You’ll never believe who won’t be allowed onstage at tonight’s presidential debate, organized by the South Carolina Republican Party and Fox News. Why, it’s none other than Fred Karger, the first openly gay man to run for president. How do you like that!
They say that it’s because he hasn’t polled well enough, but Rick Santorum’s been polling pretty poorly and he’ll be there. But Fox News has only included Karger in a poll once — and when they did, he passed the 1% threshhold that should have qualified him to participate in the debate.
But no matter! He may be an interesting candidate with some compelling ideas and a dedicated following on college campuses; but he is also a gay, so most Republicans will assume that all of his ideas are about butts.
Of course, a bunch of the usual heterosexual suspects will be allowed to speak. You’re surely all too familiar with Rick Santorum and all his unpleasant associations. We’ll also see Tim Pawlenty, former Minnesota governor and sufferer of a sexless marriage. He vetoed a bill that would have allowed gay couples to dispose of each others’ remains.
Ron Paul will be there — you remember him, don’t you? He’s the guy who said that gay couples are “an act of social engineering profoundly hostile to liberty.” And then there’s Gary Johnston, the divorced Governor of New Mexico. Johnston dodges the marriage issue by saying that it’s up to states to decide, and that civil unions are just fine with him.
And of course, what kind of debate would it be without Herman Cain, CEO of Godfather’s Pizza? You know, good old Herman. “Marriage is between a man and a woman,” he says, when he’s not busy flipping pizzas in the air and promising not to hire any Muslims.
Undaunted by the lockout, Karger will hold a press conference today at 3pm in Greenville, South Carolina, to talk about “what I would have said in tonight’s debate.” We hope it’s something like, “get a load of these clowns.”