It’s 2017 and Abby’s still got it.
The advice column, conceived of in 1956 by by Pauline Phillips under the pen name “Abigail Van Buren,” is now carried out by Pauline’s daughter, Jeanne.
And Jeanne has been dishing out some quality advice to LGBTQ folks dealing with homophobes, and vice versa.
But here’s a recent edition that offers an ethical twist — a woman who was once in a serious same-sex relationship has been contacted, all these years later, by the woman’s adult children. They want to know what the deal was between their mother and this woman, who calls herself “Ancient History in Arizona.”
How about we take this to the next level?
Our newsletter is like a refreshing cocktail (or mocktail) of LGBTQ+ entertainment and pop culture, served up with a side of eye-candy.
Here’s her conundrum:
Dear Abby,
When I was a young, newly divorced, single mother, I returned to college. There I met a woman in similar circumstances. We became fast friends, decided to pool our resources while we pursued higher education and moved in together.
Over time, the friendship became more than platonic.
This was my first experience with same-sex relationships, and I loved her deeply. We had six years together, but ultimately it didn’t work out and we moved on. I have been in a committed marriage all these years since.
Recently, her now-grown sons called me to “catch up.” During the course of the conversation, they asked me if their mother and I had had an intimate relationship. I didn’t know what to say. My ex became very religious after our split and has never openly acknowledged (that I know of) the nature of our relationship.
It’s certainly not my story to tell, but I didn’t know how to respond to her sons without telling a blatant lie or giving an answer that would verify their suspicions. So I faked losing the phone connection to keep from answering. What should I do the next time they call?
Abby, ever the realist, offered up this succinct response:
Do not “out” her to her sons. The next time they call, if that question is asked again, handle it with a laugh and say they should take their questions about their mother’s sex life directly to her. Period!
Is this the right move?
DarkZephyr
Seems like dang good advice to me!
ErikO
She should have just told the sons how she and their mom are bisexual instead of staying closeted.
Jack Meoff
She should have berated them for going behind their mothers back and delving into something that is quite frankly none of their business.
DCguy
Spoken like a supporter of the closet, wanting to make anything related to an LGBT relationship shameful.
If they called some guy the mother had lived with for 6 years would you react with such horror to the same question?
Jack Meoff
DC I am for from a supporter of the closet in fact quite the opposite. I hardly reacting with horror I just think it is disrespectful of their mothers privacy and yes I would have the same attitude if it was a man the mother had lived with.
I would never consider delving into my parents past regarding issues they had not felt comfortable discussing with me themselves. If I want to know something I ask them but if they don’t wish to discuss it I respect that.
My attitude has nothing to do with any political ideal or agenda and everything to do with family.
JaBourg
I don’t agree with her advice. After all, if it had been a straight couple, neither of them would have hid thing when they were involved. Nor would they be expected to deny it years later.
Openyoureyesshelby
First of all, your comment about if they were straight or not, does not mean a parent will tell their child about their wild days. There are somethings a parent will never tell their child. And this lady wasn’t hiding anything from them. It is NOT this kids business and was wrong and completely disrespectful to both her and his mother. A child of any age should always ask their parent instead of going behind their back to learn some “suspicions” that may or may not have occured. If the other woman wanted her son’s to know that she was even bisexual for some years, that’s her palce. As for reading that this mother had become super religious, there is no need to “out” anyone in lieu of their reputation being dragged through the mud. I think Abby made her answer very clear….as for you, put yourself ont his woman’s shoes…how would u feel if you had someone call you and ask that kind of information?
No one is ever fully prepared to learn the truth about any situation.
ErikO
Exactly.
DCguy
“Their Wild Days”?
They were in a 6 year apparently loving relationship and lived together. Just for self examination, are you calling it “The wild days” because it happens to not be a straight relationship? and would you call a straight relationship where they lived together monogamously for 6 years “wild”?
PRINCE OF SNARKNESS aka DIVKID
With respect, that’s a very odd and extremely personal enquiry to request of a complete stranger, one I shan’t dignify with a response.
PS if your dear mother is interested I still have a box of her old kd lang CDs and sundry rubber items she might like to collect.
Sincerely yours,
Butchie McSlingfister (Mrs)
Chris
To me, the issue is a bit more complicated. Is mom being hypocritical and judgmental to a child who’s gay, bi, or questioning? Is she showing dementia and saying stuff, such as revealing this past affair, that is out of character and/or borders on fantastical? Did she die and leave letters? …. Adult children do have a right to learn about their parents for reasons that range from (a) dealing with their own internalized homophobia and/or other unresolved psychological issues to (b) discovering stuff that has medical implications. … It’s trite and easy to say that something is none of the children’s business, but all-to-often that thing impinges on their lives.
kevininbuffalo
All too often people can’t mind their own god dam business.
stevetalbert
She should have asked them why do they want to know, what do they mean by intimate, and why are they calling her? Then decide what to say.
DCguy
She lived with the woman for 6 years, the grown kids knew and remembered the woman enough to call her to catch up. Those of you freaking out and attacking the kids for not minding their own business seem to either be anti-lgbt trolls or have some huge shame issues about non-hetero relationships.
The kids asked, Abby gave the woman a possible answer, end of story. But you all acting like the kids called up and asked the woman if she likes to be peed on or if she ever did fisting porn really need to examine your own attitudes about lgbt relationships.
petej
good discussion!
Dot Beech
Of course the advice given was good advice. And it need not have anything to do with closets.
The sons should take up the matter with their mother. There is obviously some significant problem or problems between the mother and sons, or they wouldn’t be sneaking behind her back to find out this information. It is in the best interest of the woman writing this inquiry to stay the hell out of what is likely to be a very unpleasant situation. And if it is not already unpleasant, it is sure to become unpleasant if she outs her ex to the ex’s sons. Who needs it?
They ended their relationship years ago. If they are going to rekindle that relationship, this would be a piss poor way to do it.