In this installment of the Slate-sponsored “Dear Prudence,” a “Disturbed Daughter” asks for advice on what to do about her father, who seems to have just started a relationship with an old army buddy. Prudence suggests either a. ignoring the problem or b. having a heart-to-heart with dear old dad, reassure him he’s still the tops and be happy he’s so gay happy.
This, we think, would be a disastrous, embarrassingly sappy route. Thus, we offer our own advice, after the jump.
Dear Disturbed Daughter,
Girl, you think your daddy’s just knocking boots with “uncle” Bill. Shoot, you must be blind. These things don’t spring up over night. Chances are pops and Billy boy have been lifting shirts for decades. They may have even started during the war, before you were born, you young thing, you. By that logic, your father and mother’s marriage can only be called a lie, lie, lie! Sure, daddy may have loved mama, but he may not have loved her eager beaver, if you know what we mean.
While your bubble’s now been burst, it’s time to pick up the pieces – and time to get your father some new pieces. After all those years living a lie, your father no doubt missed out on many a sex toy driven orgy. So, here’s what you do: go to the kinky mart, grab some vibrators, lube, cock rings, maybe a blow up doll, poppers – lots of poppers – handcuffs, one of those two-headed dildos and condoms. Then, round up some gays – they’re always looking for sex, so it shouldn’t be a problem – and then head over to your father’s house.
After hiding the homos in the hedges, walk up to the front door, knock, wait patiently and when your father answers, scream, “Surprise! I know you’re gay!” Before he can react, usher the gays in, throw the bag of newly purchased sex toys (sans price tags, of course) and tell the boys to have a ball.
How about we take this to the next level?
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leomoore
Chances are, Daddy and Uncle Bill stemmed the rose (what does that mean anyway) a long time ago. Daughter needs to keep her mouth shut with her siblings and invite Uncle Bill to lunch. Let him break the ice with Daddy. I think if my ex-lover’s 13 y.o. daughter had approached me and let me talk to her dad first, everyone might have been saved a great deal of angst. As it was, he got a little terrified when she broached the subject with him. I don’t think it lead to our breakup as much as his insistence on sending his children to live with various relatives. I thought that was an appalling solution.
WWH
So funny!
Vinman
Stem the Rose = what is pink and sometimes called a “rosebud”(your asshole, for the clueless). You take your “stem”(your cock) and try and put it on(in) someone else’s rosebud. And next thing you know the sweet smell of flowers surrounds you(depending on your partners douche, it may just be vinegar)
petey1427
You’re an ass. I’m a gay man with a gay father who I love to death, but who also shattered my mother’s life after fifteen years of marriage with his revelation after their divorce when I was ten. My family is long past this part of our lives now very close but damn you for making fun of an issue that effects so many children and is only a result of an previously much more unaccepting and bigoted society I cannot even imagine having to have grown up in.
leomoore
Pete, I can appreciate your sensitivity to this, but I think each situation is unique. In this case, daughter is obviously an adult and Daddy is older. Mom is dead and might never have known or there might not have been anything to know during the marriage. In that context, it was sort of funny. I say that as an out gay man who came out to his wife many years ago. We recovered and our children have done well. Like your family we are all extraordinarily close. A sense of humour was invaluable in resolving the enormous emotional hurts suffered by all.
Mr. B
Leo has a point–each situation is unique. I’ll probably rattle a few ribcages by saying this, but not every queer person who has ever been married to an opposite-sex partner was living a lie or trying to save themselves from homosexuality. Heck, some queers who enter straight marriages don’t even know they’re queer until after the fact. Others do know but are happy with the decisions they make. We don’t know how Daddy felt about his wife, or the history of his and Bill’s relationship. It kind of sucks when we project our own experiences onto total strangers and then judge them for it, whether we’re the spouses/children/friends of closet cases who’ve cheated, the people they cheated with, or (especially) none of the above.