Does MIllionaire Matchmaker Patti Stanger Have Anything To Apologize For?

Patti Stanger, the blunt star of Millionaire Matchmaker might have had so much Botox she can’t move her head, but that doesn’t stop her from spitting a little venom at the gays. On Sunday, she coiled up next to Andy Cohen on Bravo’s Watch What Happens Live, where she proceeded to explain how no one wants to date a “queen” and that “there is no curbing the gay man[‘s promiscuity].”

We’ve said both those things—and worse—over brunchtime mimosas with the boys, but we’re not sure Stanger is Kathy Griffin-level fag hag enough to make a statement like that on national TV.

Sensing the crowd was turning against her Stanger rushed to The Joy Behar Show, where she issued a hasty mea culpa—sort of.

At first Stanger seems to beg away from her comments, saying she was talking about how the whole town of L.A. is down on monogamy.  She then pulls the “I’ve done so much for gays” card. (Patti, getting your picture taken with “NoH8” scrawled on your cheek isn’t really advocacy work.)

Ultimately though she circles back to her original statement that gays are slutty hos.  “When we do the mixers, the guys are passing around the telephone numbers, they’re sleeping with each other, even after the millionaire gets the date he’s sleeping with the pool of people,” Stanger tells Behar. “[Gay men] get involved and then they find out later whether or not they want a serious relationship. And I hope they use the privilege in New York of gay marriage, because now they have it. And a lot of gays aren’t getting married, even though they have the privilege.”

Um, you’d think a relationship expert would know marriage isn’t a privilege, it’s a right.

At any rate, it’s hard to deny Stanger’s basic point that it’s harder to find a husband in the queer world because on the whole, the  gay-male community doesn’t put the same emphasis on monogamy and relationships. But her abrasive and dismissive tone certainly raised some hackles. Maybe Stanger should get out of matchmaking and into stand-up comedy?

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  • Cam

    Oh Please she knows nothing about gay men. In one episode she was asking one some VERY VERY basica questions that anybody who had ever hung out with gay men would know.

    The fact is, if Patti had said that all women were gold diggers and used sex to get a man. Or that all men saw women as only property etc… nobody would be asking if she was wrong to classify an entire group one way. The only reason that there is any question here is because gays are still a group that people can harass.

    Patti, supposedly an expert matchmaker is in her 50’s never been married, with a strong of failed relationships behind her. She supplies wannabe models and actresses to men who pay a high price. When se tried working in NYC, she couldn’t function putting together real people.

    She is just a reality show stooge.

  • mrbill

    My husband and I have been in a monogamous relationship for 7+ years can Patti say the same bet NOT!!!

  • Rolling Eyes

    There are several reasons it is harder for gay men to find a serious monogamous relationship . If we account for 10 percent of the population, then we will certainly find it harder to find a guy than our female friends do. If a chunk of that 10 percent is closeted or in denial, then our choices are again reduced. If some of those we do meet are, as with many men (gay or straight), more interested in sex than a relationship, then our chances are further reduced. And of the men that remain available to us, there is still the issue of finding the right match. Its a numbers game, nothing more than that.

  • mike

    Guess what i learned yesterday …. I get over 200 TV channels!!


  • SteveC

    Single Patti Stanger is about as qualified to offer marital and relationship advice as the pope.

  • QAF?

    I don’t understand why she thinks she put gay marriage on tv first. Michael and Ben did get married on Queer as Folk.

  • Katt

    I think this is a case of “you can’t talk about my people, but I can”. She was telling the truth. It may be an inconvenient truth, but none the less it is. Let’s not pretend that heterosexuals don’t have a 54% divorce rate. So even the people who have been doing for centuries aren’t interested or good at it. Gays are a bit worse. Let’s just be honest. We may be happy that we can get married, but a good number us aren’t interested or under the delusion that they are ready or marriage material. Speak on Ms. Stanger!

  • Nick

    She didn’t say anything gay men haven’t thought to themselves from time to time. But I wonder about her motives, was she worried the gays were dragging down her 99% success rate?

