A single father took to Reddit recently to ask if he’s being too chill about his teen son’s coming out.
In his post, the dad says that his 16-year-old came out a few months ago. “I told him that I loved him and that it didn’t matter to me,” he recalled. “Truly makes about as much difference to me as what his favorite color is. We’ve always been very open about someone’s orientation not being an issue for anyone besides that person, so I’m pretty sure he knew I’d be fine with it.”
He went on: “My question, and this feels weird, is, am I not reacting enough? I know that coming out can be a big deal and in many cases, a very scary thing. Should I be talking with him more about it? Weird question I know, but parents worry about weird things.”
Related: Parent asks Internet for help with closeted son: ‘He is my life’
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In response, contributors in the r/gay subreddit assured this guy that his response is one of the best possible coming-out reactions.
“The casual outlook/approach is ideal, IMO,” one wrote. “My favorite memory with my dad is us in the mall people watching, him testing out his gaydar and picking out potential suitors. You sound like you’re doing amazing already.”
Another guy said that he got a similar reaction from his mother. “Tbh I was kinda relieved,” he added. “And that was honestly probably around the same age as your son. Now, at 25, it’s still not a problem and never became a problem. So I think you’re doing awesome.”
Related: Dad reacts like a pro after walking in on closeted son in a comprising position
A third commenter wrote: “First of all, it’s lovely to see you accepting your son just how he is. That’s all he wants. I don’t think you have anything to worry about if you have expressed that you don’t care. Just make sure he knows you truly love him and it doesn’t matter to you if he’s gay, straight, etc., that you just want him to be happy. … The best thing you can do is make him feel safe and secure with you. Keep being an amazing dad.”
And another wished his parents had a bigger reaction to his coming out. “I always joke about how I almost wish my parents were a little more surprised,” he wrote. “They found out by me just bringing a guy home after hooking up one day. In all reality, though, I was just itching for drama, so the best thing they could have done was not care. Haha.”
In short, the “NBD” approach can, in fact, be a very big deal — and in the best possible way.
Jim
Stay calm. Unless your son is a drama case. If so, stay calm.
Tell ya, ya love him and ask about his boyfriend. Dah!
sillyme
When I came out I lived in a different state than my mom, did and still do I wrote her a letter and later she told me that she had talked to a friend and boss *the same person” about if I was gay and he gave her great advice and it was just ask him and love him none the less. I was terrified at that time myself of not being able to talk to my mom but family stepped in and corrected her and told her he’s still the same kid and now you know how he is. We loved each other more and no more questions about grand kids ever came again. She was happy for me and was till the end, she was supportive of me and told my dad and family about it and set him right to.
PLAYS WELL WITH OTHERS
Dad:
You accepted and affirmed your love for your Son. You did good.
Diplomat-G
That’s an interesting question, but at the end of the day, you should be talking to him about the same issues you would speak to him if he were straight, being safe, understanding that love and sex are two very different things and that he can always come to you talk about anything.
Tempus
I have mixed feelings on this as I think the dad did the right thing but I’ve heard people say they wished for a bigger reaction while also having a slightly similar experience myself. I was outed to a member of my family who let’s say did not take it well so I haven’t come out to all of them so I wish they’d have taken it the way this father did. On the other hand I came out to a friend and had a mixture of relief & irritation that they told me they’d always known while sorta waving it off as if it were dumb I even had to tell them. I mean I was truly relieved as I was worried they’d reject me yet part of me was annoyed that I worked up the nerve to tell them something that they apparently knew but never said anything about. Stupid I know but I’ve heard some people imply they were actually a little annoyed when they nervously came out to their parents only to have them not react at all. Of course these people were actually relieved but some part of you as irrational as it is can be a little disappointed when it feels like a big deal to you yet isn’t to others.
SELA Rising
The NBD approach works fine, although I think the doubt these parents have is in feeling they are not supporting their kids enough, or that they are being perceived as uninterested. In order to counterbalance that the parents should talk to their kids about anything they would normally talk to them about but also with the understanding that its NOT the same and they should also insert questions of how their own peers are taking it e.g “You know we support you, but we want to make sure you feel supported at school, how is that going?” “We love you no matter what and are glad you told us, have you considered telling others? What concerns you about telling others?”
As for throwing a party or whatever, nah, just be ready to talk about their external life. While supportive family matters a ton, Social life means more to them at that stage in life. Keep your finger on that pulse there to keep them safe and sane.
radiooutmike
Good Dad!
When I told my Dad I was gay at the tender age of 50 and he being 75; he just said, “That stuff does not matter to me. I love you.”
Pitchblack
I think that you should gauge his enthusiasm and react accordingly. If he is anxious or otherwise emotionally heightened, go out of your way to react positively. If it’s something that he doesn’t care about or just generally thinks is unimportant, then take it in your stride.