Topher Gen is a millennial who says he’s done with meaningless hookups thanks to his millennial peers who have ruined them.
“Every time I’ve hooked up with someone I’m left with a fuzzy feeling of discontent,” Topher writes in a new op-ed for Gay Star News. “Thoughts run wildly through my mind: ‘I’ve let my body be used’ being the most common.”
“To me, that’s one of the dangers of hooking up with someone,” he continues. “You risk feeling awful afterwards. So why do we do it? Why did I do it?”
Topher says that he used to use hookups as a “coping mechanism” for everything from getting over breakups to getting over hangovers.
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He adds, “A lot of people who struggle with mental health issues use hook-ups as a way of making them feel like they’re worth something, that they are desirable.”
But, he wonders, is meaningless sex with a stranger really a healthy way of coping with life’s adversities?
He pontificates:
Hook-ups can be a way to temporarily fill the void; but when the sex is done and you’re both suspiciously eyeing each other, waiting to see who reaches for their clothes first, all the loneliness and sticky aches come back.
After giving it some very serious thought, Topher concluded that his millennial peers have turned sex into a “dangerously casual activity” and have thereby ruined hookup culture.
He explains:
The more it is normalized, the more our generation is armed with a sense of entitlement when it comes to other people’s bodies. We don’t hope for sex anymore, we expect it.
Much of what I’ve said will provoke some huffing and eye-rolling, but hook-up culture can blur the line of consent to such a degree that some guys think if a boy comes back to their bed then that constitutes consent to any and all sexual activities. A lot of people feel they are owed sex in this situation, when the reality is you’re not owed anything.
Needless to say, Topher is D-O-N-E done!
“Hook-ups are replacing intimacy with a quick shot of pleasure,” he writes, “one that is often inherently destructive. It might be all fun and games at the time but in the long run you’re risking emotional damage and disconnection.”
“There’s also the potential for physical damage,” he adds.
He says he no longer possess the “emotional equilibrium” required to engage in meaningless sex with strangers.
“Sex, for me, is unsatisfying unless there’s emotions tied to it,” he writes.
h/t: Gay Star News
Kangol
Umm, OK. Maybe someone should point him to early gay liberation-era and post Stonewall literature so that he’ll know that 1) he’s not the first one to have such thoughts; and 2) consensual sex can be about pleasure and sharing with another person or people. Also, as many a LGBTQ person has figured out before him, about 3-4 generations so far, if casual sex doesn’t work for you, don’t do it, but it does work for others, so allow other adults the freedom to decide for themselves how they want to live.
Danny595
He isn’t taking away anyone’s “freedom.” He is engaging in critical thought about an activity which causes a great deal of misery. It’s not morally neutral. You would like to equate his expression of thought with his not “allowing” you freedom because you don’t want people talking. Promiscuous culture thrives when people don’t think and don’t talk, but only follow along.
dmanhart
“but hook-up culture can blur the line of consent to such a degree that some guys think if a boy comes back to their bed then that constitutes consent to any and all sexual activities. ”
Radical far left liberals see all sex as rape. Sad.
Heywood Jablowme
@dmanhart: Yeah, that quote of Topher’s is quite strange.
“Hookup culture” doesn’t blur that “line of consent,” but alcoholism might do it. Or maybe he should just blame “British culture,” lol.
Topher seems to be oddly silent through all these encounters – as well as before, AND after, all these encounters – but maybe he’s just too drunk to say anything.
Vince
Jeeze and here I thought meaningless hook ups were a right of passage for most twenty somethings.
At any rate, I’ve found those that complain the loudest are usually the one’s doing it the most. Maybe Topher Gen can wean himself off Grindr every once in a while.
AxelDC
I came to the conclusion long ago that hookups are just empty calories. They feel good for a moment, but leaving you empty afterwards. I decided not to sleep with someone unless I liked him.
You don’t have to be in love to have good sex, but you should at least like the person you are sleeping with.
