When it comes to hooking up online, everybody’s done it. While we know some of you thots have hookups that were super hot, the recent murder of a local gay man in Philly by a hookup he met on Grindr has everyone on edge. We’re sex-positive in these parts, and we figure if you’re gonna do it we may as well give you a few pointers on how to stay safe, so here are five ways you can be safer while hooking up online.
1. Let A Friend Know What’s Going On
If you’re the type of guy who can find a Grindr hookup while walking from one avenue block of your gayborhood to the next, chances are that you’ve probably got a friend that is equally as friendly as you are. So, why not take advantage of him? Take a screenshot of your next hookup’s face pic (because we know you’re not hooking up with someone without receiving a face pic first) and text it along with the address to your partner with a note that you’ll text him as soon as you’re done so he knows that you’re safe. The bonus is that you’ll totally have a record of all your hookups, someone to talk to them about and a printable face photo to put on the dartboard in case he ever decides to be a dick and block you. This is what we call a win-win situation.
2. Know How To Protect Yourself
If you’re a 5’6 twink who just happens to be into muscle daddies, you’ve got to be aware that you’re at a physical disadvantage going into the situation. We’re pretty solid over in these parts, and can still remember hooking up with plenty of guys that had at least 25 lbs and 4 or 5 inches (in height) on us. As a gay guy in 2014, you need to know how to protect yourself, and lucky for you there are plenty of opportunities to learn how to do so.
Velvet Gloves is one of the only boxing groups that caters specifically to gay men, but nobody says your life has to be all gay all the time. So, check out regular boxing classes, krav maga, and even some basic self-defense courses that can be found in pretty much every city. If you’ve ever got to take down someone who is being a little bit too aggressive, you’ll be glad you did.
3. Avoid Anonymous Encounters
Some guys are very into the anonymity of a total stranger coming in to plow them (or being the stranger doing the plowing), but we have to say that this is probably one of the most dangerous things that you can do while hooking up online. If you think it’s an A+ idea to have your head buried in the pillow and leave your door unlocked while waiting for a complete stranger to enter your apartment (and you), then get over it. Now.
Engaging in this particular type of hookup leaves you more open to robbery and sexual assault, and leaves you in the most vulnerable position you could be in. If this is really your thing, engage in it with a trusted bud and make it a part of the fantasy so you can have the hot sex with only the idea of the danger.
4. Trust Your Gut
On a message board we frequent there was a truly harrowing post from someone who got a really creepy feeling from a guy trying to pick him up at a bar. That guy turned out to be Jeffrey Dahmer. You know, the psycho who killed multiple gay men before dining on their flesh? Of course, those were days long before Grindr, Jack’d and the other apps, but even when you’re talking to a guy online your instincts can tell you whether or not there’s a “creep factor” that you can’t shake off. If you get even a hint that there is something not right about the situation, don’t go. Grindr has a seemingly endless parade of pole and hole, so we’re quite sure a little hunting will find you someone you can be comfortable and horizontal with.
5. Have A Regular Online Buddy
OK, so if you’re doing the Grindr (or Jack’d or Scruff or Squirt) thing, then obviously there is always going to be the awkwardness of meeting a hookup for the first time. However, if the sex is superhot and you’re both into making it a regular thing, then why not use the app to reconnect with your bud? You’ve obviously passed both the chemistry test and the “is he or is he not a cannibal psycho?” test, and since you’re both smart enough not to try to make a boyfriend out of an online hookup then you’re left with someone who can be trusted on some level that you have really hot sex with.
Here’s the dirty little secret about hooking up: most guys actually want a regular bud to hook up with, even if they’re not looking for a boyfriend. So have fun “auditioning” guys, and when you find one or two or ten that you click with, go ahead and put them on the team. A properly vetted online bud can nullify the need for all of the previous rules, so keep your eyes (and other things) open for a good one to keep in the stable. It’ll save you a lot of stress in the long run.
So there are five tips to keep you safe out there in the wonderful world of hooking up. Feel free to share your own in the comments section.
montserrat
I appreciate this post. It was non judgmental but realistic. It’s so true about anonymous sex, I’ve never thought that to be a turn on but plenty of gays do and it can be very dangerous. I had a friend who was beaten up and robbed in a hotel room from an anonymous hookup. God, sex with randos just isn’t worth your health and well being. Anyways, good job to have a list of ideas to keep yourself safe.
TerrenM
A.) Have some self control and DON’T DO IT! *drops mic and exits stage*
rand503
I would also add that if you’re going someplace for an encounter, leave the fancy watch and jewelry at home. In your wallet you should have your ID and only enough cash to be considered mug money. If you have to have a credit card at least just keep one in your wallet and leave the rest at home.
That way, if you are robbed all they take is one card and that’s easily canceled, and you haven’t lost much money.
Asking for a face picture is probably helpful, but the true psychopath would probably be sending you a fake photo anyway. Nonetheless, it’s good to ask for it because sometimes people are just that stupid. If you’re going to another person’s house make sure you confirm the address, and also write it down somewhere or send it to a friend as you suggest. If you are going to a hotel, make sure you and the other guy are at least seen by the desk clerk.
If you really are smart, the best thing is to take a photograph of the person at some point and send it off to your buddy so that you have an actual photograph of the person in case anything bad has happened.
erikwm
“and since you’re both smart enough not to try to make a boyfriend out of an online hookup”
Really?
