I recently reached out to a hot black guy on Grindr who didn’t want me back. No answer = not interested. Got it. Since I rarely make the first move on dating apps, the wordless rejection stung.
But I recovered quickly and didn’t try to goad him into responding.
“Are you really going to ignore a brother?”
I didn’t write it–another “brother” in Kiev did. He started messaging me the day I arrived here. Apparently, Ukraine is a popular destination for gay black men. At least a half-dozen “tapped” me and/or messaged me on Grindr during my first five weeks in the white-as-snow Eastern European country. That’s more than the number of black men who approached me the entire year I spent living in Cape Town!
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Despite the fact that the “brother” didn’t say anything particularly compelling and his profile only had a photo of a thigh that was shot so that it didn’t reveal his race, I felt guilty. How could I ignore a brother? And worse: Was that precisely why I ignored him?
I knew I was being ridiculous. Before he played the “brother” card, I had no idea what color he was. Then I looked at his profile again and noticed for the first time that his “Ethnicity” was “Black.” I knew I probably wouldn’t have anything in common with a guy, white or black, who uses “brother” to mean anything other than an actual sibling.
Clearly, his emotional blackmail worked anyway. Overcome by guilt or stupidity, I took the bait. The conversation was as blah as I expected it to be. And the face pic he never sent didn’t increase his appeal. When he asked if I wanted to meet, I made my excuses and left.
The guilt, however, stayed, only to be compounded the next day by someone else, a French guy who also played the “brother” card when I ignored him: “you do not know a black brother, not even a reaction from you,” he wrote.
“Brother” No. 2 sent a face pic with his first message, but the photo failed to sway me. I may not have bitten the bait that time, but that didn’t mean his “brother”-shaming wasn’t effective. What was up with all the guilt-tripping? Were they interested in hooking up or just looking for black camaraderie in a white country? I reject at least a dozen white men on Grindr every day. Why was I so worked up over two black ones?
Even before they brought up race, I’d always felt a little weird every time I didn’t respond to a black guy on a dating app. It doesn’t happen often. They rarely approach me–?in real life or online. A few did in Paris, but none of them interested me enough to try to jump the language barrier.
When I was living in Sydney, I had long-distance virtual Scruff flings with three black guys?–one based in some Brazilian town I’d never heard of, one in Perth, and another in the Toronto. There was also a black Brazilian who lived on Bondi Beach and had me at “Hello.” Then he started sending me multiple photos of himself in various stages of undress.
He was one of the hottest guys to message me over the two and a half years that I was based in Sydney, but I reacted to him the way I react to every sexy guy who sends me multiple unsolicited c*c?k shots. I drooled, screen-grabbed for potential future masturbatory purposes, and proceeded to the next message.
As in Sydney, the Grindr grids in Eastern Europe, where I’ve spent all of 2018 so far, aren’t brimming with black faces. I can’t recall seeing more than one or two all year before Ukraine. Technically, I’ve only seen one or two in Ukraine, too, since every black guy who has approached me here has had a faceless profile, with either a photo of a body part or no pic at all.
“No face pic = no chat” applies to all ethnicities for me, but once the race card was played, ?nagging questions persisted: When I ignore a “brother,” is it because I’m not attracted to him specifically or because of internalized racism?
In second-guessing my non-reactions, am I trying to prove something to myself because of my dating history with white and Latino men? Did all the black guys I’ve messaged in the past who didn’t answer back have the same internal dialogue with themselves? Were those black beauties who responded to me on Scruff really interested or just doing their “brother”-ly duty?
I haven’t connected with most of the guys who’ve reached out to me in Kiev, white ones included, but there was a young black man in Odessa whose cute face pic, not our shared race, caught my attention. His name was Sam, and he was a lovely Nigerian who was studying in Odessa. He first messaged me when I was still in Romania, and he was among the first to greet me upon my arrival in the so-called “Pearl on the Black Sea.”
Unfortunately, my allergies to ambrosia pollen flared up like a flame during my six days in dreadful Odessa, preventing me from meeting either of my favorite Grindr guys there: Sam and a local Ukrainian named Valentin who could have passed for Zayn Malik’s brother.
Sam didn’t have much to say, but he was so sweet and understanding that when I left Odessa without having met him, I felt regret?–?and although he didn’t lay it on me, a twinge of guilt.
I’m going to have to learn to let that go. Black guys on Grindr, including myself, deserve better. Connecting just because of guilt–?or shared skin tone–isn’t really connecting at all.
