Dear Rachael Ray’s Mother

Dear Rachael Ray’s Mother,

rachael_ray_1.jpgHello there. We here at Queerty are big fans of the Food Network–as are gays everywhere, of course–and we can’t help but adore your daughter Rachael. That plucky, cherubic sparkplug has such an infectious energy and sassy wit, watching her make her tasty yet thrifty delectibles on 30 Minute Meals is always loads of fun. We watched the recent Mother’s Day episode, where you made an appearance–those lemon curd tarts with fresh berries looked scrumptious!–and we were surprised by your even-keeled demeanor. Your meticulous preparation of the food contrasted noticeably to how Rachael literally throws everything onto her plates. Perhaps she learned how to cook from her father.


We have a kind request: Your daughter has a habit of flailing her hands wildly through the air when she talks. Italians, yes, they do talk with their hands. Sometimes Rachael gets so worked up about an especially tasty salad or hearty stew, it’s like watching modern dance, with the waving arms and the head rolls and the bouncing all over the studio. If Twyla Tharp were to walk onto the set holding a platter of ciabattas, we wouldn’t bat an eye.

When you were on the show with her, she was especially manic, apparently excited to have you there. Very cute. But if you could do us all a favor, the next time you’re there, please take the knives out of Rachael’s hands when she’s talking. We’re terrified that she’s going to make an errant hand gesture and stab herself. Her show is becoming incredibly stressful to watch, the way we worry for her safety.

Thanks in advance. We appreciate your help.