You are better off pleasuring yourself while you look for someone with whom you can share a moment, instead of just getting off with strangers. It’s also a lot less dangerous with lower risk of STDs or a bad encounter in a stranger’s home.
frankcar1965
Good for you except where you made the value judgement :
“You are better off pleasuring yourself while you look for someone with whom you can share a moment, instead of just getting off with strangers.”
You just made the assumption that since it is good for you it will good for everyone. You should say “ better off….” and leave everyone else out of it.
salumbre
ROFLMAO
Andersonvillecooper
Millennial concern? HAHHAHAHHA Hookups have been occurring since the creation of man. The fractured feelings of these poor millennial darlings are nothing new to those of us who hook up. I’d imagine they in the least bit grateful that technology has made bumping uglies in the backroom easier than upgrading your Netflix account. Just another article of regurgitated foie gras to dump in the ashtray aside the greasy pork chop.
Goosecurls
I agree with Kangol and Vince. I would add that Topher should talk with gay men 20+ years older than him to find that he is not the first to feel the way he does.
I myself stopped going to sex clubs, bathhouses, and having one night stands because it left me with an empty feeling. Also, expectations of how the hookup should be, killed whatever content feelings I had during and after. So, I stopped doing those things. Much to the confusion, judgement and anger, of some of my contemporaries.
I also agree with Topher on his thought that people use sex as a means to feel better about themselves, and feelings that they are better than others. I knew someone who went to an early grave still thinking that was true.
Paco
It’s not the casual sex that is making you feel empty. It is your life that is empty. Go fix it.
frankcar1965
OMG!!! I voice of sanity!!! Thanks for saying it.
sfhairy
Amen! but watch out for the flame responses. Cause you know he’s a snowflake millennial.
Juanjo
Amen Paco. When I was in my teens and early 20s I pretty much stuck my dick into anything that consents to the act but it was the early to mid-1960s when things were a bit more repressive than now and I was a military brat [or doing the college thing] living off base and surrounded by horny sailors, marines, and airmen. They weren’t looking for anything but a quickie and often never even said a name. Time and experience taught me that was a fun afternoon’s pastime but sucked as a long-term plan.
derek mcgillicuddy
As Gore Vidal said, you should never pass up the opportunity to have sex or go on t.v.
NYCJD
I hardly think milennials made hook up culture about the physical activity of sex. These 20 something’s think the whole world revolves around their emotional needs. Don’t like that feeling of still being alone after you blow a stranger in a public toilet ? DON’T Do it !!!
crowebobby
God bless you, Gore. Despite having the same feelings Gremore describes after cruising every toilet on the IRT line or spending two hours circulating the cabins at the back of a gay bookstore or just walking the street all night in search of “the one.” I still remember and regret every hot piece I let slip away over the past 70 years because it was too risky or I didn’t want offend or I wasn’t quite sure they were gay. I know they wouldn’t have been any different than the thousands I didn’t let slip away, but they keep coming back with promise of the unknown. And now it’s too late for any new opportunities . . . unless I win a Super Lotto Jackpot.
StudMuffin
You are so right, Crowebobby. After 76 years I’ve had thousands and missed that many also. In the Lincoln Park bushes in Chicago, back alleys, and even in the Lake Shore Drive highrises. Ah yes, those were the days back in the ’60s. But now that I’m old and bald I’m alone and unwanted…Just like today’s millennials will be, 40 or 50 years from now. If only they would realize what’s to come of them in their golden years.
Vince
I was going to say something similar.
Thanks for bringing this up. It’s the not talked about elephant in the room. Bad enough getting older as someone straight. The challenges for gay men is 50 x that. No wonder so many gay guys are scared of getting older.
Vince
That also goes for the Danny595 troll above. I think we can all collectively say we’d kick that one to the curb the minute it showed up.
JaredMacBride
“Topher” is good at blaming his personal problems on everyone but himself. He’s probably a lousy lay.
Vince
Ha. Great point. The ones whining about it all the time are usually the cause. Lets face it. Confident secure men are the best lays. I’m sure I’d be kicking him out before we even got anywhere.
johannh
I’m not a millennial and couldn’t agree more with Topher.
