Five Career Suggestions for Newly Unemployed Anti-Gay Marriage Activist Maggie Gallagher

maggie-gallagherMaggie Gallagher kind of admitted defeat on the whole marriage discrimination thing, and hinted that she’s on the hunt for a new career.

“I have a lot more freedom now to figure out what I want to do with the next 20 years of my life,” she told Lila Shapiro. Freedom’s a good thing, too. The demise of her cause mean same-sex couples have a lot more freedom, too.

Maggie’s kept out of the public view for the last year or so, probably because she knows there’s not much of a future in arguing that gays and lesbians shouldn’t be treated like everyone else. She still stands by her opinions about us, of course: that we are sub-optimal parents, and that because we do not achieve her platonic heterosexual ideal we shouldn’t be allowed to marry.

(Judge Friedman in Michigan eviscerated this argument in his ruling last week. “Taken the state defendants’ position to its logical conclusion, the empirical evidence at hand should require that only rich, educated, suburban-dwelling, married Asians may marry, to the exclusion of all other heterosexual couples,” Judge Friedman wrote.)

So, what’s next for Ms. Gallagher? We thought we’d put together a few helpful career suggestions as she updates her LinkedIn profile. In our previous article, commenters made suggestions about her spending her new free time on diet and exercise, but we aren’t big on that attitude. Maggie has plenty of shameful intellectual arguments; resorting to body-shaming is simply uncool.

Sex Therapist

Back in 2000, Maggie wrote that being gay “is a sexual disability preventing certain individuals from participating in the normal reproductive patterns of the human species.” Her concern for the disabled is touching. Maybe she’d like to go to medical school and become a counselor for people dealing with actual sexual dysfunctions. You know, like Mormonism, which has a Law of Chastity that forbids pre-marital sex and infidelity after marriage. That rule certainly prevents Mormons for participating in the (highly libidinous) normal reproductive patterns of the human species.

As a sex therapist, she could help married couples together rather than keeping them apart, a win-win for same and opposite sex couples alike.

Or maybe she could become an evolutionary biologist? Whatever.


“I oppose extending anti-discrimination laws to gays,” she wrote in 1996. That was fairly prescient, since here we are nearly 20 years later, still debating that very same issue! But these days, many states do extend anti-discrimination laws to LGBTs. So what better way to challenge those laws than by opening a bakery, advertising in a gay newspaper, and then refusing to bake a cake for a gay couple? It wouldn’t even have to be in one of the states that offers marriage; she could do it in Florida or Alaska or Nebraska or wherever.

Wrestling Promoter

Behind the scenes, Maggie’s been quite the pugilist. Her secret NOM memos cite their goal to “drive a wedge between gays and blacks” and “provoke the gay marriage base into responding by denouncing (black) spokesmen and women as bigots” and “fanning the hostility” between LGBTs and African Americans. Fight fight fight fight!


Remember when NOM made that “Gathering Storm” ad, with all the people quaking in front of a green screen about the menacing gays? She could definitely parlay that into a career as a weather forecaster. Weather and traffic on the tens with Maggie!

Our Friend

We kid, but in all truth we kind of love Maggie. She’s unafraid, she’s direct, she’s even funny when she wants to be. We completely disagree with her on some pretty fundamental things, but we also have friends who think recycling is a waste of time, promote libertarian overthrow of the Federal Reserve, and think Avery Brooks is the best Star Trek captain. A difference of opinion doesn’t mean we can’t totally be friends.

Call us, Maggie. Let’s hang out.