Karma’s a bitch. And nobody knows this better than Mike Jeffries, the openly gay CEO of Abercrombie & Fitch. The 70-year-old, who has a long history of making disparaging comments about ugly, fat, uncool, unpopular people in the media, is officially unemployed after
being forced out stepping down from his role as CEO last week amid sinking A&F sales.
“It has been an honor to lead this extraordinarily talented group of people,” Jeffries told A&F employees before packing up his office. “I believe now is the right time for new leadership to take the company forward in the next phase of its development.”
No word yet on what Jeffries will do next, but just in case he needed some help thinking of something, we’ve compiled a list of five careers he may want to consider now that he’s out of a job.
Guest star on American Horror Story: Freak Show
He’d fit right in alongside Bette and Dot Tattler, Jimmy Darling, Ima Wiggles and Twisty the Clown. And the makeup department would hardly have to do anything.
Become a Clairol hair dye model
Maintaining a youthful appearance has always been of the upmost importance to Jeffries. He once told a reporter, “Dude, I’m not an old fart who wears his jeans up at his shoulders.” At 70 years old, he’s all about the hair dye, the spray tans, the collagen, and the Botox. What better way to promote his message of eternal youth than by posing as a hair model for Clairol’s nice’n’easy “Born Blonde” brand of boxed hair dye?
Work the perfume counter at Macy’s
On his private Gulfstream G550 jet, Jeffries used to insist that the cabin constantly be spritzed with A&F cologne, among other outrageous demands. Clearly the man enjoys cheap, headache-inducing fragrances. So why not surround himself with the thing he loves by getting a job behind a perfume counter at Macy’s? He could spend his days spraying the air while gabbing with the salesgirls about the cute guys in the men’s department.
Audition for America’s Next Top Model
Over the years, Jeffries received criticism for A&F’s overtly sexual ads geared towards teenagers that often featured half-naked, gym-toned frat boys surrounded by bikini-clad female admirers.
When confronted about the raciness of A&F’s models, Jeffries once said: “Listen, do we go too far sometimes? Absolutely. But we push the envelope, and we try to be funny, and we try to stay authentic and relevant to our target customer. I really don’t care what anyone other than our target customer thinks.”
Since he has such strong ideas about models and modeling, perhaps he should consider auditioning for a spot on America’s Next Top Model. We’d be curious to see how far he’d make it in the competition, and whether or not he’d butt heads with judge Tyra Banks.
Become a volunteer spokesperson for Weight Watchers®
Jeffries has never cared for ugly, fat, uncool, or unpopular people. In 2006, he said he only wanted “good-looking people” in his stores because “good-looking people attract other good-looking people, and we want to market to cool, good-looking people. We don’t market to anyone other than that.”
“Abercrombie is only interested in people with washboard stomachs who look like they’re about to jump on a surfboard,” he continued. “A lot of people don’t belong [in our clothes], and they can’t belong. Are we exclusionary? Absolutely.”
Now that he’s jobless, perhaps Jeffries should consider offering helpful solutions for folks who may want to lose weight, rather than just criticizing them for their sizes. We think Weight Watchers® would be an excellent company for him to consider partnering with as a volunteer spokesperson.
Assuming, of course, they’d take his call.