On this Martin Luther King, Jr. weekend, and after my 1960s-era interaction over the holidays with dated, narrow-minded views, I’ve thought more about a few simple concepts I hope my toddler boys can internalize as young as possible (though they’re concepts some — or many — adults are incapable of understanding.)
So a few concepts to share with my two kids:
Boys: you are white. By the luck of your skin color, you’re pre-set for success.
You will not know what it means to grow up “of color” in your country.
I need you to try to understand four things:
1. You will not be racially profiled over and over and over again. You will never know the frustration of being eyed suspiciously in a store, in a restaurant or on the street. “Stop and Frisk”, no matter how effective it might have deterred crime, will only ever be an inconvenience for you, not harassment.These elements of harassment are very, very, very frustrating for Black people and anyone who might be a regular subject. But you will never know what it feels like. Count yourself lucky.So you must have empathy for those who are the targets. You don’t walk in their shoes. You can’t tell them how to react or how to feel.
2. When forming your opinions about people, you can’t prosecute an entire population due to the behavior of one. Comments like “they’re lazy, they’re dangerous, they’re disrespectful” will have no place in our household about any group of people. Plenty of people of all colors are lazy, dangerous or disrespectful. But most people aren’t. You can’t even say “those people”. Would you want your entire preschool to be judged by the actions of one little jerk who steals the blue paint?
3. It’s not about skin color, because racial issues are scapegoats for socio-economic issues. What on earth do I mean by that? Poor people are often driven to do bad things to survive in our country. It’s not because they’re Black, or Asian, Latino or White. It’s because they want to have what you have: food, warmth, a few toys. It’s not because of their skin color. It’s because of money. But because of the actions of a few desperate people, an entire population is found guilty. And that’s wrong.
4. The system is stacked against poor people. Some kids don’t do well in school, but it’s not because of their skin color. It’s because of a whole host of reasons: they have underfunded schools, they didn’t eat breakfast, no one ever read to them like I read to you. Some teens drop out of school not because of their skin color. It’s because they don’t have the educational background or support at their house to strive for greater academic achievement. Some parents can’t give successful tools to their kids, but that’s unrelated to their skin color. They never had those tools in the first place, because they weren’t born into a lucky position with support and resources. It’s a repeating cycle throughout generations. But it’s about economics, not race.
Boys: you can strive to empathize, listen and study. But it’s not easy to judge the behavior of other people, because you don’t know what it’s like to walk in their shoes on a tired, hungry, harassed, beaten-down day.
So give credit, treat with respect, and listen to understand, not just to respond.
And try to see the world from others’ perspectives. You’ll understand a lot more about people and about yourself.
Gavin Lodge is a Broadway performer, father and blogger. This essay was first published on Daddy Coping In Style.
MensUnderwear
Hi Gavin Lodge,
“So give credit, treat with respect, and listen to understand, not just to respond.”
Really wonderful and heart touching blog. I thoroughly enjoyed it.
VampDC
This article has potential. But it seems like the father only sees race as “black or white” and doesn’t tell his kids that in todays date racism and prejudice doesn’t know any one race.
I also thought the “stop and frisk” comment wasn’t very smart to add into this. As a New Yorker who has lived through September 11th, I am fine with ANY officer who decides to do an extra check on me (which has happened) – I’d rather us be safe than sorry!
Blackceo
Wonderful dad who acknowledges his white privilege and explains to his kids that the system isnt equal for all and that they will have many advantages not afforded to others.
Stop and Frisk is bullshit because if u look at that little thing called empirical evidence, what was actually caught from a stop and frisk as opposed to how much and who they stopped didn’t make it a sensible program.
SportGuy
This dad is awesome. Wish all parents were like him.
onthemark
@VampDC: You can’t be serious. Stop & Frisk is about that supposedly evil awful “drug” called marijuana, which white people never ever ever go to jail for.
Also, the Stop & Frisk policy predates 9/11 by a decade.
Desert Boy
Didn’t Queerty feature this gay dad on a previous thread about parenting?
onthemark
@Desert Boy: You might be mistaken because apparently every gay dad on earth has a blog.
(Kidding. No, you’re not mistaken, they did feature this guy before.)
Kieran
The usual politically correct preaching by privileged whites like Lodge is getting rather tiresome. Why do I only see caucasian children around him—-and caucasian boys at that? Why hasn’t he adopted an under-priviledged black child and given her a chance at a better life? Having a black sister in the home would teach his sons real and valuable lessons about racial and gender harmony.
Blackceo
@Kieran:
Are u seriously criticizing this man’s adoption choices. No one should be pressured or criticized when it comes to what child they decide to adopt. I hope the dad in this article doesn’t read your comment but if he does I hope he cusses your ass out.
Alan down in Florida
“Boys: you are white. By the luck of your skin color, you’re pre-set for success.”
Whereas I appreciate his plan to teach his toddlers about white privilege and the difficulties non-whites have in our society, this comment presumes all white people are successful and that they are entitled to success due to skin color.