  • Ted B. (Charging Rhino)

    Sometimes I think that half of what she says on her show about dating, sex, and the “no sex”-rule is just cover-thy-ass legal-speak to avoid being charged as a pimp or high-priced procurer…whether it be boy-girl or boy-boy.

    I don’t understand how she’s considered “successful” when the lasting success relationship-ratio of her clients is practically nil.

  • mike

    @Katt: call me a thin-skinned Jew, but if someone is going to say Jewish men are liars, then I think the anti-Semitic bitch deserves to be fired.

  • Kieran

    How is this sarcastic, disrespectful, homophobic bimbo any different from that other sarcastic, disrespectful, homophobic bimbo, Chelsea Handler? Maybe Patti should bleach her hair.

  • christopher di spirito

    Patti Stanger finds herself in a similar position Bette Midler found herself a few years ago when she ventured into the gay marriage debate, saying she didn’t support marriage equality because (and I’m paraphrasing here), “gay men ‘get around’ so why should they marry?”

    Of course, Midler was wrong and an idiot, just as Stranger is wrong and an idiot.

  • Cam

    @Katt: said…

    “I think this is a case of “you can’t talk about my people, but I can”. She was telling the truth. It may be an inconvenient truth, but none the less it is. Let’s not pretend that heterosexuals don’t have a 54% divorce rate. So even the people who have been doing for centuries aren’t interested or good at it. Gays are a bit worse. Let’s just be honest. We may be happy that we can get married, but a good number us aren’t interested or under the delusion that they are ready or marriage material. Speak on Ms. Stanger!”

    Either you aren’t gay, or you are gay and you have internalized homophobia so much that it never, EVER occured to you that your “Beliefs” were wrong. If you read below, gays in marriages’s relationships last LONGER than straights.

  • christopher di spirito

    @Katt: You don’t know what the fuck you are talking about so please zip your cakehole.

    I have been in a committed, monogamous relationship for 18 years. Meanwhile, in that time most of our heterosexual friends have gotten divorced at at least once and in one case, three times. I’m sorry straight people have much difficulties with marriage and monogamy but the same can’t be said for gay men.

  • the crustybastard

    Why should I give a damn about the opinions of a whoremonger?

    She’s clearly not mentally healthy, and every time she opens her mouth she proves she doesn’t know anything about anything. It’s like getting mad at the crazy homeless guy who yells nasty things at you.

    It doesn’t matter. Move on.

    (I do wonder how anyone can become a millionaire while being dumb enough to be conned by such a dimwitted charlatan. Maybe they inherit.)

  • christopher di spirito

    Stanger is just another one of Andy Cohen’s stable of stupid-as-shit nitwits Bravo has elevated to celebrity.

  • Cam

    @christopher di spirito:

    Thank you for pointing out that these people are on the air because of gay Andy Cohen. One of the worst things to happen to TV in decades. He loses Project Runway and does nothing but continually put more and more “Real Housewives” shows on.

  • Michael

    Honey lay off the botox your fish lips look worse and worse by the minute.This women is a fucking idiot she reinforces stereotypes and its ridiculous.Join this century hon your archaic bs is idiotic and does not help our cause at all.

    I notice these people always claim they love the gay community big deal you do a portrait with a no h8 painted on your cheek.That does not necessarily mean they are for us though.Thats very naive gullible thinking if anyone believes that.

  • christopher di spirito

    It took Joan Rivers 77 years to look like a mummy. It took Patty Stanger just 40 years.

  • ewe

    Why would someone who looks like Guido the drag queen act so irresponsibly?

  • Nick

    @Cam: too true, get that guy off my television

  • Michael



  • Interesting

    She’as idiot, but gay orthodoxy is interesting to behold when people are called on it. Andy, who probably likes to go to Fire Island, knows she’s not completely lying, as do many here, if they are honest. Now, she’s an idiot because she takes what may be generally true, and applies it to every gay person she meets. The problem is that it does apply to a large number of us, as in probably the majority who buys into the what “gays must be…”orthodoxy

    Examples of gay orthodoxy: Men must have sex with multiple partners because they like sex. That one appears in the last thread on the subject of our views on sex. It doesn’t explain why one can not have a lot of sex with one person versus many, but we are supposed to accept the received wisdom as you.

