doubles match

Fun New Game May Destroy Your Testicles

ABC News (“your breaking news resource for top stories”) wants you to know about a hot new schoolyard game called “sack” or “ball tapping”. It involves punching guys in the nuts and posting videos of it online. Oh, and it can rupture your testicles—fun!

Guys are stupid. We watch The Three Stooges and pro wrestling and then do the same things to our friends. My fraternity brothers used to say “filthy monkey dipshit” and then hit each other in the dong all the time. I always figured they did it just to feel each other up in a socially acceptable way; after all, it’s OK to touch another man’s dick as long as you’re destroying it. But I never imagined that “filthy monkey dipshit” would turn into a viral nationwide fad played by schoolboys everywhere.

Strangely the expert quoted in the ABC story says the game is popular because guys wanna show how tough they are (it’s like a genital game of “chicken”). He also says young guys tend emulate crap they see online. But he fails to mention that guys just like seeing other dudes get hit in the nards. Just watch any episode of America’s Funniest Videos and you’ll see; 25 percent of the videos are of old men getting socked in the dinger with golf clubs.

The story’s presented as a health feature so concerned adults can keep stupid boys from rupturing each others’ testicles in violent homoerotic games. But it strikes me that boys play these dumb games in the first place because our culture reinforces this crap notion that men can’t share physical intimacy otherwise. Straight dudes don’t wanna look like pussies by hugging and getting all gay on each other, so instead they take out their frustrations of not allowing themselves to express healthy physical affection by smacking each other in the cock very, very hard.

It’s sad and dumb, but I did learn a fun fact. When testicles form, they descend from the stomach and take nerves from the abdomen with them. “That’s why when a guy gets hit in the balls, he feels it in his stomach as well,” some New York doctor says. I guess that’s also why my nuts feel tingly when I’m hungry for cock.