An Atlanta man says all the guys he dates are “garbage” and he hates them, so he’s seeking advice from Mike Fleming at Project Q.
“I am a gay man, but I hate men,” the letter begins. “The only thing they end up being good for is sex, yet I still want just one to buck the stereotype and change my life.”
The man goes on to say he has a great network of female friends who he gets along with splendidly. But when it comes to men, he has zero luck.
“My interactions with guys have been universally awful from day one,” he writes. “I never met my father, who by all accounts was a dick, and my stepfather was a creep who regularly degraded women he saw on the street.”
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In other words: No great male role models growing up. Got it.
The man continues by saying that he lost his virginity to a guy who was on the DL and only wanted him for sex. And none of his other relationships after that were much better.
“The next guy was a series of cross-country liaisons that went nowhere,” he laments. “Another dude eventually revealed that his real job was basically a pimp. Yet another drunk-dialed me to say he loved me, then broke up with me the next day when I reminded him what he said.”
He concludes by writing: “Now I am older, guys are still idiots, dicks or both, and I still feel alone. I want to be able to love one man and have some faith that he won’t be garbage. Is that even possible?”
In his response, Fleming begins by telling the man that the problem might not be the guys he dates; the problem might be him.
“Everyone of every gender identity can be selfish, or train wrecks, or just not a good fit,” he explains. “Your trouble appears to be that you seek out mismatches, even if subconsciously.”
Fleming says the man might be anticipating mismatched love connections so much that he’s turning into his own self-fulfilled prophecy.
“Your letter even exposes a piece of internal dialogue that lumps you in with all the other inherently terrible bad seeds because you happen to be male,” he writes. “Perpetuating this fallacy not only has you ignoring guys who aren’t actually awful people, but it leaves you helpless with the feeling that you don’t deserve better.”
So what’s the solution? For starters, an attitude adjustment might help.
“All men are not worthy of your disdain, just as all women aren’t worthy of worship,” Fleming says. “It may take professional help and internal work to get there. … Defining people solely by their gender is not only harmful but just plain inaccurate.”
What advice would you give this guy? Share your pearls of wisdom in the comments section below.
Smith David
Guuuuuurll…get in line. The line starts waaaaaaaaayyyy in the back. Mmmkay!
djhavyk
See, I run into this all the time out there in the community. Guys go after the wrong guys because they’re attracted to a “certain type” or have these lofty expectations and then get their hearts broken. More often than not: if a guy looks like a player who just wants to sleep around, that’s what he’s after. You don’t rescue a dog and then blame it for not being a cat. So why get butt-hurt if you’re after something more than he is? And once they get that bitter queen chip on their shoulders, the good guys won’t go anywhere near them because they don’t want to deal with all that extra drama, baggage, and prejudice…and who can blame them?!?!?!
Solely based off the limited information here, I would bet money that this guys needs some professional therapy to deal with some of his daddy issues before he can find a good man. I’ve been in therapy 3 times–and two of those were just because I wanted to understand myself and motivations a bit better. I love therapy! …well, if you have a good therapist, of course. I’m in my 40’s now and I understand what I want, why I want it, and how my actions help/hurt attaining it. There’s real power in being in command of yourself instead of a slave to your emotions and haunted by your past.
His daddy issues are probably causing him to go after the wrong guys, have unrealistic expectations for a relationship, or something along those lines. Hell, he might even want to question why finding someone is so important to him anyway! Anyone who thinks their problems are always someone else’s fault, like this guy, are usually the one with the problem. Just saying…
Donston
I agree with most of this post. Dating in general is tough. But constantly looking outward and looking for someone else to blame is not healthy and often is a sign that you yourself have some issues to work on. However, I don’t want to entirely blame the guy. “Queer” men in particular seem to have greater problems when it comes to intimacy, dealing with past trauma and mental health, with internalized homophobia, with completely understanding themselves and what they want, and issues with their ego. You do need to dissect what is going on with you before you can expect to find a suitable, fulfilling partner. And a lot of people aren’t willing to commit to that extensive of a self-investigation.