KaiserVonScheiss
Agreed. Hookup culture is bad.
frankcar1965
Hook up culture is bad for YOU, stop the judgement!!!
WanderSon66
@frankcar1965 and everyone similarly psychologically sensitive … Offering one’s opinion is not tantamount to passing judgement. And, one shouldn’t have to say ‘in my opinion’ for anyone to recognize it’s an opinion. Further, if frankcar1965 doesn’t like people making ‘judgements’ like he says KaiserVonScheiss did, then he should stop judging the ‘judgements’ like he did in response. Look in your own house first! …In my opinion.
tham
Why is it that every time a millennial feels something for the first time, they think it’s the first time ANYONE has ever felt it…ever.
They are going to be the biggest babies when they turn 40 and get waved off by a 20something.
Then we’ll be lectured by them about how “swallow” the new 20something is and how great it is to be…40.
I can’t wait till we have a name for the new generation.
Heywood Jablowme
” a name for the new generation.”
Ha – did you notice that the guy’s name is Topher Gen? We can call the next generation Gen Topher!
Brian
I’m sure he thinks he’s soooo clever for being the first person to shorten Christopher to Topher.
karl61058
Came to the same conclusion sometime after the 1980s.
scotshot
See a therapist.
Heywood Jablowme
There’s no rule that if you have casual sex, you MUST immediately slink away in total silence!
Believe it or not, it’s quite possible to have great casual sex (or even not-so-great casual sex) and somehow you both get to talking, and/or laughing… and you hit it off and you keep talking at breakfast… and you end up as boyfriends, or lifelong friends, or something in-between.
Maybe this is a Gen X and Boomer secret that these millennials haven’t figured out yet?
Zambos271
Thank You! I’ve made some really awesome friends that started out as a hookup.
yaletownman
Almost anything we do can be good or bad. When we are honest with ourselves we are better able to understand our motivations behind our hookups. Yes, hookups can be a way of numbing ourselves, avoiding feelings we need to process like sadness and grief. They can be used as a way to medicate chronic anxiety or depression and loneliness. When these are our goals, conscious or subconscious, we are probably not going to feel great afterwards because the feelings are sitting there waiting for us. There is no reason to feel guilty or ashamed as we humans do it with a lot of activities and substances. It’s just that it’s a short term fix for a long term problem.
But if we are in the right place hookups can be good for us. They can be pleasurable, fun and a great way to fulfill our desire as humans to connect to another human. Certainly nothing to feel bad about when this is the case! I even met my husband through hooking up! We just had our 19th anniversary of meeting that night and it’s been the best years of my life!
One thing we can’t do is blame others for our choices and level of emotional maturity. Blaming an entire generation for the choices we make is a way of not learning and taking responsibility for ourselves. It’s disempowering and if we are feeling ashamed, depressed, etc. about our choices blaming them on others isn’t going to change that. It’s a futile attempt to get rid of what we don’t want to feel and deal with in ourselves.
badpappy
I guess this is what happens to narcissistic millennials.
mujerado
Topher,
If it’s meaningless to you, then stop doing it. Some guys like the casual sex with no strings attached. It’s not a one-size-fits-all situation. Do what pleases and suits you, and let other guys make up their own mind about it. One of the worst things we gay guys do is try to make rules for everyone. (Actually that’s a human trait, not just a gay one). Keep in mind the old saw, “Different strokes for different folks.”
genericbrand
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
*breath*
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
DrewD
Sorry…when this baby boomer was invited to a guy’s house it wasn’t to spoon. Maybe just ask before you head over?!?
Geeker
I’m in my 40s and I was never the hookup type, I’m really shy so maybe that is a huge part of why I never got into it but the idea of having sex with someone I didn’t know always felt strange to me.
chris33133
If those are your feelings after hooking up, then just don’t hook up or try this thing called “dating” before having sex with someone else. What is so difficult about learning what pleases you or gives you a sense of fulfillment?