As Rachel Maddow would say “horse puckey.”
Milk
@VampDC: Because you are fine with it does not mean it should be a blanket law to do to everyone. Personal freedom and liberty are the essential ingredient living in a democratic society. Without cause police often stop and frisk base on their own prejudices. Where have you been? Have you not been around when those black folks were slaughtered by the police? Why should we who champion human rights and democracy should yield to the threat of terrorists? How much longer are we going to be psychologically held hostage by them? Personal freedom and privacy must be priority in a democratic society. I’m okay being nude does not mean I’m leaving my door open and let any stranger come in to my home to be gawk at. Personal freedom means personal space. Why should I subject my body and my being to the police to be physical touch at their will?
jwtraveler
@Kieran: @Alan down in Florida: As usual, no matter how much someone tries to do and say the right things in this world, there are always a group of do-nothings with nothing else to do but criticize. This guy is not God or Moses or Buddha or any other deity or paragon of virtue. He has no obligation to be a perfect individual, but he is someone with a keen understanding of the realities of the world and his place in it. He is trying to teach his children about those realities so they will grow up to be intelligent, compassionate and caring adults.
He is not without flaw or fault, but his lesson to his kids should be heard by every kid in this country, not to mention their parents and our governmental leaders, those people who believe that the solution to the problems in this country is to blame the victims of injustice for their victimization and injustice.
jwtraveler
@VampDC: You don’t say what you’re race is, but I assume you’re white. It’s always easy for the people who are not victims of injustice to feel that the injustice committed against others is reasonable. I doubt that you’d feel the same if you were being targeted for suspicion by the authorities on a regular basis.
Blackceo
@jwtraveler:
Exactly. These are also the people who have “stop playing the race card” on repeat. If u r tired of hearing it imagine how people of color feel living it??
Clark35
@Blackceo: very true. The dad is playing the race card.
jwtraveler
@Kieran: @Blackceo: His kids aren’t adopted.
joeyty
What will the father tell his kids when Indian-Americans keep whipping their butts in the spelling bees ?
SnakeyJ
So being non-white doesn’t make you a monster, being poor does.
This guy is ill-informed and smug. He’s replacing one prejudice with another. Very elitist way of thinking.
joeyty
@SnakeyJ: What do you expect from a guy named Gavin Lodge ? In those sunglasses. Who inherited so much money he doesn’t have to work.
joeyty
@SnakeyJ: And did you ever see a blog more evil ? “..catering to stylish dads..” Good heavens ! I know his type completely : a transplant-to-NYC who looks down on firemen.
Bob LaBlah
“You will never know the frustration of being eyed suspiciously in a store,”
He should have ended that paragraph with “if you ever feel that you are continuously being look at in that way every time you go into a store then find another store. NEVER kiss anyone’s ass to do nothing else but take your money.” At least that is what I advise to all, race be damned.
UltimateSin
I’m impressed. Normally when I’ve had conversations even close to this with gay people who also happen to be white, their first stance is that of defensiveness and denial. He must be a diamond in the rough.
joeyty
“You will never know the frustration of being eyed suspiciously in a store.” Now his brats will be more confident when they go into a store and fill their pockets.
Brian
I personally think this father’s advice is over-the-top. He appears to assume that whites are privileged but blacks aren’t. On the contrary – blacks seem to get away with things that white can’t. Why do blacks have their own radio stations, for instance? Why are black rappers and hip-hop acts allowed to get away with sexist and homophobic lyrics but whites aren’t?
As for profiling of blacks, it does occur. But blacks bring it on themselves with their criminal choices. Look at Chicago, for Pete’s sake. Blacks choose to perform many criminal acts over there. Black-on-black violence is notorious, too.
Yes, blacks were appallingly treated during the slave years. Today, they are sometimes targeted unfairly by police in potentially life-threatening ways. This has to stop. But today there also seems to be an era of black privilege.
TheNewEnergyDude
Not just white on black, or black on white, or on yellow, green or whatever.
There are bad people of every color everywhere. But there also good ones.
It would be so nice of everyone could just respect wonderful, vibrant colors and not be shitheads.
Colors of every rainbow are wonderful.
maxpsfund
I fore one cannot for the life me understand how anyone follows the mass murderer god (2 Kings 2-24 just one example of god’s murderous ways) I know no greater evil than religion and it’s followers.
Captain Obvious
@Brian: Nice one, Lil Hitler. Lay off the meth.
martinbakman
Would be great if all fathers would teach this.
darian
He seems to be raising well rounded individuals.
Alistair Wiseman
Politically correct leftist drivel. Child abuse comes in many forms.
1EqualityUSA
Hey! Alistair! Look what the cat dragged in. Trump’s daddy was a member of the Ku Klux Klan, so maybe you do have somebody in that pile of mess you call Republicans to whom you can relate. The GOP is a disaster.