost.com/scottie-thomaston/nom-documents_b_1383028.html
Kenny C
I’m pretty encouraged by the comments. It is time to put this to bed because its tired. Who cares any longer. I am a gay black man who happens to be with a white guy… And no one cares! It strikes me that the writer may be the one harboring an issue.
Does he date white guys because he thinks it makes him interesting?
Is the writer the real culprit for seeing race before individuals?
Is he the one turning white men into his social commodity?
All these articles lambasting the community for fetishizing his blackness, could he be throwing stones from a glass house?
Just asking because my dating and sex life has been diverse. But you don’t catch this sort grief when your interest is in the individual and that person’s character. Yes, this guy was an ass hole. Tell him you are not interested and move on to the next.
AxelDC
Amen
drelocks15
WTF? Who are these people? This cannot be real.
bushwickfreddy
Seriously…I think we’re being played…
bushwickfreddy
I can’t with this article. I’m a Black gay man who has been out since I was 19–I’m now 49, and over the years, I have happily accepted ALL of the objectification anyone of any race has ever cared to dole out.
CastleSF
Thank you. It’s actually an interesting group.
Jon in Canada
My only response to these kinds of quandaries, regardless of who is whining/complaining etc. is this:
I did not fight all these years against society trying to police my sexuality, in any way, only to now have people in my own community try to police it instead.
Date whoever you want for whatever reason you want. To paraphrase liberated women everywhere: Your body, your choice.
That concludes our lesson for today.
DHT
I hope black guys don’t stop dating white guys and vice versa…they make the sweetest looking couples. Same can be said about any inter-racial relationship.
CastleSF
Why just white guys? What about the other racial groups? Black and Asian/Latino guys make cute couples too.
AxelDC
You cannot shame someone into attraction. Date whomever you like.
Attraction isn’t like housing or employment. There is no law saying you have to date anyone you don’t like. If you have a preference, it’s yours and no one else’s business.
Lots of people stick to their own race, religion, social class, etc. when dating. There is no shame in dating someone you turns you on.
If I could be shamed into dating someone, I would have married a woman like my parents wanted me to.
AndThenTheresMax
OK. These are arguments are so cute.
However as a dark-skinned mulatto (and for those of you in denial we do exist meaning I am half black/half white) it’s a trip dating pure black men. Seriously.
There is soooooooo much gay black drama I don’t get. I’ve tried to date black men but I don’t put up with, “Oh we can’t hold hands my mama might see.” Or “Oh I’m not down with anal.” (What black man doesn’t like anal sex?!) #facepalm
When I date any other race: Latino, Native American, Asian, Filipino or White (I put white men last on purpose because I don’t want any one misconstruing my comment as being pro white men) men it’s always lovely displays of affections, dinners out, movies, really hot sex and fun.
However with black men it’s nothing but drama, drama, drama, insert a A380 cargo hold of cultural baggage and bad sex. Or sex with conditions e.g. I don’t kiss, don’t touch my hair, I won’t blow you blah, blah, blah the list goes on.
So coming from a biracial gay man, ask me the question, “What if I only dated black men?!” My answer, do I have to?
I can just hear all the BLM freaks start commenting, “Oh this is white privilege that got to you.” Or “Well you ain’t down. You ain’t black enough.” Or “You haven’t met the right one.”
To all of you I say, “Oh yes I have met the right black man.” BUT. He got scared when he started to fall in love with me so he: ditched me on my birthday (to go hang with his boyz), became HIV+ the night he ditched me on my birthday, now lives at home with his mama, lost his job and lives on disability (when he is fully capable of working).
So I started dating anyone else other than black men and TADA no drama.
HMMM KAY GURL! I did my time! And I’m still waitin’ for this strong and together gay black man to sweep me off my feet. Cause child’ I’ll be still waitin’ and waitin’ and waitin’.
Kangol
“Pure black men”? Did you just pilot down from Mars? Unless you’re talking about dating sub-Saharan African guys, which I doubt, most African Americans have on average 24% European ancestry, because of slavery and forced racial intermixture. Also, many seemingly European people in the US have some racial intermixture. So what on earth are you talking about? Also, “mulatto” is a retrograde term. You’re mixed, biracial, etc. Also, you’re characterizing all black men based on your negative experiences, which is racist. But hey, you do you!
Aromaeus
Here is a thought, maybe stop dating DL black men and actually go out of your way to find out and proud ones?? I promise you there are a lot of us.
However this seems like one of those “as a black man I” kind of set ups white neckbeards do.
CastleSF
Well said Kangol. My earlier response was deleted but I do share your point of view.
darius415
I just want to start by debunking the myth of “REVERSE RACISM”. Words have meanings and by using a classic definition of racism from MLK Jr.; race + (systematic) power = RACISM. Black people in America do not have systemic power in businesses, politics, education or any other major platform within our society. Therefore, black people in America cannot be racist. We can be bigots, prejudice, and overall bad people that wrongfully judge others, but without the key element of power “REVERSE RACISM” is a myth. White people tell themselves this to try to muddy the waters of race issues that they promulgate.
phallictomato
It’s becoming such a politically correct world nowadays. If a white guy is only interested in white guys, instead of it just being his preference, he’s somehow classed as racist instead. If a black guy however, only dates black guys, it’s just because he likes black guys, but somehow this isn’t racist.