At one point in my life, I tried “saving” myself for “the one.” When I let go of that foolishness, I learned that Woody Allen is right: there can be such a thing as a “meaningful one night stand.” Or in the immortal words of Crosby, Stills & Nash: “If you can’t be with the one you love, love the one you’re with.”
Vince
“the truth is that Millennials are the most monogamous generation of G/B men”..LMAO
Sweety put down the meth pipe. Have you actually been around any millennials because I sure as shit have and their horny as hell and on sites like Grindr 24/7. That or just go back to the fantasy world you seem to be in.
You’re just making everyone else’s point here. The millennials are not unique. This is a age old subject.
Funny how when someone has POV that’s different then yours your quick to attack. Yet now we have a writer that you agree with and anyone who dares to think different must be attacked.
Josh447
This is one guy getting to know himself. Hardly a sampling of the whole. I wish him luck on his journey but that’s all, it’s his journey and noone else’s. I think he has casual sex mixed up with getting loved. Narry the two small meet. He needs to study his goals and act appropriately on what he really wants. He seems to be victimizing himself ending up frustrated and confused.
I love casual sex and the only feeling I’ve had afterwards is great! My goal was met. Good on me.
Josh447
PS I also love monogamous relationships of which I’ve had a wonderful long term few. But when not onlove I’m onto fun and play with sex with others. I’m Catholic who thinks their teachings on sex is psychotic slavery so hey, it’s expected.
Danny595
Josh447, good for you! Sex is just an amusing exercise for your own pleasure! If it feels good, do it!! Keep it up!
Sincerely yours,
HIV and mood disorders
winemaker
Gee, maybe you should refrain from using blatantly hookup methods, ‘Grinder’ etc and many other apps that carer to quick and basically ‘meaningless’ sex that in the end leaves one unfullfilled. You might want to check out the gay dating websites and when you post your profile, say ‘you’re relationship oriented and not interested in ‘hookups’, open realtionships or casual sex’ Being upfront about this importandt aspect weeds out the guys looking for ‘hookups’ so you don’t waste time on nonsense.. I recently joined a gay dating website and have had a some responses from men who were looking for more than this time wasting and unfulling nonsense. Years ago these were called ‘one night stands’. Usually you went to a bar, got your nerve up to approach a guy you found attractive and hoped he felt the same way, engaged in idle and meaningless ‘chit chat’ as both of you new the basic outcome of the encounter. You either went to his place or your palce. dealt with the uncomfortablness of the situation had sex and if you were lucky, the two of you spent the entire night. In the morning came the uncomfortableness of your encounter. You sheepishly exchanged phone numbers and said you’d like to get together again, I had a nice time etc. Awhile later, either one of you made the move to reconnect. You called, either got the run around, the blow off or some other nonsense as you thought there might be a connection and in the end it turned out to be a ‘one night stand”. hey, been there, done that. I live in San Francisco and over the years I’ve stopped going out to bars and clubs some time ago. I’ve found the men here still think it’s ok to be rude and disrespectful, play games, be dishonest about themselves and basically treat the men with whom they’ve shared a very personal aspect of themselves and with the other men as trite and basically ‘screw your feelings’, it was only sex, no emotion and connection, I was horny, had enough of Pornhub and wanted a physical encounter. Has the gay mens community come down to this: basically meaningless and emotionless physical encounters that leave one unfullfilled and empty?
tennisteacher2
Interesting perspective… I really didn’t get the impression he was somehow trying to criticize causal sex, or hook ups, which can be fun and dangerous for obvious reasons…The author was giving more insight into our lustful desires which are no different that what takes place in the straight community…..Like food, drink, drugs, and so on, causal sex can very much be used to medicate someone’s depression, loneliness, urge for revenge, and even lack of self esteem. While it can be fun, you could also be playing with fire if your judgement is impaired….