    I had a friend who recently said to me something that is becoming more meaningful – the longer that you get away from the close, the more integrate gay becomes into your life in such a way that it hardly seems like it matter other than want to connect with someone. Outside of that, there really are no rules.

    But the truth is that this is not what is projected by the greater community.

  • Little Kiwi

    I like going to Fire Island. What does that have to do with anything?

    “That one appears in the last thread on the subject of our views on sex. It doesn’t explain why one can not have a lot of sex with one person versus many, but we are supposed to accept the received wisdom as you.”

    It’s actually utterly explained from a biological standpoint – males are biologically hardwired to “sow seeds” – it’s been in the makeup since time began. Women are more biologically hardwired to “nest”.

    Nobody has to accept any “received wisdom”, kid. You’re free to be monogamous. What I can’t understand is why you take issue with those who choose not to be. What does the arrangement between some couple have to do with you?

    nobody has to be anything. some can choose monogamy. some can choose an open-sexual arrangement. I can’t figure out why people are against committed-romantic and sexually-open relationships. if you don’t want to be in one then don’t be in one. it’s really that simple.

  • Robert in NYC

    She needs to take a closer look at the straight population, just as promiscuous, one in two marriages failing mostly as a result of adultery with one or more people outside the marriage, out of wedlock pregnancies soaring, you name it, they do it. What a hypocrite. She’s NO friend of the LGBT community if she’s painting us all with the same brush. There are hundreds of thousands of monogamous gay couples and singles out there, she’s just never taken the time and the trouble to find it, so I find her statement quite bigoted.

  • Jon

    There’s a reason why the LGBT community are seen as slutty, promiscuous whores who will get sex anyway they can, and are never satisfied even when they’re supposed to be in a monogamous relationship. The LGBT community itself doesn’t help that image and most members of the LGBT community help to fuel the image of gays being purely sexual beings and nothing else.

    It might be stereotyping on her part, but I don’t think she’s too far off the truth tbh.

  • Little Kiwi

    how come HOOTERS doesn’t make “straight people look like sex-obsessed voyeurs”?
    how come decades of legal heterosexual brothels in Vegas doesn’t make straights look promiscuous?
    how come having TV shows making celebrities out of women who’ve done heterosexual pornography doesn’t make straight people look like sex-obsessed whores?

    Simple – because if it’s straight it’s ok. anything gay = bad. you guys gotta wise up and realize that bigots have selective amnesia – all the “good tolerable” examples of LGBT people will be disregarded if they can find even ONE thing that caters to their prejudiced bigotries.

    i don’t give a fuck about what a bigot thinks about our community. we’re a male-male system; devoid of the more-common-in-females “nesting” approach to sex and sexuality.

    you show me an anti-gay bigot and i’ll show you someone with an unsatisfying sex life. for real. take a good look at the anti-gay bigots in America – these are people who are not getting oral sex and are not having orgasms. FOR REAL.

    we’ve just seen a room full of Republican Teahadists booing a gay man…not because he’s “promiscuous”, but because he’s gay. and serving his country. and they still booed him.

    learn to discern between excuses and reasons, people.

    i don’t care if someone thinks im a promiscuous slutty whore. i love my life, my life rocks, i’m freakin’ happy and if they were actually happy in theirs then they wouldn’t spend so much time hypothesizing about what it is they think i’m doing in my free time.

    men are biologically predisposed to a drive to “sow seeds” – this is biological. this is why lesbians tend to “nest”

    you’re all thinking it’s GAY, when it’s MALE.

    why should any of us apologize for our ability to get a blowjob when we want one? seriously. what’s the intellectualyl valid justification in being against it? because some straight bigots don’t like it? that’s their problem, not ours.

  • newcityspot

    @Kieran: You’re totally right about Chelsea Handler? What’s with these 2? It’s like they’re trying soooo hard to persuade the public that they’re not narrow minded nitwits, and try to convince themselves that what they say is true. Gosh, part of the coming out process is coming out to yourself, admitting that you’re gay, and that you’ve been denying it. They need to have their own coming out process except it would sound more like “I’m homophobic (and for Chelsea racist as well – I don’t know who she thinks she’s kidding) and I accept it.” Then they could make a decision with what the know is true about themselves. Stop denying it!