Kangol
As soon as I saw the headline, I knew the article’s author. All of the contortions around not dealing with men of your same race are __________. I mean, really. Why not just own that you are interested in white dudes (and white Latinxs), and be done with it? The black guys reaching out to you might not be conversationalists on the order of Wilde or Baldwin, but they might be genuinely attracted to you. It does happen. You’re not interested for the most part. So rather than feeling guilt, just accept that for whatever reason you’re not attracted. Because if you were, pollen allergy or not, you’d have found a way to meet with Sam or the Afrobrazilian dude or any other hot young brother who was contacting you.
theafricanwiththemouth
I agree.
djmcgamester
Why is anyone required to respond to any particular person? Personally, I tend to thank people for their attention but say I’m not interested, but I also don’t spend a lot of time on apps. Am I equally bad for rejecting white guys I don’t like?
No reason to have guilt over not responding to someone of your same race. If anyone should be guilty, it’s those others who play the race card.
Creamsicle
I totally get that this writer is trying to be sincere and re-evaluate his sexual behaviors by being mindful about his choices.
But every piece always reads like the chronicles of an overthinking, privileged first worlder, who travels a lot and can’t shut the hell up about how much it made him think about himself.
“Oh my allergies were simply dreadful when I visited THE PEARL OF THE BLACK SEA, so I couldn’t have No Strings Attached sex with the cute black man who hit me up on a cruising app.”
At least the vapid posts about circuit parties and over the top gay events around the world are informative to queerty readers who might be planning to travel and want to include a gay event in their trip. This kind of writing on the politics of personal sex practices and questioning our own behaviors is both not relatable, and super obnoxious.
I don’t know Jeremy Helligar, but these sporadic introspective posts aren’t the best format for his series. Bundle them up into a compilation and make it a separate series or something. It doesn’t match the tone of other queerty content, and so it’s not even reaching the audience who might actually enjoy it.
He doesn’t even really decide to change his behaviors by the end of the piece, so it’s basically pointless on top of everything else.
OrchidIslander
If you have to refer to us as black ‘brothers’ then you clearly aren’t one.
Stick to your obsessive and tonal racial preferences Jeremy, on behalf of gay black ‘brothers’ everywhere……..
Rock-N-RollHS
The world is a cruel place and dating apps are not social justice instruments. Liberal guilt is self-deluding at best; hypocritical and dangerous at worst.
Plenty of black and white dudes not into me simply based on my photo bc I’m white, older, whatever. If you’re looking for self-esteem boosts on hook up apps, you need to find a good therapist.
Heywood Jablowme
Is it rude to simply NOT respond to someone? That’s an almost meaningless definition of “rude.” Especially if they don’t have a face pic, how is it rude to simply not respond? There is plenty of genuinely rude behavior on the apps, but this is way too sensitive.
“Were they interested in hooking up or just looking for black camaraderie in a white country?”
Gee, um, you could, like, ASK them. (Especially since you think that’s less “rude” than ignoring them!) But since, for some mysterious reason, you’ve asked us in the Queerty audience instead… ahem… I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say (b) they’re probably looking for black camaraderie in an overwhelmingly white country, where they probably went to hook up with white dudes just like you did. Really, it’s that hard to figure out? (If only “Black Jeopardy” on “Saturday Night Live” were a real thing!)
At any rate, I’m SO glad that Jeremy finally got the hell out of Serbia!
theafricanwiththemouth
Ugh, this was long and exhausting.
You are pretty exhausting sometimes JH. Also, you come off as overly obssesed with skin color/race and other unnecessary dividing agents.
Anyway, i’m happy for Sam (honestly, the only interesting part of this article). Happy that he’s somewhere he can be free (kinda) to live his life. Hope he doesn’t plan on returning home anytime soon cause things are about to get heated up with the presidential elections around the corner.
FunInTheSack
Poor Jeremy.
You sound so bitter about being born black, and seem to want to blame everyone else for your insecurities, rather than owning them.
You are a race baiter, and quite frankly your articles reflect you as a broken individual.
Hope you get the help you need. Because you desperately need it. Eventually learn to love yourself, and not project your self-hate masked as others ‘hating’ you.
Your articles are tiring, and lack substance.
No longer making Queerty a daily read. And thank Jermey for that.
He’s in a really bad place in life, and his articles reflect that. Bad energy.
