FAITH-OFF

Did God Tell Michele Bachmann To Stop Fighting The Gays?

bachmann_rectWhen Michele Bachmann introduced an anti-marriage equality bill in the Minnesota legislature, she did it because the Lord told her she, like, totally should.

“I took a walk and I just went to prayer and I said Lord, what would you have me do in the Minnesota state senate? And just through prayer I knew that I was to introduce the marriage amendment in Minnesota.”

Her amendment failed, but the Lord works in mysterious ways. Or something.

At the Values Voters Summit in Washington, D.C. on Friday, the Bachs reportedly said gay marriage is “not an issue” the Republican party should be focused on. She went on to tell a reporter on Sirius XM Radio, “In fact, it’s boring.”

So we can only imagine the chat that Michelle may have had with the man upstairs that lead her to minimize the antigay marriage moral crusade. She is, after all, a high-ranking Colonel for Christ.

God: Look, Michele, this isn’t working out.

Michele: Are you breaking up with me?

God: Don’t be so dramatic. Just lay off the anti-gay stuff, it’s boring. *finger snap* **disappears in cloud of smoke**

When asked to clear up her remarks, she told conservative site World News Daily:

“What I said is that this won’t be the issue that drives the 2014 election. I told the reporter it’s getting boring having them only press this issue with Republicans while ignoring Democrats.”

The translation of which would read: “While I may not have fully accepted that I’m squarely on the wrong side of history, I know a sinking ship when I see one so perhaps it’s best to scurry like a rat to the nearest land mass.”

Pressed for comment about Michele’s statement, the American Family Association’s Bryan Fisher showed his dedication to going down with the ship:

“Unfortunately, there are people in the conservative movement who have sort of given up. There are even evangelical leaders sending signals that the battle is over, that the battle is lost. ‘We’ll never be able to capture the millennials. They’re gone.’ I think it’s way premature for that. You know, when the homosexual lobby was 0 and 31 [having lost at the ballot in 31 states on marriage], the gay lobby didn’t quit. They didn’t give up. They didn’t do it. They didn’t give up, and neither are we.”

Jesus must be sending mixed signals.