What to expect when you’re expecting… a third bed partner! A Reddit user recently asked other gays what “rules and things” he and his partner should discuss before they embark on their first threesome.
He and his beau already have some talking points — e.g. whether to call upon an acquaintance or a stranger, if the “unicorn” should stay the night, what should be off the table, and how to address jealousy during the ménage à trois.
Related: This couple’s addiction to nonstop threesomes nearly ended their relationship
And commenters on the thread contributed their, ahem, hard-earned wisdom. “[Here’s] what me and the hubs do, rule-wise,” one wrote. “Condoms are a must for anal. No one person gets more treatment than the other. Kissing is predetermined prior to meetup. Sometimes it a yes, others it’s a no, and same with rimming. We have done friends but prefer not to and create a f*ckbud instead, as it has a chance to change the friendship for worse. Also, learn the difference between sex and love. That has helped us out the most.”
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Another user pointed out, though, that rules can be interpreted differently, and that constant communication can be a relationship-saver. “PLAN to f*ck it up [and] be willing to keep open your communication channels. As an example, the stranger/known thing: I see that cute guy at McDonald’s every morning… Is he a stranger or someone I know? You might think one thing, and he might think another.”
“Also, post-care is important,” that same commenter added. “Your ‘jealous during’ item, as an example. In the heat of the moment, you might let something slide because it isn’t THAT critical but you might not want your partner to ever do that thing again because it made you uncomfortable.”
Related: This 1972 author predicted gay rights, non-monogamy, and maybe even Grindr
And a third commenter added “repeat performances” to the list of talking points — i.e. bringing the same unicorn back for an encore or three. “Talk about it first and see how you feel, but revisit it after to see if either of your feelings changed. Talk about everything every step of the way, basically.”
After all, there’s more than one reason they call it “opening up” a relationship, right?
PLAYS WELL WITH OTHERS
To each their own…..
However the the most amazing special part about being in a committed relationship is that you’re the only person out of the
billions of people in the world who can be with that one special person
I could never picture nor put up with my lover having another person’s cuck in his mouth or vice a versa…..
bodie425
I agree with you but I think we’re going the way of the dinosaur. And, that might be for the best. Monogamous coupling has an “ownership” quality to it that I don’t think is healthy in this day and age. But, monogamous is how I think and that’s the way it’ll stay for me and my BF. (I know that’s how my BF thinks.)
cubcmh
Don’t just communicate between you, communicate these “rules” to your third, so they don’t have the wrong idea/expectations, either.
Chris
This is a difficult subject to discuss because there are as many opinions about it as there are people discussing it. The only thing I can do is say what has worked for my husband and me and hopefully help someone out who is considering this.
My husband and I had been living together for a year when I decided to gently bring the subject up. Our sex life had been off the charts and I was no way dissatisfied, however I knew that at some point, especially years down the road, it’s possible that things might change and we both occasionally might want something different. To my surprise he told me that he had been thinking along the same lines, but had just been afraid to bring the subject up. As we discussed it that evening this is what we thought might work for us;
First off, the only hard and fast rules that we were to only play together, we both must be in the mood to have someone over and we both must agree on the person. If one of us was not in the mood then the other person had to respect that without any attitude. If one of us did not agree on the guy to bring over the other person had to respect that without any attitude. Aside from that we did not put any other rules in place. We decided that as things progress we would make decisions on rules as we went along.
In the beginning it was a little difficult as we felt our way through it with each of us being comfortable on how we might find a person to join us. We had a few missteps and a few arguments, but eventually we agreed on what was acceptable or not acceptable, especially in a club or bar environment where it was possible for one of us to make an initial contact without the other person being present.
I am older than my husband, definitely the alpha and primarily a top. He is primarily a bottom and I find myself extremely protective of him. Please do not confuse the statement as my being controlling, just protective. At first we only had other bottoms over because he was wanting to become more experienced in topping. This did come something as a little surprise to me because he preferred for me to primarily be the top. Wanting to give him something that he wanted I agreed and actually enjoyed watching him top other guys. The first time we had another top over, however, I found myself feeling a certain way seeing another guy inside of him. It was not necessarily a jealousy issue, but my protective nature coming out. Appreciated the fact that he was enjoying it, but I almost felt like he was being invaded and I needed to protect him. I sat down and discussed this with him and he admitted that he had the same issue watching me top another guy. He enjoyed watching me enjoying myself, however he was feeling the same protective way. In the end we decided to relax about it and just let it flow. Things eventually evolved to the point to where I actually enjoyed watching him bottom and he enjoyed watching me top. We basically felt like it was our own personal porn movie starring our favorite porn star (each other).
I can honestly say that we’ve never had any jealousy at all when we have had someone over. We are both secure in our relationship and 100% trust the other person. I can also honestly say that this has not caused either one of us to straighten our relationship. I believe that by agreeing to play together, and only together, it has quelled the possibility of a misstep on either of our parts.
I imagine that I will hear from some haters on this who believe only in 100% monogamy. In principle I would have to agree, however I have lived some life and been around the block a few times and know that even with the greatest of intentions things could happen. I would rather work out a way to play with another person only with my husband rather than deal with a minor misstep on either one of our parts.
RandomGuy
Sounds like a recipe for disaster.
michael_totzke
KIss. Of. Death.
derek mcgillicuddy
Will someone explain the allusion to the unicorn for me? It’s either unobvious or I’m thick.
Kangol2
It’s actually a common term for the third person in a ménage à trois (Google “unicorn” “menage a trois” “Glamour,” etc.), and the metaphor works several ways: 1) the unicorn is that super-special (i.e. fantasized over and almost magical) person/guy who’s invited into the couple’s bed; 2) the unicorn is special because he’s not there to start a relationship with either person, though it could become a triad/throuple; and 3) he’s adding a nice, delectable pole (the single “horn”) or bottom into the bed as well. I hope that’s helpful.
ingyaom
Also – unicorns don’t really exist.
Chrisk
How about just honesty. I find that the most lacking in relationships.
Chris
Interesting how my comments seem to have disappeared. Hmmmmm?
MISTERJETT
my rule is we won’t be doing that
michel_banen
100% agree. Monogamy rules ! I’ve been with my 1st boyfriend for nearly 23 years now and the trust and safety of that is what I love and cherish so much.
djmcgamester
Here’s the thing. If we want what they (straight people) have, we do as they do. I very briefly had an open relationship in the past – we were together for years, this was a brief sidestep – and it wasn’t all that great. If my intent is to just screw around I can have a regular FWB and we can do threesomes, foursomes, etc to our hearts content. That’s how I see things. I want marriage and that comes with certain responsibilities.
j41005
Well said
j41005
If you’re in a loving and committed relationship, why do you need a third party? Is it to “spice things up”? Isn’t there other, safer ways? Every time I read articles or see a movie that involves a threesome it’s because of boredom in the bedroom. And most often, it ruins a relationship.
For me, I think if you want to experience a threesome it should be before you commit to a relationship.