The newlywed game

Footage of Colton Haynes’ wedding pops up on Instagram

Colton Haynes.

You’ve gawked at his superior Halloween stylings. Watched his character get prodigiously plowed by Kai Anderson (Evan Peters) in American Horror Story. Leered eerily over footage of him in a blue sparkle-thong. And you’ve been eagerly awaiting his sure-to-be fleshy role in Bigger as fitness legend Jack Lalanne.

Related: Colton Haynes on being an openly gay actor: “Hollywood is so f*cked up”

What you haven’t done: offered up wistful sighs, keening squalls, or burbled beautiful birdsong while fawning over footage of Haynes’ recent wedding. We are determined to change that.

The below video will allow you to gently re-enter polite society, firm in the confidence that you’re up to date on every breath Haynes has taken in the last 72 hours. We did this for you.