Sometimes attraction fades away, and sometimes it’s a cut-to-black, as Redditors in the r/askgaybros community can attest. In a thread on January 8, u/Spicedhero asked what actions or statements are an instant turnoff, and dozens of commenters weighed in with their boundaries.
Some of the stated deal breakers were simple and understandable — littering is obnoxious, objectively — and some were super specific. “They walk in the bathroom to ‘get ready’ and come out wearing an entire clown outfit,” one commenter wrote. “Surprise clownplay isn’t for everyone, fellas. It’s especially annoying when you decide to try it, and all they keep doing [is] their clown laugh during sex.”
Here are other no-nos, according to these Reddit users:
- Saying, “I’m straight, but I want to experience gay sex.”
- Saying, “I’m DL.” (One commenter points out, though, that “most gay guys start as DL. Be respectful.”)
- Being insensitive. “My ex once told me that I needed to get over my dead mother’s death. I left him alone after that, and he tried to apologize to me via FaceTime with another dude in the background. Boy, bye.”
- Talking about sex nonstop. “I get it, dudes be horny. But if you’re steering every conversation towards sex, I’m not going to waste my time. Hate it when I hit it off with a guy, and before long, he’s acting like I’m a Fleshlight instead of a prospective partner.”
- Being superficial. “When gay men only date someone based on looks. You can have a supermodel boyfriend who is immature [and] rude and [has] a bad attitude all the time. Is that someone you really want to be with?”
Related: Gays name guys’ most attractive non-physical attributes
- Judging. “I had a guy over at my place and the minute he came into the apartment he judged everything including myself, lol. He wasn’t there for a long time.”
- Asking “ParTy?” (with the capital “T” standing for methamphetamine).
- Discriminating. “I get turned off by profile descriptions on dating apps such as, ‘Not into fems, Asians, fats, twinks, [insert something else] etc.,’ ‘Straight acting, looking for same,’ ‘Don’t waste my time, don’t start the conversation with [insert phrase] because that is boring,’ [or] ‘I don’t answer to faceless profiles,’ while his profile only has torso pics. When I see such shitty personalities on profiles, I instantly ignore them, even if the pictures are hot.”
- Showing his top privilege. “When they start complaining about bottoms and how ‘clean’ they should be and that [it] is ‘disgusting’ when accidents happen. When I bottom, I love being clean… but when I top, I know that accidents could happen and what you should never do is shame someone for that.”
- Saying, “I still have feelings for my ex, I’m sorry.”
Related: What are the myths about being gay that the gays believe?
- Being immature. “When a grown man doesn’t know how to do basic adult tasks on their own. For example, maintaining work, paying bills, basic cooking, cleaning, and clothes washing.”
- Asking, “Scat play?”
- Saying he’s bored. “There is absolutely nothing wrong with taking time to sit on the couch and zone out, play video games, watch tv, etc., but there is a difference between making time to do that and just having the time to do that. The word ‘bored’ to me signals unmotivated, childish, uninteresting. If someone on an app says they are bored, I instantly lose interest.”
- Being rude to service staff.
- Saying, “Make America great again.”
Chrisk
Recently I’ve seen these profiles. I’m only here because I’m bored or the I’m not sure why I’m even here. Yeah, that’s some real excitement. Also the discriminatory profiles. Just reaks of negativity.
The down low and straight acting guys are an instant no for me. All it’s telling me that they have lots of issues to work through. Grow the eff up.
Being rude to service staff is an immediate ending of the date for me. Been there before.
Ronbo
I like masculinity on both gays and straights. Being gay, I behave in a way that meets my expectation. Flaming female-ish is fun but a definite turn-off. As soon as someone says “boi pu\zzsy” I’m out. Give me masculinity, muscle and confidence. A harry butt, low-hangers and a bit of swagger are the recipe for a good time.
doodier
I’m bored = I’m bored but too lazy to think for myself so why don’t you rattle off things we could do and I’ll let you know when you hit something I like.
rand503
That goes for anyone, gay or straight. I’ve known people who are always bored and really nothing interests them. I take that back — their religion is the only thing that interests them.
