The latest video from LA-based, YouTube comic Michael Henry has prompted a large amount of debate around “heteronormative” relationships and why some same-sex couples choose to marry.
In the sketch, a pal informs Michael that two of their mutual acquaintances are going to wed.
Michael is shocked: one of the friends in question only came out as gay a couple of years previously. Both Michael and his pal have been out for years but neither are anywhere near getting married or even sure if they want to be.
Related: This is how Michael Henry’s dad reacted when he came out as gay
This leads Michael to suggest that people who come out later in life seem more likely to rush into adopting a heteronormative relationship as it’s something they’re more used to.
He also wonders why society pressures everyone—gay and straight—to adopt the same sort of relationship template.
When his friend tells him he lies to his parents so they don’t know about his sex life, Michael admits, “I lie or don’t tell the full truth about my gay romantic life to my straight friends too because I’m too afraid it’s gonna sound too different to theirs, and I don’t want to be made to feel I’m living some sort of abnormal life.”
Michael and his friend conclude that some gay people want to settle in monogamous relationships, while others want “multiple dicks at 1am.” And neither should be considered more normal or better than the other.
Related: WATCH: How often does a bottom need to top to call himself versatile?
The video has prompted many comments.
“I have always felt that the best thing about being gay is that we get to create/define our own unique relationships,” said @GrightRight. “Mine isn’t the hetero one you describe here or this one gay example. But it is mine and I love that I can be me, and as different as I want to be.”
“Does doing something that the majority of people do automatically make it heteronormative, simply because most people are straight?”, asked @Philigan87, who says he and his other half are on the house and marriage route. “But when can we, as queer people, take ownership of that lifestyle? When will it cease to be the sole property of straight society?”
Sebastian F raised a different, if not rather depressing, point. “I do agree that there’s pressure to get married and have children. Yes, because of heteronormativity. But, also for pragmatic reasons. I feel as though society (at least American society) prioritizes marriage simply because our social welfare system doesn’t offer adequate healthcare and even care for the elderly.”
Another YouTuber, Fernando’s Drum, offered a relatable comment: “My mother always asks me: ‘Have you been on any dates recently? Met any nice guys’?…but I don’t have the heart to tell her about the hundreds of anonymous hookups I’ve been getting haha so I just answer ‘No’…which makes her think I must be lonely…but I’m very satisfied getting my faceless loads, and not having a boyfriend. But it’s hard to explain that to straight people!”
Do you feel pressure to lie to straight people, or even other LGBTQ people, about your romantic life because you don’t want them to judge you?
Cam
Except there are other considerations, a spouse is entitled to the benefits of the deceased spouse. A spouse doesn’t have to worry about some 3rd cousin coming in and trying to steal the house they bought together because their relationship isn’t recognized, a spouse has automatic hospital visitation and decision making authority where a “Partner” can be kept out by family. Spouses can share finances without getting nailed by gift taxes, Spouses can go on each others insurance, etc..
Dymension
Yep!
Toofie
Exactly!
Scribe38
? I’ve been with my guy for 25 plus years. I didn’t want a big wedding, don’t want kids. What I wanted was legal protections and the right to decide his medical care if needed. Also want him to get my pension or me to get his after death
gaym50ish
You are absolutely right. It has little to do with appearing “normal” and EVERYTHING to do with acquiring the rights and benefits of marriage under at least 1,100 federal laws and hundreds of state laws. Laws pertaining to Social Security, veterans benefits, immigration, inheritance, property rights and hundreds of other things were written to favor married couples. Even outside the law, if you’re not married you can’t even get the family membership at the gym or avoid the second-driver charge on a car rental.
wikidBSTN
I’d only marry for the money 😉
Donston
Marriage is definitely a political and “hetero-normal” construct. But I really don’t like this trend of a percentage of queers constantly shitting on love and commitment. When I see stuff like that it just screams that that person has their own set of internalized phobias, traumas, insecurities and bitterness. Different people have different priorities and different ways to tackle life. This is the problem with not respecting how varied and individual people are. Someone having the same identity as you doesn’t equate to having the same lifestyle or priorities or ideas about love and commitment and marriage. While a lot of people who constantly criticize marriage are the first ones to hop on the marriage train when they feel they’ve fallen in love with someone of their preference who reciprocates their feelings. It also goes back to the gender, sexual, affection, romantic, emotional investment, relationship comfort, commitment thing. Homosexual, homo-romantic, homo-affectionate, homo-commitment are all different things and spectrums.
