Did The Anti-Gay U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops Just Endorse Polygamy?

The U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops had their 2011 fall general assembly this morning to discuss the worldwide problem of hunger poverty child rape marriage equality. And to help other Catholics understand the issue, they started, a website that assumes children are the goal and obligation of every married couple, that LGBTs should not be granted civil unions or domestic partnerships and that gay Catholics should consider ex-gay therapy (we know of some lovely ones in Ecuador). They also say that gay sex is “harmful and always wrong” because LGBTs cannot truly give one another over to the others in mind, body and soul (or something).

But strangely, the website also makes an inadvertent case for polygamy.

In discussing why “Why can’t marriage be ‘redefined’ to include two men or two women”, the website says:

“marriage” reflects a deep reality – the reality of the unique, fruitful, lifelong union that is only possible between a man and a woman. Just as oxygen and hydrogen are essential to water, sexual difference is essential to marriage. The attempt to “redefine” marriage to include two persons of the same sex denies the reality of what marriage is. It is as impossible as trying to ‘redefine’ water to include oxygen and nitrogen.

Whoever wrote the website is correct in one sense: oxygen and nitrogen create nitric oxide which is partially responsible for acid rain, greenhouse gases, the depleting ozone layer, and even possibly a form of hemorrhoid-causing diarrhea—no one wants that, no matter what you call it.

But water is not simply the union of a hydrogen atom with an oxygen atom—it’s two hydrogen atoms with an oxygen atom; basically the Catholic chemical equivalent of a woman married to two husbands—does that mean that the Lord Thy God supports Big Love and promiscuous atoms that repeatedly form and break bonds with other heartbroken atoms? Oh no!!

Won’t somebody think of the young impressionable quarks? Damn those immoral covalent bonds!

If you’ll remember, the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops were the folks that hired Dan Avila, the recently disgraced columnist who said that Satan turns unborn babies gay.

Luckily most American Catholics don’t buy the Church’s anti-gay schtick.