If you have only one thing in your life that interests you, be it your religion, your children, your job, or your dick, you are likely a very boring person, and I will stay away.
bachy
Being “bored” is a defense mechanism.
Justin
“Don’t check this often, feel free to find me on Instagram”
Where do I begin with this…
bachy
I can’t stand that. How many web portals do I need to access to exchange a text message with you?
bachy
“I don’t like small talk.” Ie, guys who can’t manage to generate a casual conversation. I don’t know about other dating apps, but OKCupid is not exactly like finding a potential boyfriend on a supermarket shelf and taking it on a date – even if both parties are game. There is at least some negotiation involved – and that requires a conversation. I don’t like people who act like making casual conversation is an affront. I once read that making small talk is like two animals making reassuring grunts to signal the other that it is safe to be near them.
You say something.
I say something.
You say something.
I say something.
That’s right, you can do it.
henare
This sometimes turns out to be wide swaths of the population. It’s very disappointing.
thisisnotreal
I can’t decide if I should feel personally attacked by this comment or not lol. I’m one of those people who hates small talk, but in my defense it’s NOT because I can’t do it, it’s because I don’t find it intellectually stimulating to engage in. I don’t want to talk about the weather, I don’t want to ask you how your day was, or many of the other basic “break the ice” topics. I want to skip all of that and jump to learning about your hopes, your dreams, your goals, your regrets, I want to know what makes you TICK. hearing you complain about your day, or the recent movies you’ve seen, or this amazing new restaurant you’ve tried, doesn’t tell me anything deep about you or encourage me to actually use my brain cells lol. to me small talk is mainly just used as an icebreaker and then I want to swiftly move on from it.
bachy
@thisisnotreal: please don’t take it as a personal attack. I think most people are bored by “small talk” if it’s the only thing on offer. But I also believe that to get a new person to open up and begin sharing themselves on a deeper level, small talk paves the way. It’s a strategy for spending time in proximity to a stranger and signaling that it’s ok, that you welcome their presence, and that you are not going to be antagonistic or mean-spirited. Small talk shows that you’re not just being nosy or trying to pull rank, or add to someone’s shitty day. It’s a gentle way sharing features, attitudes or characteristics in common in order to lay some groundwork for emerging trust between two, potentially interested parties. Small talk is respectful of boundaries and a form of good manners.
Man About Town
Once a guy contacted me on manhunt and said “I want you to come over and f**k me raw.” I looked at his profile & it said “HIV+, safe sex only.” So I asked him how he would reconcile this & he said “I’m making you an exception lol.” I then asked “So you want me to come over and get infected?” His response: “What’s with these tons of questions, man?” I guess I pleased him by immediately stopping the annoying questions.
Also on manhunt, it was not unusual to see profiles that said stuff like “Dating an amazing guy!!!” I asked one of them what the hell he was doing here & he said “I have freedom to play!!” Just nauseating.
Shortly after that, I wisely got the hell off manhunt. I’ve heard so many horror stories about grindr that I wouldn’t even look at it!
inbama
A guy is totally upfront about his HIV status, and you’re giving him grief?
As the old Henny Youngman joke goes, when you were born, the doctor should’ve slapped your mother.
tjack47
Starting a chat with, “I love fat, old men.” I nearly creamed my jeans.
sojerseybill
or addressing an obviously senior as ‘gramps’. To me that signals they are looking for someone gen.
RichAM
So back when I dated I can agree with about 95% of all that. My biggest deal breaker is lying. I’m into fur, back before cell phones, yea, I’m older, you would have to post an add in the BAR or a paper like that and I would say “I’m into fur, it’s a visual turn on for me” and these guys would show up with three hairs on their chest and say they were furry! NOPE. We all have our likes and dislikes but folks need to understand we are all attracted to a certain kind of man “type” wise and for me being as visual as any other man needed that to feel turned on. Maybe to some that’s very “basic” of me but when you know yourself there’s not allot you can do about what’s going to make Mr Happy go “BOING”. The rest of the list I’m right there with though.
SDR94103
I hate this shit.
