fauxsion

Friends Won’t Let Friends Wear Isabel Mastache’s Penis Slacks

Fashion designer Isabel Mastache makes “avant garde” designs. Or, in layman’s terms, batshit crazy designs. Stuff that even Lady Gaga wouldn’t wear, when she’s wearing clothes. At Madrid Fashion Week, Mastache’s new Fall 2010/Winter 2011 collection included a bunny-ish sweater with hood and puffs, a yellow cabbage-rose headpiece, various explosions of fabric, and yes, the penis trouser.

Three words: Do not want.

Fashion is about expression, creative license, blah blah. Yeah, we get it. It is not about putting cocks on parade. The only time that’s okay is with super-sexy underwear; not slacks made for everyone to see.

We don’t mind a nice bulge here and there. But for the same reasons we never approved of the 1980s skinny jean — that wasn’t so much skinny as it was ill-fitting — we do not approve of Mastache’s snake trouser that embeds a pouch for your (uncut?) junk to hang in plain sight.

The only people we can see getting behind this are fertility doctors, who, we hear, recommend keeping your semen particles away from your body to lower their temperature. And even then: Ew, gross.

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62 Comments

  • romeo

    Yeah, I’m running right out to buy that ensemble. (What is the matter with her? She must be straight.)

  • terrwill

    Just what I always didn’t want “Prick Pants”!!…. : P

  • Miss Understood

    Innovators are always laughed at. I love these! My only criticism: I woldn’t have so many offbeat details in one ensemble It loses focus. The arm, the heart, the headpiece, the scarf, and the penis should not be all in the same look.

  • Lady Ga-Gasp

    All my pants end up looking like those. I can’t help it.

  • romeo

    MissUnderstood: I’m all for innovation, but somewhere up in there there has to be something SOMEBODY would actually want to wear. My roommate pointed out that even in Paris you’d be arrested for those pants. LOL

  • romeo

    LOL Quit bragging Ga-Gasp.

  • terrwill

    Do they allow for growth if one pops a boner???

  • romeo

    On second thought, I can see the statement value in the pants considering the prudishness about male genitalia, but I would never wear that. Guys have enough complexes; it just wouldn’t be fair to my fellow man.

    Also, my headgear runs toward ranger caps and fedoras. No way am I gonna walk around looking like a flamingo took a crap on my head.

  • RomanHans

    I probably won’t buy the pants, but I’ll definitely go in for a fitting.

  • Sam

    How could you not get hard wearing those?? I need some support for my boy…It can’t be flopping around like that! Hopefully, the fabric stretches so you won’t rip a seam.

  • JNunzio

    Wow….watched the vid, and the peen pants aren’t even the worst option. Not personally into drag, but what she’s wearing at the end is probably the only thing I would wear in public…or private. I don’t think we’ll be seeing too much of her work on the Chueca boys!

  • Tessie Tura

    Umm… how would you size these things? “Excuse me, Miss, I need a pair of these in 30/32/8×6 with low hangers….”

  • Thom

    who the fuck would wear any of that crap in public, what a waste.

  • schlukitz

    I just watched the video. The Peen-pants were only a small part of the designer madness.

    And they laughed at Carmen Miranda for her fruit-basket headgear?

  • terrwill

    @RomanHans: D’ya ever see just who does those fittings?? You want 98year old guy with a fist full of pins and sharp sicciors near your junk??? : P

  • Disgusted American

    WTF…hey Im as open to trying new things – but that shit was awful!

  • nikko

    Batshit crazy design indeed!

  • Mike in Asheville, nee "in Brooklyn"

    TWO QUESTIONS:

    1) Where is the “behind the scene” video? The models’ trash talk has got to be hilarious.

    2) Has acid made a comeback and nobody told me?

  • schlukitz

    No. 16 · terrwill

    After checking that vid out, little wonder that the heteros think that we gays hate them. LOL

    Since no self-respecting gay person would be caught dead wearing any of that madness, it has to have been directed at a straight market.

  • LikesToComment

    Did you hear about the man with five penises? His pants fit him like a glove!

  • schlukitz

    No. 21 · LikesToComment

    I loved it.

    But then, I’m twisted. LOL

  • Greg

    Breathtaking. If only she’d made them available as daisy dukes and accessorized with a full-blown Vegas showgirl headpiece, then I’d want one in every color. Until then… meh.

  • Andrew

    Not at all my cup of tea. Watching the video, the clothes the models wore made them appear to have large growths sprouting out on their bodies.

  • stevenelliot

    UGH its like Bjork meets Vivian Westwood in some kind of nightmare head on collision.

  • Dirty Ole Man

    I wanna suck those Pants now!

  • 1EqualityUSA

    Dry cleaners would charge more.

  • terrwill

    About these pants, a question:

    > Do you still have to wear a condom?

    And a couple ‘o benefits:

    > Never have to worry about being caught with your pants down…

    > Nor worrry ’bout getting your member caught in the zipper…….