Gay men are a small minority. When you add in personal preferences, age, and location, the potential dating pool becomes extremely narrow. Eliminating individuals based on how you met is not a luxury that’s real practical, given the circumstances.
uruz422
I agree with most of this. I actually do it with my husband.
Also, I think the trusting your gut is SUPER important. If for no other reason than every time I have felt odd about someone it’s turned out to not be a fun situation.
I had this one guy show up. He was so freaked out that I had a cat, like scared shitless of the cat (and my cat is pretty indifferent to people coming in the apartment), and asked that I lock him in the bathroom (even though I said I’d make sure the door to the bedroom was shut when we played) and he wouldn’t even step in the apartment. That just weirded me out. I trusted me gut and told him to leave. Who knows, coulda been a serial killer. =)
Merv
Meet for coffee first. Also, to minimize legal risks, if he looks like he might be too young then ask for ID. Stick with over 18, even if 16 is the age of consent in your area (there are other laws besides age of consent, and you’re not a lawyer).
DonW
@erikwm: I met my partner of 12 years via a sleazy hookup (not “online,” which didn’t exist at the time, but exactly the same dynamic). Love is where you find it.
Tackle
This is great advice, and I agree with all the pointers on here.
Online hooking-up was never this dangerous when I first stated doing it 8 yrs ago, or even as recently as 3 yrs ago. But #3 was a hot fantasy for many guys, and even with the danger that’s present, I think many guys will still take the risk. The danger of it, heightens the whole sexual experience. Gives you that rush. A natural high. That you really cannot get from someone you know.
Blackceo
I think these are all very good suggestions. You definitely want to take as many precautions as you can. I would definitely recommend that if you are of the shorter and slighter build that you are taking some judo, karate, or some kind of self defense classes. That and following your gut is probably the best.
However, you can have a list of 1000 precautions. Nothing is fail safe. The only thing telling the address and showing a picture of the guy you are meeting (if he’s the killer) is going to do is narrow down the area in which they will find your body. If he is the killer I hope he has the common sense not to send his own picture. But you know…common sense isn’t so common.
This is something I engaged when I was in college and into about my mid 20s and it was risky. Each time I hooked up with someone there was that twinge of anxiety hoping I wasn’t about to meet some psycho, and I’m 6’3 200lbs. Smart psychopaths don’t fight. They drug, they knock you out from behind, etc. I mean sure we could’ve met for coffee once. What does that do? Ok it places me with the actual person so that the police will hopefully have an accurate artist’s sketch from the reward poster that goes up after they find my dead body. Ok perhaps I’m being a little too facetious here. Overall, most guys are just looking to get off. The instances of murder via hook up happen but are few and far between when you take the whole of all the hook up apps and all the people on them So…just gotta hope you aren’t the rare statistic in meeting the hot guy to get your rocks off being the killer.
toberlin
?Question:
The news articels I read to the Simmons case were less grounded by hard facts.I had the impression that the medias try more blow up the case to a “(gay-)SEX&CRIME thing = readers.Including red letter links:”If you like this crime on Grindr you will love that one.”
Sure , there are risks in Online -Dating.From my point of view the medias in the US clearly playing up the topic.(amounts of Dates vrs.amounts of Crime)
Right or Wrong?
gskorich
i don’t understand #3. most of these encounters are anonymous in nature. know your surroundings, know who you are dealing with. let the hookup know people know where you are, even if they don’t. people take risks hooking up on line, in a bar, anywhere!! there is no way you can know someone in 20 minutes and a few text messages. people are players. i’m surprised there aren’t more reported incidents.
Fang
Great advice! I adhere to all of it and have only had problems when I didn’t.
denvermtnbiker
That last pic is so hot 🙂
vive
Or go to a bathhouse. It’s the same people and it is a safe environment.
mdventura
Although hosting is more comfortable than driving, hearing comments about what I own has made me fearful of robbery or future vandalism. So rather than keeping the alarm fob in my shorts, I now meet in their homes (and never at a hotel). Few people will kill another human in their own home. And, if their house is not presentable and clean and ready to accept a guest, I do not risk contact with what might be living in their sheets, towels and pubic hair.
DickieJohnson
@mdventura: This is WONDERFUL advice, truly. Thanks!
StephK
All of the above are great suggestions, but let me add an important two important ones to teh list..(a) Be extremely careful with the booze and /or drugs. Being drunk, high or stoned will cancel out whatever warning your gut is trying to tell you.(b) As a matter of fact, stay away from the obviously trashed or smashed lest they act out some of their sicker fantasies on you.
ddean
You just nailed it.
ddean
Being a very attractive male in the gay world and also hung to boot is like the scareist thing I’ve ever lived through. Forget the money or brains or any thing of that matter. Guys scare the life out of me sometimes. Ok if your even being honest. I lived through 3 years of being terrorized and moved 5 times to hide. I begged the universe to forgive me lol I still think at least once a week that any given day that will reappear. So let’s get something straight here. I met him online. Sweetest , nicest psycho path you ever want to meet. Oh Btw, I thought I was smart successful and had already lived through a mass of misfortunes and even my friends and family thought he was sweet. Just a kid! Right! So kids let me summarize this for you. Please be careful! Things are not as they always appear. And again like above …. Add drugs or alcohol and all bets are off.
neostud
Thx for this great advice. Really appreciate it.