Bengali
That’s you taking your opportunity to be heard and all you do is make a crude comment. Got it.
George Santos is available.
Terrycloth
There was a guy that started talking to me..he was kinda rude. We hadn’t exchanged names etc. So when he asked for my number I said ” it’s in the phone book ” he said ” but I don’t know your name ” I said “that’s in the phonebook too ” and walked off.
Bengali
Here’s mine and i see some of you including author share these sentiments:
1) Rude to any service person whether it’s cashier in market, at dry cleaner or restaurant staff from host/hostess to servers and bussers.
2) Having at least 24 hours notice that I’m coming over to see his place for the first time and it’s a complete mess. Countertops loaded with food stains, indoor trash bins full and smelly, cat box stinky a.f., entire place in disarray. No effort made to tidy up even a little. l
3) Sexual innuendos constantly about me and anyone they see making the “oooohhhh”
4) Obvious cruising while we’re out on a date.
5) Is heavily into TikTok and proud of it.
6) On phone constantly texting.
One of those above and we’re done. Oh – I’ve been single for 15 years. lol
rand503
Ditto on all accounts. You’d be surprised how many people, gay or straight, have filthy apartments or homes. I have seen too many to count, but it is ALWAYS disgusting. I don’t expect Hazel to clean keep your place spotless, but there is a minimal level any person can comply with.
If you can’t keep your place reasonably clean, it’s a clear indication of mental illness, in my book. I’ve seen it too often and it’s always person you want to stay the hell away from.
bachy
Yes. I’ve always felt that the order of your domicile is a reflection of the order within your mind.
winemaker
I didn’t see a couple of things that are deal breakers to most people: bad hygiene and bad breath or plain and simple, poor dental habits. There are lots more but I think that the way you present yourself and dress says a lot about your self esteem. That being said, also not being open when meeting someone for the first time when there are more plusses than minuses. Sadly many gay men are desparate to partner up and ignore many things thet are deal breakers only to get involved with the wrong person to avoid being alone. There’s nothing worse that settling on anything in life, be it a partner, job, what you’ll tolerate etc, the list is endless.
monty clift
“Discriminating. “I get turned off by profile descriptions on dating apps such as, ‘Not into fems, Asians, fats, twinks, [insert something else] etc.,’”
Don’t make me laugh. If this is what you call discrimination then maybe you’re not ready for sex/dating. Also the “insert something else” seems to be code for the big elephant in the room which is the obnoxious T/women infesting gay male dating apps. Gay men should not feel obligated to date homophobic incels who want to ape at being us.
Diplomat
Discrimination. If i put wanted: white muscular hot jock, is that discrimination?
kamirX
It is, but only if you are white. In gay culture, only non white men can express a sexual/romantic preference for white men (which they often do).
jpoppinga
A long time ago when the Earth was young and gay, I realized for whatever reason in choosing a bed partner a person has a right to be true to himself and pick someone he’s comfortable with. That being said take a chance. Just look a the pairings in the gay world or the straight world. SMH.
RIGay
Not into guys who think it’s appropriate to fart when ever they need to where ever they need to. One thing when one slips out during sex, but at the dinner table? You not an adolescent – grow up. If you have to let one rip, excuse yourself and go into the bathroom.
linedrive
I’m with you! Good manners in general are most welcome.
Saskatchewan
We keep it very real up here in farmland.
Honesty, Sincerity and big feet are important 🙂
John
I’ve given up on the apps. No one has anything to say. No one is interested in getting to know anyone. I don’t get why they signed up.
JJinAus
Back in my horror olden days dating, so many things. Fixer uppers. Bad hygiene. “I’ve been hurt and I don’t want to get hurt again”. Guys who said 26 was too old. OK, I was 34, but 26 is too old? I wonder how they are now 26 years later. Met a nice guy in a club and went on a date the next week. He was at pains to tell me he was a raging alcoholic. Nice that he disclosed, but it kinda ruined the date. I did get fussy in the end. Drivers licence was non-negotiable. Why should I be your taxi? Anyway, I did get lucky. Licence and a car – plus a whole lot more – 22 years and counting.