  • GGA

    I agree with her, majority of gays cheat or never commit to anyone, they are polygamous!!

    It’s about time the normal Gays changed that perception

  • xander

    Patiti Stanger has fallen into the logical abyss of thinking that all gay men are like the ones who seek her help OR who are self-loathing enough to hang with her.

    She’s like those annoying people who proudly say they can always ‘spot’ a gay guy : they miss the guys who don’t match their stereotypes: the gay nerds, bears, dads, baristas, docs, accountants and, uhh, priests.

  • the crustybastard


    You know this because you’re so intimately acquainted with the majority of gays who notify you of every scurrilous detail of their sex lives?

    Gosh. I’m really really super-duper mega impressed.

  • Cam

    @GGA: said..

    “I agree with her, majority of gays cheat or never commit to anyone, they are polygamous!!
    It’s about time the normal Gays changed that perception”

    It’s always funny when somebody who’s only experience with the community is their close circle purports to speak for the “Majority” of gays.

    Really? Do you know the majority of gays? Or are you basing your judgment on your circle of 5 to ten friends and your experiences at some circut party?

  • N00b

    @Little Kiwi: “this is why lesbians tend to ‘nest'”

    Lol, what?

    Men fuck more because they’ve created a system where it’s ok to fuck more. It’s societal, period. Very little (if any at all) has to do with biology. The difference between a man and a woman is the cluster of genes that create physical sets of organs, not what goes on in the brain. Many women are more promiscuous than many men. Men have just been good at chastising women for it (sluts, nymphos, whores, etc) while beating themselves on the chest and encouraging each other to do it/putting down guys with a lower libido. Libido doesn’t have to do with sex or gender or whatever.

    It could have been based on biology, but societal pressures have overridden those centuries ago. That’s why it’s not ok to rape, we are not open to obese people, etc. Women don’t just fuck for kids or money anymore, just like we don’t just use our mouths to eat and communicate anymore.

    It doesn’t hurt to learn a bit about women just because you’re gay. They’re still part of the community even if you’re not interested in putting your penis in their vagina.

  • lizcivious

    I hate to admit I watch Patti Stanker’s stupid show on occasion. She’s mostly loathsome, but I get a kick out of the way she can brutally put straight rich tools in their places. However, she’s way behind the times when it comes to feminism, dating, and fashion. She thinks all women should be submissive and dress in skintight leopard-print dresses and stilettos in order to reel in a man. She’s completely ignorant about gay people, especially gay men. I’ve cringed at some of the ridiculous things that have spewed out of that collagen-filled inner tube she calls a mouth. I don’t feel that she’s exactly homophobic;she’s just dumb, doesn’t know anything but stereotypes and is trying to hop on the gay bandwagon to make a buck. She asked the first gay client she had, “Are you a top or a bottom?” She’s never asked any of her hetero clients what sex positions they prefer. She went to the home of a gay client and was greeted at the door by a shepherd-mix canine. “That’s a big dog for a gay guy!” she exclaimed, I guess thinking the guy should have a tea-cup poodle with a bow in its hair. (This particular client is on another of Cohen’s shows and supposedly a friend of Stanger’s.) Instead of gathering prospective dates for her gay clients into her office for the once-over, she has them line up poolside at some hotel and has them take their shirts off, obviously playing into the idea of gay men only interested in buff bodies. She’s sickening and needs to learn some tact, although the lack of it seems to be her claim to fame. As for her being anti-semitic, Patti herself, is Jewish.

  • Interesting

    @Little Kiwi: There is a simple way to prove me wrong. Link to studies that are both valid and prove your point correct. The reason I call it received wisdom is because people repeat the statements that you may quite often, but I have not seen very much in the way of evidence outside of some generalized “men are this” and “women are this” constructions, but the true is a lot of that is gender norming by heteros that gays have adopted as far as I can tell because again there is no much data to back up the assertions.