Thad
I wonder how many of us reading this think, “I would be your friend.” Probably quite a few.
j41005
Yep
Cam
The one thing all of his failed relationships have in common. Him.
frankcar1965
Yep, maybe he’s the train wreck, it sure sounds like it. Although gays always look for greener grass, better looking, more money who they know etc.
stan2015
Then then stop going to dumps
jlicks
I have found that so many men that I heard say that all men are Trash turned to be garbage themselves.
I am happy to say that I have met quit a few great men.
Prax07
Kind of agree with the guy, at least when it comes to men in my area. Most are just looking for sex, they’re not out, they’re married and looking, etc. The ones that do want more, taking that from their profiles, are just gross physically. It’s a wide sea of guys but the pickings are really slim.
1898
“The ones that do want more . . . are just gross physically”
or maybe you’re being too superficial or maybe you have unrealistic expectations?
1898
he needs counseling
yes, there are lots of jerks in the world, but there are just as many who aren’t jerks. in my experience it’s 50/50. if 100% of the guys he dates are jerks, he’s choosing the wrong guys to date, and that’s indicative of a bigger problem he needs to work on
garybw
You have to be a good man to get one
nunya
AMEN!
garybw
And secondly you got yo shit in a garbage bag – photo’s are worth a million words
1898
pretty sure that’s just a stock photo to illustrate the story and not an actual photo of the guy who wrote to the columnist
Donston
Like a lot of “queer males” he has gotten caught up using women as protection and as a fall back and gotten caught up in bashing men wholesale. So many men have got to stop doing that. It is true that depending on your location it can be difficult to find a suitable male partner who is out, not ashamed of their same sex love and affections and is legitimately into you. While it can be difficult for guys to truly love another guy, especially if he’s still contending with confusions or internalized homophobia or mental health struggles. But the fact that this dude seems to have been resenting men for a long time hints that he contends with some degrees of self-misandry and perhaps internalized homophobia. That’s something you have to get rid of. You’ve also got to ask yourself what it is about you that is attracting “trash” and what makes you get with men who are “trash”. Lastly, when you’re a guy looking for a same sex relationship you have to accept that you are competing with good looks, nice bodies, money, big dicks and hetero normalcy. That’s just the reality of it.
Aires the Ram
Exactly Donston. I also gleaned from the article that he had a lot of man-hating feminists in his early life, who professed that no man is no good, just to put is simply. As a young boy/man, he absorbed this, and consequently has major trust issues with the male of the species. I have found in my many years of being ‘out’ and knowing many many homosexual men, that if they surround themselves with female “friends”, and were raised predominantly by females, that they have terrible problems forming meaningful and positive friendships and love relationships with men, who are men, and who have had positive male role models in their lives. I don’t know if there’s any solution for this guy. All of this is so very deeply ingrained into his upbringing.
GayEGO
I was fortunate to find my lifetime partner of 57 years. I was determined to have, as they use to call it, a lover, so I went looking and after seeing him 3 times at a gay bar where our eyes looked at each other, I asked a friend who knew him to introduce us. From that time on, there was a bonding and we made it through some bumpy times but love won.
mz.sam
Despite of it all, here’s one for team optimism with one presidential Democratic candidate and Afghanistan war veteran who met and married a wonderful school teacher.
glennmcbride
If the picture at the top of the page is the guy who is complaining that men are garbage, maybe if he didn’t look like he was taking out the garbage, he might meet a better class of man. He needs a makeover if he wants someone to take him seriously.
1898
it’s a stock photo
ShowMeGuy
Smells like a story on Reddit.
Devan
I must have the same issues because I related to like 98% of this hard core. Interesting responses too. Don’t know if I agree with much of them but worth pondering on none the less.