  • Ben

    Holy crap. This post was the epitome of “panties in a bunch”. If fashion bothers you, don’t follow it.

  • terrwill

    @Ben: If you had those pants on and your “panties were in a bunch”, I think it would be rather painfull!!…. : p

  • Lukas P.

    I need fashion advice: can I — or can I not — wear this gadget with my assless chaps? [HINT DU JOUR: if ya put’em on backwards they’re crotchless!].

  • Glasser

    I see Freddy Kruegers brother made it to the runway.

  • Kieran

    Well it’s certainly not something you’d wear to a job interview.

  • Endless Men

    @ Dirty Ole Man : LMAO

  • Smacker J.

    she should really ask for her money back from whatever design school she went to….this is just stupid, its material barfness…

  • schlukitz

    No. 36 · Smacker J.

    its material barfness…

    Not to mention a complete waste of material. ;P

  • ossurworld

    For the proud only….

  • Ken S

    haha– is it just me or did every one of those male models (whose faces you could see, anyway) look like they were thinking “fucking Katie, signing me up for this gig. Jesus Christ I look stupid. Oh god they’re taking pictures- I’ll never live this down! Please, please let the ceiling collapse and kill us all. Please? When will this be over!? At least I’m not wearing the penis pants… but I’d *rather* be wearing that sea-cucumber-lookin’ thing with the porthole to look out of so that everyone couldn’t see my face. Isabel *must* have stolen this shit from the costuming department of some no-budget sci-fi series– I bet the last person to wear this was ‘Background Alien #5.’ FUCKING Katie, you bitch!”

  • rodrigo

    wow I wouldn’t even wear anything in that collection by mistake!

  • dontblamemeivotedforhillary

    No-one wears what Fashionistas throw down the catwalk. Seriously, they are deluded about Fashion and it’s for the purpose of headlines and the way out of touch Women’s Wear Daily. Worst Fashion Week ever, send them back to the Jersey Shore!

  • Alison

    My husband is black: he’d never fit into those! Maybe he could have a pair specially enlarged to size…
    Alison :D

  • Alison

    Oh, another thought occurs: it would revolutionize the sizes. I couldn’t imagine a guy going into a store asking to buy a pair of trousers with a “small penis” rating. You’d have to re-name all sizes “big”, “huge” “humonguous” and “sideshow blimp”.
    Alison

  • schlukitz

    No. 45 · Alison

    Such is the nature of the male ego. LOL

  • Cam

    It’s just so sad. If you have to desperately try this hard to be edgy then you aren’t.

  • Ruddigore

    @Alison: It gives new meaning to “do these come in black?”

  • ossurworld

    Pants like these will help sales of Kleenex: for stuffing.

  • Dpan

    ??????:(

  • Charlie

    What kind of drugs is this designer on?? Who would wear that shit anyway?

  • james

    That’s hot. Finally someone is trying to make fashion which shows off the male penis. Who’s the idiot who wrote this article?

  • susan

    ~oh,those poor models! the penis pants were bad enough-but ALL the clothes were stupid!They were gorgeous guys 100% WASTED on such moldly-looking shite,covering them like ugly topiaries. lol -Tim Gunn would spaz out!
    ps: I swear my kid had that same stripe heart shirt when she was 10!

  • smile

    what’s this crap??? is it fashion? it is a piece of shit, and all clothes, that this bitch (isabel mastache) “created”… a monkey makes better!! if i shit the models face, and i’ll bang with a snowhovel, is already art too???

  • Klarth

    @Darren:

    OMG….did he really? I’m embarrassed.
    y’all need to read that article. Apparently we gays are responsible for having to put it on the left or the right side. We’re apparently tryin to wipe out all life by killing sperm counts with the restrictive gear.

    O..k…go get some fresh air, that dank is gettin’ to ya.

    Anyway, this is silly. I can’t tell if it’s an actual pouch or just fake junk on the outside, but you know no one will ever be allowed to walk around in public wearing something like this, just like some of the craziness they have women modeling. Why do designers do this crap?

    This wouldn’t fly on a fashion design reality show, and you know it.

  • freya

    I love them. I think I would die of happiness if I saw a guy walk down the street in these. Even better, a lady?

  • jimstoic

    I think you underestimate (or overestimate?) Lady Gaga.

  • Michael

    No surprise the guy wound up with the salad bar getting dumped on his head.

  • boredwell

    Mastaches’ trouser trajectories give a whole new meaning to “glad to meet you.” I wouldn’t wear the hats but they were cool.

  • linds

    omg lol i can’t imagine any man i know actually wanting to buy/wear these

  • richard

    I could never wear those pants.. The pouch is simply not big enough. I’d have the problem of overflow, or simply fall out of them…

  • Kieran

    OK, Would you wear or go our with someone who wore that shit? I would be way to embarrised as it is too big and too ugly!
    Also, For the penis trouser thing, Is the idea to put your cock and bolloks in there? Because, If so, What if you got a hard on, How embarrissing ha ha.

Comments are closed.