  • velocifero

    So self-loathing gay men or conservative trolls (usually both) will point fingers and say how the gay men can’t be in a committed relationship because they themselves can somehow prove it or pull some BS statistic from their ass. The truth is, go to another hetero singles bar is Orange County, Hollywood, The Valley in LA where Ms. Stanger lives and you’ll see more hook-ups, one-night stands and lack of condom use then any Folsom street event. The white, nouveau riche Ms. Stanger is doing a lot of projection here because she knows heterosexual marriages end in more divorce. On another site, some idiot used Grindr as an example of how Ms. Stanger is right about us uncontrollable gay men. Are you kidding me? Every check out the plethora (look it up) of hetero dating and hook up sites? There are way more on line then for gay hook ups. Just ask Anthony Weiner. If anyone is to blame, it’s the ridiculous Andy Cohen and what he has turned Bravo into and why he continues to give this gross, disgusting woman a national platform. Maybe, just maybe he’ll get the message that he’s gone too far and this bitch needs to be kicked off the show. Isn’t she basically a pimp anyway? All she does is pimp out OC divorcee’s to so-called “millionaires”. And honey, money doesn’t buy you class nor give you instant talent to be on television.

  • Interesting

    @lizcivious: Well her view on gender are why I think of her as an idiot. It is not just women, but also straight men, who she tries to force to be a certain way in order to seek a relationship. Her real offense is gender, not gay or straight. The interesting part to me is how many people in the gay community buy into the gender norms that are pushed on us by culture rather than realizing we don’t have to be anything other than what we want to be. I remember when I first told some guy back in the 90s that I want to settle down and would like to get married- he looked at me like I was speaking in some alien language and said that “gay men don’t do that.”

  • Michael


    Now if only that would shut his big trap once and for all.I can only hope can’t say we because some kiss his ass here all the time.

  • Interesting

    @velocifero: It is funny how posters like you try to have it both ways. First you say that the image interesting true, then you ignore others along the thread who say the exact opposite of you who are actually saying its a good thing and then you use straights as a way to claim “see its not that bad.” it doesn’t matter what straights due sexuality because the point is about whether the wider straight culture pushes the idea that multiple sex partners should be the norm or not? The answer is clearly no. Indeed, I find the hetero norm just as problematic as the gay norm being pushed. Both are norms. That’s not hating on anyone. that’s being able to look at reality without falling back on lazy responses that say more abou tyour ability to look at what’s happening around.

  • Cele

    This is hysterical! I don’t watch the show, and I’m an effeminate gay man. But you know, all it is is that she’s just really blunt with her truth! Masculine gay guys nowadays don’t like the more effeminate gay men. It’s just a fact, I see it more often than masculine gay males that are comfortable around more effeminate gay males. But when she says it, it’s wrong? Don’t think so!

    And she’s right about monogamy and gay men. Sure you can think of gay male couples that are monogamous, but you can think of a ton more other gay males that like to “have fun”. But the same goes for straight and bi as well. It simply depends on what stage a person is at.

    It’s funny that she can think like a modern day effeminate-hating gay male and a stereotypical straight male. She’s good at that!

  • Chadboy

    I’m not a fan of Stanger’s but she is only saying what my friends and I have said for years about gay men. Sadly, she speaks the truth.

    It’s nice to see guys on here posting about their relationships of 9 years or 17 years, but the majority of gays she is directing her comments toward aren’t on queerty. They are are on Grindr, Manhunt, etc. The guys who are more likely to sit at home and post on blogs are not likely the players that she talks about. They are out playing.

  • Daez

    Some reason ya’ll can’t handle the reflection so you blame the mirror. Lets face it, what she said was 100% spot on for the vast majority of gay couples, and to all the “oh I’m monogamous for 7+ years” crowd, that is what you think. The human male (gay or straight) was NEVER designed to be monogamous. We were designed to sleep with as many partners as possible. The only reason we don’t is because of STIs.

  • Cam

    @N00b: said…

    “Men fuck more because they’ve created a system where it’s ok to fuck more. It’s societal, period. Very little (if any at all) has to do with biology. The difference between a man and a woman is the cluster of genes that create physical sets of organs, not what goes on in the brain.”

    That is an idiotic comment. Go ahead and google “Male/female brain chemistry differences” and you will get more hits than it is possible to paste here.