If a gay guy isn’t interested in another man, regardless of who they are or what they look like, they’re somehow discriminating, and is supposed to be available to date anyone and everyone, simply because if they don’t, they’re a discriminating gay guy.
This is the stupid PC world we live in. People are attracted to who they’re attracted to. There are plenty of YouTube videos showing people liking all kinds of people, and likewise, also only dating people their own skin colour. Just because they aren’t attracted to who everyone else is attracted to, doesn’t mean they’re racist or are being discriminatory.
I find it funny when people are like ‘oh but you have to be open to dating this person or that person, because they’re having a rough time finding someone to date’. Since when did you HAVE to date someone because they aren’t as lucky in finding someone? Jesus, this world has become so politically correct it’s absurd.
Now I’m a fat gay guy, and I’m sure we’d all want a ‘hot’ guy, but would I expect some adonis to find me attractive? HELL NO. Just because I find it difficult to find someone, why should I expect others to date me simply because I’m having a tough time? Just because I like certain races, somehow I’m racist? Please… we all have preferences and types, just like I’m sure not all black guys want to date white guys. People need to get over themselves and stop expecting the world to date them simply because they’re having a rough time finding someone.
DCguy
Except that wasn’t what this post was about. But thanks for pasting your pre-written “Anti-PC” rant.
Aromaeus
This entire piece is a mess from top to bottom. Fact of the matter is that if you as a black man are only dating white men and aren’t interested in members of your own race then you have an internalized racism problem. Facts. I mean think about it for a second, you are a black man but aren’t attracted to black men which means on some level you don’t think you are attractive.
Secondly let’s stop with this reverse racism BS. Clearly they need to start making sociology classes and emphasize reading comprehension. Racism, actual institutionalized racism requires privilege and institutional power which black people in this country and most countries DO NOT HAVE. Black people can’t be racist against other black people since institutionally we are all on the same level in our oppression.
Now as to the actual part about your white guy schooling you, he’s being a white savior and trying to whitesplain racism to you when he’s clearly a fetishist. He’s right about your having issues with black men and clearly some issues within yourself but he’s coming from a completely different direction with that.
Lastly I am so sick and tired of you snow queens trying to justify your self-hate. If you want to date white men and suck on white c*ck have at it. However we live in a society that upholds white supremacy and european beauty standards so just accept that you will always be on the bottom of the totem pole to them. If you can accept that by all means keep on trucking sir.
Kangol
Preach, chile!
CastleSF
Sir, your viewpoint borders on exclusivity. What about those non-white guys who want to date black men? It appears that you are advocating a mandate that black guys should date other black guys as their first choice. That’s discrimination too.
Cylest Brooks
@CastleSF, I read Aromaeus’ comments a couple of times and I see nothing that suggests a mandate on intra-race dating as a first choice.
Suggesting that internalized self-hate might be a factor in why a black person might refuse to date other black people is not even CLOSE to creating a “mandate” on black dating behavior.
Aromaeus
@CastleSF Black people choosing to keep to ourselves after continually enduring anti-blackness and racial microaggressions FROM EVERYONE including non-black people of color is not discrimination it’s self-preservation. Also nowhere did I say if you are black you HAVE TO date black men but I do believe that if you are a black person who finds themselves somehow not attracted to members of your own race then there is some serious self-reflection you have to do about why that is. Attraction isn’t born in a damn vacuum. You can look through history and see what the face of beauty was and how it’s changed. Outside of sexual orientation what actually attracts us to people is largely based on society, culture and what different forms of media present to us as ideal. As of now that isn’t minorities, especially not black people.
BeastDong
It took me 5 secs in this article before immediately realising that this is the same guy ALWAYS complaining about BBC fetishing. Back then people called me out for being self racist and backwards but now it’s undeniable. We can clearly see a victim hood pattern developing here.
As a black man that has racial play and is fortunate enough to fill up the bbc stereotype… I am sure the black writer writing these articles is a really good looking black guy unfortunately with a small penis or some really queenny attitude. White guys must approach him all the time but then end up being completely turn off. Just look at this guy in the bar. He was probably into hyper dominant black guys. He never would has asked these questions out loud to a black man if he knew he was about to being put back in check. That was literally him asking unnconsiously “why are you black but black”
Unfortunately the writer doesn’t know that it’s because he doesn’t match at all to the BBC stereotype. Of course it’s far easier to blame other people and hide on Queerty than deal and accept why you have being rejected.
dean3000
Well that was a difficult read. The reverse racism comment and a general feeling that he is some who is lacking focus and direction.
Once he finds himself he will realise that character is more important than skin colour. The person who supports and encourages you with unconditional love is who you should cherish.
And in a cosmopolitan city with people from many backgrounds I’d question why I’ve only dated one of person if I was him. Maybe he needs therapy to unlock some deep seated problem.
Either way he should definitely consider continuing his education and question8ng his motivation before it’s too late.
alanballs
100% agree with you dean3000!
Dymension
I say date whoever you want. It’s nobody’s business.