Don’t Smurfwash Vanity Smurf Out Of The Smurfs Movie!

Thanks to advancements in Smurf-related technology, we’re all about to be treated to a 3D digitally animated feature-length film, The Smurfs (opening July 29),  in which a handful of the miniature blue whatever-they-are find themselves lost in the wilds of New York City and befriended by Neil Patrick Harris.

Based on trailers made available, Smurfs in the year 2011 are more prone to open belching, falling into human-sized toilets and referring to their genital areas–presuming they actually have those–as “enchanted forests.” They’ve also seen fit to update their sing-a-happy-song song, mashing it up with Tone Loc’s “Wild Thing.”

And all that is well and good.

But where’s Vanity Smurf, the self-described “misundersmurfed,” effete, flower-in-the-hat-wearing, coded gay one with the imperious manner, narcissism and prissy voice? Where’s his hand mirror? Where? (crash course in all things Vanity Smurf featured in above video–it’s not like you’re getting any work done on the Friday before the 4th of July anyway) Technically, of course, the entire Smurf universe is fairly gayed up, what with tons of shirtless men cavorting about with their lone female friend, but Vanity’s specific brand of vintage homo stereotyping is like a comforting cup of cocoa in a cold, cruel universe and we won’t stand for being cheated out of his presence.

Therefore, he better damn well be in the finished product or we’re going to summon the ghost of Vito Russo to come curse the smurf out of this movie.