Folks also need to remember that just because someone isn’t “out” doesn’t mean that they haven’t had longterm relationships on the low. So, it may seem like a rush when it’s not. While some people are only really “out” when they want to settle into a commitment. However, yes, marriage is a political, sociological, financial and ego indulgence. It’s not always entirely driven by “love”. It was never designed to be mostly about “love”.
cc423
My partner an I married after our very right wing account told us we should for the benefits. Oh… and we love each other.
Heywood Jablowme
This is a male “problem” and the guy who wants “multiple d*cks at 1 am” is, undoubtedly, fairly young.
As he gets older, through his 30s, he’ll find out how all those d*cks become harder to get! Even if he’s rich, it becomes more and more difficult to make all those d*cks magically appear.
Statistically, gay men “settle down” at older ages than straight men do, but that should be no surprise to anyone.
Donston
It is indeed more the case for dudes. As I mentioned, some guys aren’t even legit “out” until they’re ready to settle down. However, some guys never become interested in legit “settling down”. And that’s fine. While some “queer” males eventually settle into a hetero commitment because they don’t want to raise a child with someone of their sex or self-misandry or because they see homo commitment/marriage as lesser than and was always mostly into dudes for sex, parties, money, etc. On the flip side, some guys spend their youth hooking up with random folks of whatever sex because of fluidity, hyper-sensitive sexuality, ego, sociology but eventually settle down with someone of their sex when those things don’t matter as much to them. Some dudes are unwilling to settle down because they’re so focused on the type of guys who don’t truly want them (“straight” dudes, overall hetero-leaning guys, guys out of their league looks-wise). And some dudes just can’t find nobody.
Like so much other stuff, this is a complicated and individual topic that’s greatly connected to dimensions, priorities, psychology, sociology, the gender, sexual, affection, romantic, commitment spectrum. It can’t be broad-stroked.
andrewl
This is an interesting topic. I certainly agree that no one should feel pressured or judged into the ‘hetro normative’ life be you gay, straight or bi. However as I have gotten older (mid 50’s now) and in a said hetro-normative trlationship for 16 years after 2.0 years of hooking up, I am personally thankful that I have someone who is my intimate companion. Intimate just does not mean sex but someone I can open up to about deepest fears, weirdest ideas and total grief. I have great friends of many years but as we get older they have their own lives and issues. I find it difficult to imagine getting through all of the farewells as beloved parents, aunts, uncles and friends have passed away alone without my partner to lift me up. Also equally important at times, my partner brings me back down to earth when perhaps a friend may not. I guess what I am trying to say is that I think it’s important as you get older to find someone (singular or multiple) that you can forge these deep intimate bonds or I suspect you could feel very alone as time goes by.
GayEGO
My partner and I were together for 42 years and then Massachusetts passed the marriage equality law in 2004 and we got married. I decided in 1961 that I would find a partner and be together because of love. We married to receive the benefits like other married couples regardless of their gender. We already had a relationship and marriage did not change that.
crazyoldman
Hubby and I got married for the tax benefits. We celebrated 12 years together the day before our wedding in 2015. We are an older couple as I turn 71 soon and he is 56. When one of us dies the other does not have to pay a “gift tax” on half of the property that non-married couples have to pay. Non-married couples are considered legal strangers when they hold stuff together and pay a gift tax. This is true even if you leave stuff in a Last Will and Testament. In some States a gift tax is as high as 50%
Hank31
A truly warped subculture impugns the motives of those who marry while celebrating loveless hookups with complete strangers on Grindr.
Dymension
Hear, hear!
rickywintour
Aww don’t cry because you can’t get nobody you ugly nasty troll
Dymension
I certainly did not do it to impress anyone. I did it for legal protections.
johncp56
Basic common sense, same for both hetero and gay, many people get married for the wrong/right reasons it is what it is, we are the same people, when it comes to personalites lol
Donston
Everyone feels pressures to “conform”. And everyone has different ambitions and motivations. I don’t think many “queers” are entering same-sex marriages primarily to appease the “straight world”.
svustabler
I had a good friend who was a lesbian in college. We mused that if this was the 50s, we’d marry. We would have four kids. I’d eventually become a senator and as my wife, she’d use her kooky Bohemian style to become a fabulous Washington hostess. I would have a chief of staff who was very “loyal” (wink, wink) and she would be very “good friends” (wink, wink) with her social secretary.
Heywood Jablowme
Alice Roosevelt Longworth would have invited all of you to her parties!
scotty
we got married and do not give any fs what anyone else gay or straight may think or thought about it. to suggest oterwise demeans us all.
hotdogla
Is it normal for married hetero people to be on dating apps?
stan2015
This pandemic has made me “Not give a s&*t about what others think of me”. As long as I am not hurting anyone I live my life for me.