Hi Jake,
I’m fairly new to the gay world, and still trying to figure out where I fit in. I spend a lot of time chatting on the apps, and everyone is always asking me if I’m a “top, bottom, or versatile.”
The embarrassing truth is, I don’t know. I haven’t had that many sexual experiences to figure it out, and some were totally awkward, so I don’t know if I should judge anything based on those.
The worst part is I feel a pressure to pick an identity. When I leave that blank in my profile, it’s the first question I get from potential hook-ups, and it’s been hard to dance around that issue. Even in my social groups, I don’t really know what to say when my friends make jokes.
How should I answer people when I’m cornered about my sexual preferences, and how do I even begin to know what I like?
Lost in the Sack
Dear Lost in the Sack,
Figuring out your sexual preferences is a journey we all go through, and the thing about a journey is that it’s constantly evolving rather than taking you “gayly forward” to a destination.
That said, you get to experiment however you want, and define yourself in whatever way feels comfortable to you. I encourage you to move forward in this exploration at a pace that feels right, without allowing yourself to feel pressured one way or another. And if you do feel pressured, don’t be afraid to vocalize it to your partner. A simple “let’s slow down” will suffice.
As for how to label yourself, it’s a shame that the gay world puts so much emphasis on identity when it comes to sexual position. If you box yourself in with your identity by picking a role you aren’t 100% sure about, you may feel like you have to “perform” in a way that doesn’t feel authentic to you. Instead, tell your partners that you’re “still figuring that out.” If you absolutely can’t resist the pressure to identify yourself in the apps, I’d say “vers” gives you the most flexibility of the three identities. With vers, you’re able to go with the flow and it gives you the freedom to say “yes” or “no” to whatever comes up in the moment.
Just like with gender identity and sexual orientation, you’re also allowed to change your mind at any time, as you learn more about yourself and what feels right to you. Just because you’re branded a “top” in one particular situation, doesn’t mean with a different partner you might want to bottom. Or maybe you’ll even enjoy both!
Take your time, find partners who will support you in your discovery about your preferences, and don’t be afraid to say “I don’t know” or “it depends.” Talking it out with a therapist is often helpful as well, or with a supportive friend. And remember, you can change your mind any time. Just like the Q at the end of LGBTQ, I might suggest we add “questioning” to the list of sexual preference roles. There are worse things to have to have to figure out in life, just be safe and have fun!
Jake Myers is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, and the Founder of LGBTQ Therapy Space, the first national online therapy platform for and by the LGBTQ community. He has a Masters in Clinical Psychology from Antioch University Los Angeles, with a specialization in LGBT Affirmative Psychotherapy.
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Donston
I don’t know if people need a therapist to suss out if they like to bottom or not. It’s not that serious. I mean, we all could use some therapy, but therapy isn’t gonna help you figure that one out. While most early sexual experiences tend to awkward. However, the obsession with who’s a “top” or “bottom” or “verse” is tired as hell and dated. And the way some people just freely ask that question to strangers who aren’t even showing interests in them is rather disturbing. That doesn’t even touch on the fact that there are homosexual males and guys who are overall homo-leaning in the romantic, sexual, affection, comfort, emotional investment, commitment spectrum that either never really get into anal stuff or who aren’t very sexual at all. People do need to stop being so damn basic.
Heywood Jablowme
I’d like to agree with you that the obsession is “tired as hell and dated,” but it seems to have started with Grindr and become reified by Grindr to the point of now being set in stone.
When guys met in person, a lot of info was communicated non-verbally (and I don’t mean just by groping, but okay that too). Guys whose past experiences were all top or all bottom were suddenly presented with an opportunity for something very different.
Donston
The Grindr/hookup app era has definitely changed things. Also, people can’t help trying to be in other people’s business. (The “are you a top or bottom or both” question has come from chicks I don’t know/barely know as much as it’s come from dudes). While there’s a lot people who think of themselves as “progressive” and understanding but still don’t really understand much of anything about anything and are obsessed with what categories folks are in. And of course, bottom shaming is also still a thing.
