The eleven bitchiest responses to our comeback line contest


We asked for your best comebacks, and you didn’t disappoint.

The rules of the contest were simple. In the grand tradition of Feud: Bette and Joan, contestants were asked to share their most bitched-out rejoinder to this famous Bette Davis putdown:

“Why am I so good at playing bitches? I think it’s because I’m not a bitch. Maybe that’s why Miss Crawford always plays ladies.” —Bette Davis

Queerty editors worked around the clock to find the witty entries, and finally whittled it down to eleven cheeky submissions.

One lucky winner, who was selected at random from the list of finalists below, will feel like the One True Bitch when they win a trip for two to always-bitchy Hollywood, California. (Find out who the winner is at the end of this article.)

And in true bitch fashion, the lucky winner and a friend will stay at a historic Hollywood hotel, cruise around the city on a star tour, and hobnob with the wax celebs at Madame Tussauds.

Without further ado, here are the most bitchin’ responses (in no particular order):

“If I wanted a line from you, I’ll take it from your face!”   — David R

“I’ll leave the bitch roles to Bette. She was wonderful as Lassie.”  — Sanford R

“Ms. Davis is a Bitch, just ask any of the Dogs she married.”   — James N

“Bette’s best work ever is making herself believe she can act in the first place. Brava!”   —  Michael L

“I wondered when the trash from the past would come blowing in off the streets!”   —  Michael E

“What does Miss Davis know about ladies? There’s a reason she’s so popular among drag queens and they need half as much makeup to look twice as good as she does!”  — Douglas J

“No, Miss Davis is not a bitch. She’s a — what’s the word? — oh, I don’t recall, but you can ask any one of the three hundred men she’s been with.Gary G

“You know, Hollywood makeup artists accomplish amazing things. But when it comes to Ms. Davis, they have to work very hard. It takes a lot of rouge to cover up four legs and a tail.”  — Andrew W

“I play ladies during the day. I leave the ladies of the evening to Miss Davis.”   –   Vatican L

“I see you are still in character…”   — Sarah B

“If I was your wife, I would give you poison. If I was your husband, I’d drink it.” — Jeffrey H


And the randomly-selected winner is…

Michael E and his winning comeback line: “I wondered when the trash from the past would come blowing in off the streets!” Congratulations!


Read the more than 1,200 comeback lines submitted on the official content page, and then leave us a comment below to let us know which entries you like the most.

FEUD: Bette and Joan airs Sundays at 10PM on FX. Missed the first episode? Watch it here.