spa day

This “degrading” sex act might actually be enjoyed by people with a higher self-esteem

two men in bed
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What is there to say about someone releasing an orgasm on another person’s face? Besides that it’s freaking awesome (when done with consent), and that a gay man will probably be the first to admit it. Guilty!

The act of “facials” might be labeled degrading in the mainstream, but these are the same folks who used to consider oral sex taboo. Ask any of your parents; someone has to start the trends.

It’s dubbed the “money shot” in porn for a reason, so maybe it’s about time society stops feigning disgust. There’s actually evidence that suggests people who enjoy giving or receiving “facials” have higher self-esteem. So if someone says your skin is glowing with confidence, you can go ahead and point them to the nearest human-spa that is Grindr

Related: 21 top tweets about ‘top privilege’

Dr. Megan Maas revealed on Dr. Justin Lehmiller’s “Sex and Psychology” podcast that a study found men who performed “facials” had higher sexual esteem (regardless of sexuality), and women who received “facials’ had higher sexual esteem. (But we can assume gay men like getting them, too, cuz feminism!) 

Dr. Justin Lehmiller tells Queerty that he hypothesizes that being sexually self-confident makes you more likely to explore or eroticize activities typically considered degrading because you can do so without it affecting your self-worth. In other words, you’re confident enough to put yourself in a position of vulnerability. 

Actor Chris Salvatore knows all too well what it’s like to find empowerment in going against the labels of a boring status quo; even Hollywood can be conservative. “Since starting my OnlyFans almost two years ago, I have found a new sense of myself and my self-worth,” he says. “So often, sexual acts like facials are seen as demoralizing or pornographic when I have discovered that they can have a whole different meaning once you rid yourself of the sexual shame we, as queer people, are constantly told to feel. When I have the pleasure of giving or receiving a facial, I personally feel a great sense of intimacy. This feeling of surrendering to one another is not only a physical turn-on but an emotional one as well.”

The hetero community often portrays people who engage in frowned-upon sex acts as partners you can’t take home to Mom. But Dr. Lehmiller adds that it’s also possible that engaging in sexual activities that require more vulnerability increases intimacy (who says romance is dead!). So if you’re abstaining, you might find the answer to why you haven’t found the love of your life on your clean face. 

“​​I love receiving facials for a few reasons. First, you get to see the expression on your partner’s face while he orgasms,” says Zachary Zane, author of Boyslut: A Memoir and Manifesto, “I love seeing my partner writhe in pleasure, and you don’t get to see that if he cums in you while in doggy style or countless other positions.”

Although ejaculation and orgasm aren’t the end-all-be-all of sex, Zane feels like it’s a reward. He thinks you can’t help but feel a sense of accomplishment when someone shoots on your face. 

Sex columnist and author Alexander Cheves says he’s not a fan of facials but loves fisting. “It’s real. It’s beautiful. I don’t know how the general public views fisting other than as something dangerous and extreme. And they’re not wrong: fisting can be dangerous and extreme, depending on how you fist. Fisting can be degrading, but it can also be tender, romantic, playful, and quite gentle.”

Related: Straight man receives oral sex from another guy, enjoys it, wonders if he’s now gay

I wonder if a lifetime of being labeled wrong has encouraged gay men to find the ‘right’ in sex before anybody else.  My ex-boyfriends might have plenty of complaints about me but never a lack of imagination in the bedroom.

But you don’t need to be public sex beacons of the queer community to talk about facials without blushing. So I went where I always go when I have hard-hitting journalism questions and texted my besties: “Do you like when men ejaculate on your face?” 

“Love it! It’s my favorite place for them to leave it,” replied Kris, a gay fashion stylist. 

“I hate it,” replied Nora, a bisexual resident doctor. 

“No because then I gotta deal w/ it. Do u?” replied Sergei, a gay music producer.  

“Mouth,” replied Frederick, a gay fashion designer. 

“No, not particularly. But occasionally is fun time,” replied Teralyn, a straight model. 

I appreciated not only their authenticity and knowledge of their sexual satisfaction but that not one person asked me why. Seriously, it’s delightful. This is the kind of world we should all get to live in, where there is no judgment or shame. Everything sex encompasses was meant to be indulged in, celebrated, and then talked about with your friends. 

People who are sexually liberated and open-minded appear already to have a healthy relationship with themselves and positive views. High self-esteem is less about whether you like facials and more about not letting society dictate your happiness or pleasure. Enjoy what you like.

Participating in facials might not guarantee you’ll be the most confident person in a room, but finding joy in acts given a negative association means that you create your own rules. And isn’t that kind of individuality on the agenda of queerness? That, and as a trisexual Samantha would say, always being willing to try anything once. Gold star gays not included. 

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