Did The Anti-Gay U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops Just Endorse Polygamy?

The U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops had their 2011 fall general assembly this morning to discuss the worldwide problem of hunger poverty child rape marriage equality. And to help other Catholics understand the issue, they started, a website that assumes children are the goal and obligation of every married couple, that LGBTs should not be granted civil unions or domestic partnerships and that gay Catholics should consider ex-gay therapy (we know of some lovely ones in Ecuador). They also say that gay sex is “harmful and always wrong” because LGBTs cannot truly give one another over to the others in mind, body and soul (or something).

But strangely, the website also makes an inadvertent case for polygamy.

In discussing why “Why can’t marriage be ‘redefined’ to include two men or two women”, the website says:

“marriage” reflects a deep reality – the reality of the unique, fruitful, lifelong union that is only possible between a man and a woman. Just as oxygen and hydrogen are essential to water, sexual difference is essential to marriage. The attempt to “redefine” marriage to include two persons of the same sex denies the reality of what marriage is. It is as impossible as trying to ‘redefine’ water to include oxygen and nitrogen.

Whoever wrote the website is correct in one sense: oxygen and nitrogen create nitric oxide which is partially responsible for acid rain, greenhouse gases, the depleting ozone layer, and even possibly a form of hemorrhoid-causing diarrhea—no one wants that, no matter what you call it.

But water is not simply the union of a hydrogen atom with an oxygen atom—it’s two hydrogen atoms with an oxygen atom; basically the Catholic chemical equivalent of a woman married to two husbands—does that mean that the Lord Thy God supports Big Love and promiscuous atoms that repeatedly form and break bonds with other heartbroken atoms? Oh no!!

Won’t somebody think of the young impressionable quarks? Damn those immoral covalent bonds!

If you’ll remember, the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops were the folks that hired Dan Avila, the recently disgraced columnist who said that Satan turns unborn babies gay.

Luckily most American Catholics don’t buy the Church’s anti-gay schtick.

Get Queerty Daily

Subscribe to Queerty for a daily dose of #u.s.conferenceofcatholicbishops#politics #gayagenda #random stories and more


  • the other Greg

    “But water is not simply the union of a hydrogen molecule with an oxygen molecule—it’s two hydrogen molecules with an oxygen molecule…”

    Nope, it’s the union of two hydrogen atoms with an oxygen atom to form a molecule.

    Typing too fast? Hung over? Graduate of a Christian school? :)

  • Brad

    Water is essential to life on this planet. Marriage is not. What, pray tell, is the correlation?

  • the other Greg

    @Daniel Villarreal: heh – Thanks for the quick correction.

    I guess this makes hydrogen peroxide (H2O2) one of those real wild marriages.

  • NormalAdjacent

    And when oxygen atoms aren’t bonded in water (H2O), it’s not single oxygen atoms. It’s O2. Two oxygen atoms bonded together. Does this mean being with another guy is ok as long as you marry two women later? Or maybe this is an explanation why the catholic church looks the other way when priests molest little boys and ship the priests off to a new town to start up again.

  • ryanthehulk

    Hydrogen, Oxygen, and Nitrogen are all diatomic, meaning they can bond to each other (H2, N2, O2(that thing we breathe)) So two of the same atoms can be bonded in one molecule? So are they in favor of gay marriage now? ANALOGY FAIL!

  • Desdemona

    This whole idea that only hetero sex can be loving and meaningful is such B.S. So, all of the prostitutes of the world that just have sex for money and no love or intimate connection whatsoever are morally higher than two gay people who truly love each other? Anti-gay people will of course doubt that two gay people really can love eachother, and that’s when they’re argument fails because love cannot be denied in the end.

  • Chad

    So why are christians refering to a chemical compound, I thought they rejected science because it goes against their belief gOD created everything….

  • andreusz

    @Brad: Christians love making spurious analogies: ‘Just as there are four directions, so there are four evangelists’ — thus spake some early Church father.

  • Phil

    “The attempt to “redefine” marriage to include two persons of the same sex denies the reality of what marriage is.”

    Um, except, they’ve sort of already redefined marriage. I mean, polygamy has been historically supported in the Bible. So they’re making a case for it by making a case against redefining marriage. (I totally support nonexploitive polygamy. Exploitative polygamy I can’t bring myself to support, but I still think that it should be legal. I mean, they’re adults. They willingly consent. Not much can be done.)

    Let’s look at marriage through the Bible though, shall we?

    Marriage is:

    Man + Woman (Nuclear Family)
    Man + Woman + His concubines (Because one bitch is never enough.)
    Man + Woman + Her slaves (Because one bitch is never enough.)
    Man + Woman + More women (Because one bitch is never enough.)
    Man + Woman + Man’s brother when man dies (Because fuck women, that’s why.)
    Rapist + Victim (Also money. Because you should be able to buy your women while you systematically oppress them. Also rape.)
    Male Soldier + Virgin Women Prisoner (Because rape and slavery aren’t enough individually. They need to be combined.)
    Male Slave + Female Slave (As prompted by owners. Because rape and slavery combined isn’t enough. Sadistic exploitation of others is needed too.)

    I’m sorry, why do we still listen to the Bible about marriage? It’s this ancient dumb thing that has horrible,outdated, sexist, monstrous ideas about what people should be like. (Hey, let’s go get a bunch of rocks and smash them against outspoken children. And, I dunno, build fences to keep our different cows apart?)

  • Bill S.

    The thing is, if you call both H20 and N20 “water” then ask for a case of “water” at the supermarket, you might end up with a liquid that could potentially kill you rather than one that will keep you alive. Presumably, the Catholic church is then afraid that if you call both opposite-sex and same-sex partnerships “marriage” you might accidentally wind up marrying someone of the same sex. The only thing stopping you from accidentally engaging in this sin is a county clerk with the legal ability to deny you a marriage license.

    Well I guess if you take the Catholic advice of abstinence until marriage, you might very well not see your partner’s genitals until you get married. :-/ So I guess this all does make perfect sense in Catholic-fundy world.

  • Riker

    Don’t forget, Nitrogen can ALSO bind with Hydrogen (I guess that makes them bisexuals?) to make ammonia, NH3.

    @Daniel Villarreal: Smart, sassy humor actually covering a news topic with a heaping tablespoon of snark? Queerty, this is exactly what you need to do more of.

  • xander

    @Phil : Yay you; you nailed that. Nice!
    @Riker and @the other Greg: [swoon] You remember your chemistry? A+. May I clone you?
    @Bishops of the world : You guys are losing it…..Seriously.

  • Riker

    @xander: I’d be happy to provide a DNA sample. Your place or mine?

Comments are closed.