People need to stop assuming that being “out” or attaching to an identity tells you everything about people’s preferences, lifestyles and dimensions. And being “out” doesn’t mean that you have much experience with anal sex. It doesn’t even mean that you’re into anal sex.
lmdoane55
that’s the most intelligent answer to that question I’ve heard in a long time and you are so right that it’s tired and dated! Thank You!
Leo
For many str8 people it is just another way of asking that stupid old question, who is the husband and who is the wife.
Neoprene
Some could benefit from therapy. You might benefit from a good writing course. Might.
Hdtex
First world problems
Jon in Canada
Yes, because gays in other parts of the world can’t possibly relate to this….oh wait, yes they can. Seriously, do you have cognitive dysfunction or is just a learning disability? Grow up.
Joshooeerr
Actually, having lived for long periods in the UK/Europe, Asia and Australia/NZ, I can say that US gays are way more obsessed with and willing to be defined by the whole top/bottom binary. It’s really kinda weird.
Invader7
First of all I wouldn’t reveal my sexual positions to ANY strangers, especially breeders. I ain’t sleeping with no “straight” male and especially NO hetero female. I’d tell ’em to MYOB.. Or I’d ask them what sexual positions do they like ? Secondly, I’d tell Lost in the Sack to experiment, take YOUR time. Do NOT be pressured into being something you haven’t tried yet. You may be top,versatile, bottom . Or how about just sexual.. And leave it at that. That way you don’t confine yourself . Be fluid,be experimental..Be COMFORTABLE with YOUR sexuality and DON’T let anyone force /manipulate you into doing things you don’t want to do !!!!
ipsissimus_clay
In addition to all the great advice above: let’s not forget it’s also entirely fine to not be into buttstuff at all. It’s not just tops, bottoms and vers out there – sides are a thing.
barryaksarben
I was lucky and one of my first partners was a bit older and encouraged me to experiment with him and to openly vewrbalize things I wanted to try and those I ddint so we were always on the same page. We got a little wild but I found things I liked and a few I wouldnt do again so very enlightening. I luckily have had a very satisfying sex life with lots of diverse acts and tons of fun. Be open and try to find someone honest with you and open to new things
jockjack5
We don’t all need to be labeled so narrowly. I frequently have really hot encounters by frotting or mutual jack-offs and the “butt stuff” never even comes up.
zephyr69
When someone asks me if I’m a top or a bottom my reply has always been, Why, do you have bunk beds?
Gadfeal
You aren’t born a “top” or a “bottom”; they are learned behaviors that you like or not, or in between. However, in a Western society, where homosexuality is not “illegal”, I’ve noticed that there seems to be one top (exclusive) to nine bottoms (including, “versatiles”). When you are just starting out, my advice would be to NOT learn to be a “bottom” as you may become “addicted” to it. If you remain a “top”, your choices of mate would be multiplied through life.
I wish that I had never learned to “bottom”,
radiooutmike
Because you enjoy it too much?
Cam
Addicted to it….so you mean they like it? So you’re telling them to not to something they would love doing?
Seems like weird advice.
BigJohnSF
You can experiment with anal stimulation on your own to see if this appeals to you, prior to getting your butt played with by someone else. If you decide you like it, let potential partners know that you are not experienced but want to experiment. That’s bound to turn some people on a lot. Plus: topping is always the simpler default option. No cleaning out required, no sphincter stretching. Bottoming is a little more advanced than topping.
twomen4u
At 75, I came out at 40 and have enjoyed both positions. Primarily I am a top but will bottom on occasion with my husband. We have been together for almost 20 years and married for almost 4. So we know each other rather well and just go with the flow of the moment.
I noticed in Jake’s comments he advised to use “Q” for questioning as in LBGTQ. I must comment on LGBTQ as when I was growing up “Q” carried a very negative connotation. My husband also had that word used on him as he was growing up in the NE as I grew up in the South. So for us, and perhaps us only, we refuse to use the initial “Q” for anything as it brings back some very bad memories.
ShiningSex
THIS IS SUCH A STUPID ARTICLE. YOU KNOW WHAT YOU LIKE. THE SHOCK WOULD BE IF YOU WERE MORE VERSATILE THAN STRICTLY ONE OR THE OTHER.