aidanbh
One of the major problems with current gay relationships and gay lifestyles is that too many of us are simply trying to emulate the structure of heterosexual relationships. As an overt and notorious gay political activist since the late 1970s, and as a psychotherapist since 1985, one of the things that I have noticed, explored, discussed and politicised is the benefit of the elements of a gay lifestyle that are different from simply copying the heterosexual formula (a formula that does not work particular well for them, and yet we insist on adopting it). The notion of “feeling used” is a residue of the Christian heterosexual formula, which even to this day tries to convince us that all sex is supposed to be “meaningful”, and “intimate”, and “with somebody that you truly love”. This is fine for some, and we must not downplay this. But it is not the NECESSARY perspective. What gay people have offered to the world is a new perspective on the nature of personal sexuality and of relationships. Instead, we just “play the game” and “do as they do”. It was certainly a political necessity at one time, since many heterosexual would support us only if our lifestyle did not “rock the boat” and show up their relationships. In other words, that we should succeed just as they succeed, but also that we should fail just as they fail. For them, “promiscuous” was a dirty word (even if secretly they envied it); and so many of us have followed suit. Make up your own mind about your sexual needs and your sexuality expression; and that does not mean mimicking the “formula”.
irbaboon
At last some intelligent commentary
OzJosh
Anyone expecting meaningless sex to be anything other than meaningless is a bit simple. If you want more than a hook-up, then conduct yourself appropriately and make your intentions clear. It’s called “talking”. In the meantime, don’t deride good old-fashioned hook-ups for not delivering whatever emotional fireworks you were unrealistically expecting.
Heywood Jablowme
This is even weirder if you click to the original article in Gay Star News.
Topher declares that ALL the guys he’s ever had casual sex with are “douchebags” (!) – yeah, funny how that happens. (No curiosity about if any of the other guys thought HE was a d’bag.) As someone points out in the comments, just because the sex is unsatisfying doesn’t necessarily mean the guys are d’bags.
Also it definitely seems that Topher has a drinking problem:
“We’ve all been there. You wobble into the room, swaying from side to side.”
Um, okay… maybe “we” or “you” tend to wobble… if you have a drinking problem. Although, of course, he doesn’t see this as an individual problem. He blames his drinking on “modern society”!
And then there’s this:
“For me, there are fewer situations that are more degrading than the post-sex silence.”
Uh… Why does he ALWAYS encounter “post-sex silence”? Seems weird to me. In my (admittedly vast) experience, people often get to chatting after casual sex. I doubt it’s just me since I’m not a very talkative guy, generally.
I assume Topher will move on to serious dating sites and I wish him well. Although he may run into some “d’bags” there too, and then he’ll need to write a whole new diatribe!
NateOcean
Did you miss this”
“Topher says that he used to use hookups as a “coping mechanism” for everything from getting over breakups to getting over hangovers.”
Yep, hangovers.
NateOcean
It’s not so much that they feel compelled to return a text message whose chime interrupts our sex.
No, it’s when they actually *answer* the phone, and you only hear half the conversation. And when you hear his reply, “nothing much”, and you just know the question from the other end was “what are you doing?”
That’s rude. So unless you, my millennials friend, are awaiting an important call that “a kidney as been found”, then just put your phone on mute for an hour.
sfhairy
Ahhh, millennial snowflake trying to slut-shame gay men. Shocking. Not.
johnnymcmxxx
Perhaps this queen (Chris)Topher is simply growing out of adolescence and discovering internet hook up sights are a tedious way of meeting people. Congratulations for knowing what the rest of us already know.
geb1966
News Flash, Topher, This is not some new phenomenon. People have felt this way about casual sex long before you were even having sex.
Notright
It’s official the new favorite gay pass time is *drum roll* complaining about the gay community! If you don’t want to hookup then don’t hookup. Period. But if you are interested in travel to asia join our facebook group Gay Asia Travel https://www.facebook.com/groups/523764334654983/ . We also have a website https://thegayexpat.com .
Enjoy
aprilmurphy444
jklklklklklklklklklklklklklklklklklklklkl
as Annie replied I didn’t even know that any one able to earn $8091 in four weeks on the
computer . why not check here…
ElPillo
Aahhh!!! To be young and think that everything that happens is the first time ever. So innocently silly. I know it as wamm-bang-than-you-ma’am or tricks or I-needed-that-thanks. Some people are cats (good in their own skin alone), others are dogs (happiest with its person). There was A LOT of guilt in “I let my body be used, the most common.” When cats and dogs behave like the other, it can create odd feelings. Hence this article.
