Five Signs That Punxsutawney Phil Is Gay

groundhogOn Saturday, the world stood still as a rodent crawled from its cave and looked for its shadow.

Some posit that groundhog du jour Punxsutawney Phil is gay. We think he might be on to something!

5 Signs That Punxsutawney Phil Is Gay:

1. Phil is married, but no one has seen his wife. That’s a little suspicious if you ask me. Rumor has it that she is a cheerleader at Notre Dame.

2. Homeboy hangs out at “Gobbler’s Knob.” Yeah, do you need an explanation?

3. He gathers tons of people together and comes out in an awkward way while pretending he doesn’t love the attention. Who the hell does he think he is … Jodie Foster?

4. His full name is “Punxsutawney Phil, Seer of Seers, Sage of Sages, Prognosticator of Prognosticators and Weather Prophet Extraordinary.” If that’s not a fabulous drag name, I’m not sure what is. And yes, I am implying that all drag queens are gay (except Venus & Serena Williams).

5. Bitch is 15 pounds. Punxsutawney Phil has one day to shine and he ain’t letting carbs get in his way. He’s been hitting the one gym in town a few times a day and was recently caught taking a “selfie” in the mirror in a racy Instagram photo.

We could add Number 6: Phil predicted an early spring—obviously he’s eager for IML 2013!