Franklin
I’ve always hated the term “racebater”, but he does sound as if he has issues with his blackness. There are more than black gay men in America that do, having grown up in a country, that has white supremicist notions about attractiveness. That being said, I’m with some of the others here. Just admit are not attracted to black men and move on.
surreal33
If you are racist, you should proudly own that fact.
I can respect a honest, unapologetic, racist.
It is far less insulting than a phony, hypocrite, who hides behind subterfuge.
Luna1979
Agreed!!
Me2
The road to hell is paved with good intentions. No one is under any obligation to respond or make someone feel good about themselves. Those things happen organically. Most people would appreciate a genuine response or acknowledgement over some phony attempt to be “socially responsible”. So why waste energy dragging out the inevitable and making things way more uncomfortable than they have to be? If you’re not interested, move on. Your feeling of guilt is your issue, don’t drag others into it.
Bob LaBlah
Too many of these comments mirror one another. Its as though they were written by the same person hoping a name change wouldn’t raise suspicion.
Kangol
Or more than one person has the same thoughts about Jeremy Helligar, who writes versions of the same article over and over. It’s Queerty’s right, as the site owner, to keep running these pieces, and readers’ opportunities to respond as they see fit. Now, stepping away from your meta-commentary, how do you feel about Helligar’s pieces?
Bob LaBlah
Ms. Manners I’m sure you and algebra got along find but exponents notwithstanding two and two always has and always will add up to four. Thanks for confirming what I have suspected for months.
Luna1979
Can’t understand this guy at all. Seems like he needs some kind of guilt in order to function. If you’re just saying hi on the street, No, race and culture don’t matter. But if it’s who you’re trying to have a real connection with, then that’s no one’s business but yours, and you can be as picky as you like, because it’s their face, their language, their upbringing you’re going to wake up to for the rest of your life. Can’t go PC here, find the person society would choose for you while ignoring your own preferences. If you do that, then might as well marry a woman.
Xzamilloh
Gave up halfway through this mess. What a stupid non-issue.
Bob LaBlah
Well said honey. The part about Kiev and Ukraine (as in Russia) should have told any fool the article is a crock of shit and made no sense. It wouldn’t shock me to learn these types of articles are printed for no other reason than to rile up a certain educated ass whom education notwithstanding is a fool and they (Queerty) know it.
Heywood Jablowme
@Bob LeBlah: “Ukraine (as in Russia)”
??? — Are you aware that Ukraine is NOT part of Russia? (Not yet, anyway.) Or did you just mis-type? Jeremy may go to Georgia next and that will really confuse you!
Bob LaBlah
Heywood, my dear, when I was in school learning about geography it WAS part of Russia. I think in your haste to put me in my place you meant to say that it is no longer part of Russia (never mind that Russian troops currently occupy part of it and they lack the military strength to oust them). But thanks for pointing out that overlooked fact to this old queen. Anything else I missed?
Heywood Jablowme
@Bob: Well if you want to get technical (and I do, oh I do), before 1991 it was part of the Soviet Union, not “Russia” per se. It hasn’t been part of “Russia” since the czar was overthrown, and I wouldn’t accuse even an old queen of being a kid in 1917.
But I’m still wondering what exactly you disliked about the article, since in the comments above you excoriate everyone who made a negative comment, and you accuse them of being all the same person! DCguy would be proud. Hey, how do we know you and DCguy are not the same person? I’ve never seen you guys in the same place at the same time. 🙂
Bob LaBlah
Heywood have a good night. Take care.
Kangol
Huntee, if you’re calling people “fools,” you know it takes one to spot one. Now bye, Felicia!
Bob LaBlah
@Kangol….I must have really hit home with my comment to get that many responses from you (never mind I named no one specifically in my original comment). And here all this time I always thought a queen with YOUR intellect would know automatically not to respond out of risk of exposure. As they say you can take them out of the gh…………well hey, I’m sure you know the rest. My dear, a queen in a glass house should reconsider throwing stones.
Tyrone Johnston
Wow! I usually leave a bad movie saying “I want my money and time back.” But, this is the very FIRST time I have read an article on Queerty and declared the same (especially considering I didn’t have to pay to read this). The author’s personal issues just bleed all over this article. He is so pathetic.
It seems to me that he hoped to get “racist gays” who don’t date others to agree (in theory) with his point of view, wherein they could all share some similar train of thought on the concept/reality of blocking men who don’t meet their preferences. CLASSIC FAIL, “brother.” By the way, who says that (brother)? I’ve only been black all my life, but most say “brotha!”