Heywood Jablowme
@Vince: Danny and his bf get together with another monogamous millennial couple every Saturday night and they play canasta and Yahtzee!
One of the other guys suggested once that they all play Twister, but Danny was shocked and disgusted by the slutty implications.
Vince
@Heywood Jablowme. Oh vey. I’m shocked he even has a BF but then I’m sure there are plenty of other self loathing closet cases around if you know where to look. Birds of a feather and all.
That and I’m finding it hard to believe he’s a millennial himself. I always thought being bitter and nasty to others is something that takes decades to grow into. Must be some reincarnation of Roy Cohn or something.
Lvng1Tor
Oh for F’sake…do what is right for you and let others do what is right for them. And don’t be a judgemental a@@hole and only see a person by their sex (or lack of sex) life. We are made up of so much more.
jhon_siders
Guys have lost the art of cruising they sit at the bars on there hook up apps really pathetic . just another way to hide from being face to face to play more BS games !
nickedbeater
Life is messy. After accepting this certainty, there seems to be less disappointment. Drunk or sober, try it both ways.
“Hearts will never be practical until they can be made unbreakable.”
– The Wizard of Oz
And even He turned out to be a fake.
Rakkaus
Topher is right. As in so many aspects of life from politics to economics to sex, Millenials and younger generations will have to suffer the consequences of the BABY BOOMER “ME ME ME” GENERATION, the WORST GENERATION in human history, the only generation that will pass onto its children a worse standard of living than they were handed. Their parents & grandparents knew they were bad news in the 60s, 70s, 80s, now their children & grandchildren will reach historical consensus about the LEASTEST GENERATION. The Boomers made sex all about selfish instant gratification just like their politics from Reagan to Trump has been all about selfish short-term enrichment at the expense of future generations & the planet earth itself. Besides destroying our planet & our economy, Baby Boomers destroyed all of our social institutions, all values of human decency, their culmination in the ultimate Baby Boomer President Donald J. Trump who personifies all their values so clearly, serial philanderer who cheated on all 3 of his wives & brags about it, sex has no deeper emotional meaning, it’s just about that instant gratification, that’s why when Trump sees beautiful women, he doesn’t even wait, he just starts kissing them, then he grabs ’em by the p….! Why waste time with apps/hookups, just walk up to someone hot & grab what you want! What a shocker all the age 40+ established men in power & celebrities turn out to be sexual predators & pedos & pervs & rapists. Harvey Weinstein, Roy Moore, Kevin Spacey, Donald Trump are the faces of the Boomer generation. The parasite Boomer generation literally rapes men, women, and children, they’ve metaphorically raped the planet, raped humanity, raped Millenials & future generations who will have to suffer immensely working hard to clean up the many disgusting stains the Boomers left behind during the Rapist Generation’s unfortunate extended stay on earth which they treated & trashed like the motel rooms they meet their hookers and/or hookup prey in.
Paco
Umm… Wasn’t he going off on his own “entitled” generation?
inbama
Everyone goes through such periods, it’s part of growing up.
This subject has certainly brought out the crazies.
ChicagoJoe
I’m looking at some of the “guys” he pictured during this article; if that is what the author is hooking up with, no wonder he’s disappointed. There are a lot of great guys out there for hook ups when the need arises who aren’t shallow, arrogant campy types.
LivingGayBrisbane
This is a really great article from Topher. But you should read the original before you pass judgement.
baxterdharmadog
To quote my grandmother, “you kids think you invented sex.” And empty sex. And heartbreak. And monogamy. It’s ok, I get it, maybe you had to discover these things for yourselves. But you aren’t alone. When you step outside of hookup culture, you might find understanding and compassion from gay men and discover that you’re the beneficiary of a broader gay culture, which can help put the fun and emptiness of hooking up in perspective. Peace to you.