Beat that, Suze Orman!

Five Sex Toys You Don’t Need…

As some of you know, the stock market isn’t doing so well. Hell, the economy as a whole seems to be in the shitter!

Everyday seems to be a struggle and we’re all going to have to make some sacrifices over the next few months.

After writing about that perplexing faux foreskin earlier this week, we began to wonder what other superfluous genital accessories are on the market.

To save you a financial headache, we’ve selected five sex toys you really don’t need.

The NSFW report, after the jump…

This here’s “The Locker Fucking Machine.” It’s exactly what it sounds like, although the locker, sadly, refers to its structure, not some beefy jock type that comes along. Only then would this puppy be worth the staggering $549.00 price tag. That money’s best kept for when the economic apocalypse hits.

This little bugger immediately caught our virtual eye.

It’s called, quite boastfully, the Zeus Deluxe Digital Power Box. Rather than rubbing your hot spots, this baby pumps you full of juice – electricity, that is. Never fear, say the manufacturers, there’s nothing to be scared of:

Unlike the electric current that most people are familiar with, the current from our toys doesn’t hurt, instead it stimulates the nerves, creating what can be very pleasant sensations. Essentially, Zeus Electrosex Toys make you vibrate. Not only can this be incredibly arousing, but many users have been able to achieve hands free orgasms.

That’s nice, but if there’s one thing we don’t want near our genitals, it’s electricity. Even if the box only runs on AAA.

Also, call us purists, but we like using hands during masturbatory exercises, especially since it saves us the $158.98 you have to spend the unit and elective blue straps.

Ah! Here’s another “hand’s free” accessory: The Rub One Out. Designed to create the illusion of an outside participant, this product also vibrates. You know – just for shits. Too bad one still has to move it up and down and, at $40-50, you can do it yourself. Except, presumably, the vibration…

At $9.99, this product may not be as expensive as some of the other toys, but it is just as frivolous! Like other cock rings, the “Tie Your Own Cock Ring” helps you keep yourself to, well, yourself.

Unlike it’s competitive cock ring kin, this baby gives you all the power. With this, you can tighten and loosen – for up to 6 feet! – as you like it. That sounds nice, although we imagine the same could be done with a piece of ribbon, or perhaps a shoe string. We know times, but you’ve got to have at least one shoe, right?

Look! It’s The Fleshjack! And it comes in all sorts of shapes and sizes – lips, ass and what appears to be urethra, if you’re looking for a tighter fight. Some even glow in the dark! Others are clear, so you can watch yourself fuck a what appears to be a flashlight. Whee!

But, seriously – we know it can be hard getting laid sometimes, but do you really want to pay between $50 and $60 for something that a. could be done with your own hand and b. you have to clean up? Think of the cost of all the cleaning products – and lube! No, no. There’s nothing like your hand, the real five-finger discount.

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    The Zeus electro-sex item is actually fun. I’ve never used it alone, but it certainly adds interest to a 1 on 1 encounter. It’s better with tens sticky-pads and the accessories are pretty useless.
    You can find it at more reasonable prices if you look around at different websites. And, don’t worry, you’re not going to fry your weenie.

  • Jaxson67


  • Bill T

    You guys must not have tried the Fleshjack. Its awesome and worth every penny!!! Also electro-stim is VERY popular, ask around boys….

  • tracy johnson

    Can I get 1 “Queen Latifah” fist, rush delivery, please? Thank you!

  • Brian

    I want them all..Now

  • fredo777

    Bill is right. The Fleshjack is worth it.

    Get the Ultra Tight, btw.

    You’re welcome.

  • Sean S.

    You have to be kidding me. Is any of this stuff UL approved? I can just see someone putting that electric thing on and frying themselves when it shorts out.

  • stevedenver

    I gave 3 fleshjacks for Christmas last year and those guys have showered me with cards and gifts every opportunity. I bought a clear one for my hot straight neighbor who is fed up with girls and he let me video him using it. He loves it… long time.

  • Jack in the box

    Um………….Have any of you every watched Xtube or any porn on the internet at all? These things are all over the place.

  • [email protected]

    i have a fleshjeck too.pretty good it is.

  • Kuono

    Thanks for a hilarious perspective.

    Just want to put my two cents in so that folks who do use them, or things like them don’t feel shame.

    Some of these products really are great sex toys, be it for enjoying electric sensations or finding a nice squeeze with safe vibrating cock rings and high quality (easy to clean) masturbation sleeves.

    Sex is fun, and sometimes toys make it that much funner. Course, your post made it that much funnier! : )

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