IF YOU NEVER MASTURBATED AND TRIED STICKING SOMETHING UP YOU, YOU OBVIOUSLY HAVE NOT EXPERIENCE TOTAL PLEASURE.
A LOT OF STRAIGHT GUYS LIKE IT. MANY GET THEIR GIRLFRIENDS TO DO IT TO THEM. NOTHING WRONG OR GAY ABOUT THAT.
WHAT’S WRONG WITH BEING A BOTTOM? TOPS NEED THEM. LOL!!!
Troyfight
“….A LOT OF STRAIGHT GUYS LIKE IT. ” …..hell yeah.
Doug
This article is kind of ridiculous. All “Lost in the Sack” had to say to prospective partners was that he was “experimenting to find out what he liked right now.” No big deal, I think most guys would be perfectly fine with that.
SFMike
This is all the result of Grinder and other hookup apps turning cruising into a takeout menu where sex acts are just another commodity with no regard to any other concern of the other person’s personality or individual worth other than a sex object to get off with. Oral sex is hardly considered sex at all anymore and that’s really sad. I miss old fashioned bar and baths cruising where there was more interplay other than some lying texts without any visual cues to go on. Sadly when at what remains of gay bars the patrons are usually glued to their phones looking for something better than what they see around them dehumanizing and disconnecting with the humans in the surroundings even more. Sadly the modern world suck and gets worse by the month.
storm45701
I’m with you. I had more fun during the times of bars, bathhouses and backrooms than the constant on-cue performance necessary of Grindr and other apps. Less pressure, no roles, more foreplay, and the thrill of the hunt. Sex is not a commodity; the lustful heart responds best to spontaneity and the heat of the possible — not a list of pre-conceived roles and regulations that one is expected to attend to without diverting from the narrow path.
Cam
When they’re young, people never think they will grow into the cranky older people that continually complain about “Today’s youth” and whine about how things were better back in the day.
You may want to re-read your post. Back in the days of the bar and bath cruising, I’m sure the older generation had plenty to say about those.
I’m sure people still topped and bottomed in the 60s and 70s, apps didn’t invent those, and Queerty was doing plenty of top and bottom articles before Grindr came out.
Tombear
Please! You either like it up the butt or you don’t. Why are some of you Queens so stupid.
Neoprene
Bingo, daddy.
TomG
Ask your self WHY you find it necessary to label yourself. Be a human being first and when you fall in love you’ll learn about your body more.
rick_blond_bear
For me, I started as a top, but the fantasy of being a bottom, dominated by someone (gently) was always there – the idea of bottoming is very exciting and arousing for me but the real deal, not so much. I’m very tight and the pain can be excruciating depending on the size of my top so I feel free to say “yes” or “no” while the hookup is happening, no shame on my game. I describe myself as a vers now and I make clear that I’m not 100% sure if I will bottom. There were times all I felt was pain, others I felt like heaven, so I keep my options open. Sometimes, I end up bottoming (and liking) because the guy is gentle, understand my situation and do good foreplay, relaxing me and conquering my trust. I bought a dildo to practice but it gives me no pleasure at all – for me, the pleasure is in satisfying the cool guy I’m with.
duke4172
Try to bottom a couple of times you will grow to love it!
humble charlie
if you like to wrap your legs around a guys waist then…
greekboy
Like I told one top…they think they are in control…if I dont put out, you dont put in. Now, who’s in control?
Doug
Much ado about nothing. If he’s experimenting then all he has to do is tell them that or claim he’s versatile.
CityguyUSA
Gays sure do have a way of talking endlessly. Tell everyone your a top that likes to experiment every now and again. You can send your money to me instead of some therapist.
johncp56
OMG dumb ass ???? i,m vers love to bottom, it is worded here like it is less than, lol any smart man even str8 guys know the prostate rub is heavenly lol while getting head, any takers.
Neoprene
Love the bttm bunk but as I get a little older enjoying the role of the poker as well.
BeaglePower
This site makes me shake my head at times. There have been guys I have been a big bottom for and other guys I topped. Whatever works for you IMO.
I like to top guys younger than me but my age or better that monkey butt appears.