In this installment of the Slate-sponsored “Dear Prudence,” a “Disturbed Daughter” asks for advice on what to do about her father, who seems to have just started a relationship with an old army buddy. Prudence suggests either a. ignoring the problem or b. having a heart-to-heart with dear old dad, reassure him he’s still the tops and be happy he’s so
This, we think, would be a disastrous, embarrassingly sappy route. Thus, we offer our own advice, after the jump.
Dear Disturbed Daughter,
Girl, you think your daddy’s just knocking boots with “uncle” Bill. Shoot, you must be blind. These things don’t spring up over night. Chances are pops and Billy boy have been lifting shirts for decades. They may have even started during the war, before you were born, you young thing, you. By that logic, your father and mother’s marriage can only be called a lie, lie, lie! Sure, daddy may have loved mama, but he may not have loved her eager beaver, if you know what we mean.
While your bubble’s now been burst, it’s time to pick up the pieces – and time to get your father some new pieces. After all those years living a lie, your father no doubt missed out on many a sex toy driven orgy. So, here’s what you do: go to the kinky mart, grab some vibrators, lube, cock rings, maybe a blow up doll, poppers – lots of poppers – handcuffs, one of those two-headed dildos and condoms. Then, round up some gays – they’re always looking for sex, so it shouldn’t be a problem – and then head over to your father’s house.
After hiding the homos in the hedges, walk up to the front door, knock, wait patiently and when your father answers, scream, “Surprise! I know you’re gay!” Before he can react, usher the gays in, throw the bag of newly purchased sex toys (sans price tags, of course) and tell the boys to have a ball.
Your one true love,