    Your comments are a sad attempt to repeat the tired, outdated and disproved feminist orthodoxy from the early 70’s…i.e. men and women are exactly the same and ONLY society is responsible for their differences.

    That theory was disproved multiple times in behavioral change studies. But, nice try.

  • N00b

    @Cam: I googled “brain differences that explain sex differences in libido” and found nothing. You don’t need to post more than can fit here, just post one study that proves that men are, in fact, more promiscuous than women because of their brain. Not based on some contrived interpretation of evolution, but actual facts. I’ll be waiting.

    “That theory was disproved multiple times in behavioral change studies.”

    And I bet they also concluded that differences between individuals (even of the same sex) are much more profound than differences between men and women. If you haven’t heard of women who dry their partners up you need to get out of gay bars and socialize with women once in a while.

    “However, whether men’s and women’s brain activity in sexual scenarios is a function of inherent brain differences — or whether they stem from life experiences — is a matter for further study of the human sex drive, he concludes.”

  • Interesting

    @N00b: The received wisdom of the gay community about why it thinks and does stuff is very powerful. The example of “men needing more sex” to justify why are cultural norms set up in the community is a great example of that. There is no data proving biological reasons for it other than people take it as true because its been passed down through cultures (which is the vast bulk of cultures around the world) that see women as weaker and lesser than men. The whole argument grows from sexism, but gay men take it on because it fits multiple sex culture that some want to justify as natural to men. So, in order to raltionalize a cultural norm that they can’t accept is a cultural norm because they think it makes them look like beings caught up in a cultural norm, they rationalize it with an argument that’s sexist. its interesting to watch, but its one of the reason that I say that while the woman making the comments here is an idiot- she’s not wrong about the cultural norm in this case. Now, she is an idiot overall because she says sexist things about all genders, and that’s her real problem, but she’s not wrong about the cultural norms of the gay community. The fact everyone has a ready made excuse to justify the norm should be a sign that the norm is not being made up out of thin air.

  • Little Kiwi

    @Noob, too bad you’re wrong.

    Not as in “i have a different opinion”, but as in you’re actually wrong. It has nothing to do with “libido” and everything to do withe biological hardwirings of emotions related to sexual activity, in our genders and sexes.

    you guys keep sayign “it’s a gay cultural norm” which makes you look like dunces, as the reality is it’s a male-male system, devoid of the emotional-“nesting” component that exists in many females.

    first we have “Interesting” who claims that only the gay community “elevates porn stars to celebrity status” – then ignores the fact that he can’t even list a specific example to back up his claim, all the while ignoring the factual reality that there are indeed numerous celebrities of the “straight world” who indeed became famous via appearing in Heterosexual Pornography.

    now we have more people who clearly haven’t the faintest idea about biological realities who insist that it’s all the fault of “the socialized gay community”

    you guys are going to be alone. for a long time. you’ve forged an identity on “what you’re not”, not what you are, and you’re not going to have much success in life if you’re living each day from an utterly un-empowered place of defensiveness.

    and again, I’m not sure why some of you get so butt-hurt about the fact that some couples choose to have a romantically-committed but sexually-open relationship.

    couples who are honest with each other about their sex-drives and appetites are more likely to succeed than those who are trying to do “what society wants”. you have to be true to yourselves.

    seriously. worry less about the couple who has an open sexual arrangement and worry more about the legions of Serial Monogamists whose sexual urges drive them to leave relationships on a regular basis. they’re not wired for monogamy, but they “want it”, and so they have…you know….a LOT of it. and that cycle will not end until they address why.

  • DensePeople

    It’s so cute when gay men resort to pulling the “because I’m a male” card, when our very orientation defies one of the biggest so-called natural rules of being male – the persistent desire for females.

  • DensePeople

    It’s so cute when gay men resort to pulling the “because I’m a male” card, when our very orientation defies one of the biggest so-called natural rules of being male – the persistent desire for females.


  • DensePeople

    It’s so cute when gay men resort to pulling the “because I’m a male” card, when our very orientation defies one of the biggest so-called natural rules of being male – the persistent desire for females.**

  • Jenna

    Yes, Patti Stanger is a millionaire matchmaker expert, also read our top millionaire dating sites to find millionaire successful men

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