Five Ways To Embrace & Enjoy Your Kinky Fetish

A fetish might be the shiny black leather boots the man at the grocery store has on, or the white cotton jockstraps you see at the gym, or the way you murmur “Daddy…” when your horned up partner is having his way with you. But where did we get our kinks, and do they represent something… bad?

Therapist and author David Fawcett (Lust, Men, and Meth: A Gay Man’s Guide to Sex and Recovery) thinks our kinky side is actually good for us, he came up with some juicy insights into our naughty obsessions.

“A fetish is not a disorder at all, unless it causes personal distress or is harmful to others,” David told Queerty’s Mark King. So if you’ve been transfixed by the uniform worn by the hot Castro cop, relax. “The most common fetish is a body part, like feet. Second would be objects such as clothing, and finally, a fetish can be a behavior, like a role play fantasy.”

David provided us these five helpful things to know about your kinky fetish:

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1. Assess your fetish to be sure it is a healthy one

 

David is supportive of our kinky sides. “Think of your fetish as something that ‘adds value’ to your sexuality,” he says. “By far, most fetishes are perfectly normal. Our own shame about having one is usually the most unhealthy thing about it. If it is a fantasy of some sort, remember this: the vast majority of people are clear about the difference between fantasy and reality.”

But why on earth do white briefs drive you wild, you ask? “Why we develop a fetish is largely unknown,” David says, “but they are most often in place during childhood. They pair our earliest sexual arousal with a non-sexual object – the cute boy you saw in the locker room was wearing white briefs, for instance. Importantly, though, a fetish can also result from trauma or a strong emotional experience.”

If you’re concerned, ask yourself if your fetish is emotionally or physically harmful to yourself or to your partner. And David asks that you give something else some thought. “Is indulging your fetish ‘re-wounding’ you somehow? Is it linked to something that should be allowed to heal, and you’re keeping it fresh, and harmful?” If the answer is yes or you’re not certain, you might want to consider talking it through with a professional.

And by all means, if the fetish involves sex that puts you or your partner at risk for HIV transmission, then check out PrEP if you’re negative, or learn why positive guys with an undetectable viral load are not infecting their partners.

2. Reveal your fetish to your partner thoughtfully

 

Sure, telling your date or your husband that his leather boots are hot is easy. Getting him to wear a pair during sex might be a little trickier. The key is being prepared.

“Most couples don’t have great communication skills about sex, and that includes gay men,” says the expert. “So be sure you are comfortable discussing sex in the first place. You might want to just describe why the fetish gives you pleasure, without any expectations that your partner will join in. And it is important that you discuss it as something that is intimate, not a source of shame or some kind of awful confession.”

Once you’ve had the Big Reveal, give your partner time to process it. You can always circle back to it later.

3. You fetish probably isn’t going anywhere

“A fetish is part of your sexual template that probably won’t go away,” says David. “Even if we try to repress them, they tend to re-emerge.”

So, someone in a relationship that has a fetish might want to do their best to incorporate it, advises David. That means ground rules, respect for limits, and managing the complicated balance between loving and respecting your partner while honoring your own needs. “Communication is the key, of course,” David says. “And it is also true that sometimes couples are just incompatible.”

4. Be sure you don’t need drugs or alcohol to enjoy your fetish

The more dangerous your fetish might potentially be, the greater the importance of having a clear head. Obviously, this applies to domination and submission scenes or anything involving being at the physical mercy of your partner. “Always incorporate consent and respect,” advises our expert. “And you can’t give your consent if you are under the influence.”

David firmly believes that some fetishes are the result of drug use and may not even be organic to the individual. “These kind of drug-driven behaviors do not increase intimacy,” he says. “They are actually destructive.”

“If a fetish is keeping someone stuck in self-destructive behaviors like drug addiction, this suggests a level of shame that needs to be addressed in therapy,” David says.

5. Men love to grab that brass (nipple) ring

Fetishes are a guy thing. “95% of people with a fetish are male,” David tells us. “Straight men fetishize feminine things, gay men fetishize masculine things. They are the objects that represent those we desire.” Of course many gay men love feminine things, too.

So embrace all that you are, men. Keep communication open, play it safe, and get on with your kinky selves. “By far, most fetishes enhance healthy sexuality,” David adds. “So have fun!”