american idol

Do Not Let Christopher Ciccone Take Over For Simon Cowell

Simon Cowell is a bitchy queen who likes talking crap about others. That doesn’t mean any bitchy queen who likes talking crap about others should replace him. Especially if his name is Christopher Ciccone.

Better known as Madonna’s gossiping brother, Christopher has been on a campaign to replace Cowell for months. Mostly, he’s been doing this via Facebook, where the group he started — Christopher Ciccone for American Idol! — has a whopping 604 members. And yet he’s still getting pick up in the press, telling Page Six, “I think I can bring a particular kind of credibility to the show. I’d be the only person sitting at the table who actually created a pop star from the beginning, and helped keep her there for 20 years. I know what it takes to make it.”

(As Madonna’s one-time assistant, Mr. Ciccone apparently believes he created The Material Girl. Cute, but delusional.)

What Cowell maintains in self-awareness (he knows people can’t stand him, and he revels in it), Ciccone absolutely lacks. That he believes he has “a particular kind of credibility” is actually an admission that he does not have any. Madonna’s brother has worn many hats; aside from her assistant, he’s been a stylist and a backup dancer, and now an author. None of them, however, have been positions of authority, or opportunities to brand him as a music insider.

That Americans aren’t terribly familiar with him shouldn’t be an impediment; nobody really knew who Randy Jackson was before he sat down in an Idol judge’s chair. But Ciccone’s bid is desperate, and appears to be merely a publicity stunt to promote … well, him.

We’re sure Ciccone would deliver catty commentary about contestants, fulfilling America’s stereotype of middle-aged gay white men. Some of his scripted lines could even be funny! But whereas Cowell impales Idol contestants to be honest, Ciccone would do it to be crass. We don’t want that. Kara Dioguardi already fulfills whatever necessary quotient of it there is.