A gay man has appealed to syndicated columnist Dear Abby for some social advice. The middle-aged man wants to know why he doesn’t have more straight friends.
“I am a 47-year-old gay man.” the reader, identified only as “Curious in Oklahoma,” writes. “I’m well-educated, but there’s something I can’t figure out. Why do straight guys NOT want to be friends? I never hit on them, I enjoy a lot of the same pastimes like games, working on cars, etc. I want to be transparent, but when I tell them upfront, they disappear.”
“Sometimes it gets back to me that they thought I was asking them on a date if I invited someone to go to a ballgame, for example. I have plenty of female friends, but what I really want is a male best friend or, hell, just a male friend, period,” he continues.
“Of course, everyone has their own opinions on what I should do — ‘join a meeting, a group, social activities and blah blah.’ I have done all of those things, and I can’t figure out what’s wrong. I have now learned to just keep my mouth shut and not invite anyone to do anything.”
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As usual, Abby returns with her sound advice. She also calls out what could be some anti-social homophobia among Curious in Oklahoma’s circle.
“The problem you’re having with straight men may be that they are nervous about being perceived as ‘gay by association’ if they are friendly with you,” Abby observes. “Some may also find the concept of being friends with a gay man to be threatening.”
“Taking part in group activities and outings is certainly a way to connect with others regardless of sexual orientation,” she concludes. “Eventually, you’ll meet people and form friendships. In the meantime, appreciate those female friends of yours and ask them for some input, too.”
We think Abby gives some sound advice here, though we’re also surprised that she doesn’t mention the historic climate of homophobia in Oklahoma.
Last year, a private, Christian school in Owasso, Oklahoma expelled an eight-year-old student for having a crush on a same-sex friend. Also last year, a gay bar in Oklahoma City reported vandalism of the building and cars parked in their lot two nights in a row. Politicians in the state also have a nasty record on LGBTQ issues. As recently as 2018 the State Assembly passed a bill making it legal for adoption agencies to ban same-sex couples from adopting children.
Rivcuban
Most of my friends are straight and they have no problem with my sexual orientation. I would love to have gay friends but it seems they’re always on Grindr.
Doug
I experience the same. I don’t seem to have a problem becoming friends with straight guys, but I have very few gay male friends. I feel like a lot of gay men I meet are more interested in partying and a lot of superficial stuff more than really cultivating friendships.
o.codone
I have one gay friend and he’s on the DL. All the rest are straight. IDK why it’s that way.
HankHarris
Doesn’t sound like his its, its the other guys. Never chase after friends. Particularly ones that would be ashamed of you.
Leo
Amen and thank you. Wherever I lived I always had very close straight friends. But I never lived in OK.
chat fisher
Perhaps you should look elsewhere for straight friends. The majority of my partner and my friends are straight and most are married. married. We do have gay friends as well and they have no problem mixing with our straight friends we we with theirs. Oh and we live in Asheville, NC which is a very gay friendly city.
Heywood Jablowme
I’m relieved that a gay guy in Oklahoma has THIS as his worst gay-related problem!
ducdebrabant
Abby forgot to mention women. Yes, all the reasons cited are factors, but I have had straight male friends in the past, and they remained friends until they were partnered. They introduced me to their female partners, I was as nice as I knew how, but somehow I stopped hearing from the men. Since I wasn’t part of a couple myself, of course there was no possibility of double-dating, and also, I may have been too threateningly single if they had any worries about their men’s sexual orientation. I should also mention that during the period I’m talking about I was gorgeous. Even if they weren’t worried about their guys’ fidelity, it was no picnic, probably, to these woman that I was prettier than they were. But anyway, I believe they engineered my being dropped, and dropped I was.
bachy
In my experience, straight/gay connections fall into a more classically hierarchical formula. Bossman/assistant, master/servant, leader/follower, dominant/submissive, etc. It’s not PC but it feels natural.
Mr. Stadnick
Your concept of friendship is very odd in my opinion. I have never known that to be the case with any of my friends. I have way more straight friends than I have gay friends and not once have I ever felt there was that dynamic. Maybe it is you.
bachy
Yes. I find it to be kind of a turn-on!
splunky
So you are basically self-loathing and into hetero-worship. Pathetic as heck, but you do you.
bachy
Thank you for understanding.
DennisMpls
My experience doesn’t reflect bachy’s at all. I’m an introvert by nature, and have more straight friends than gay, but none of those relationships are at all leader/follower, etc. They are all balanced and reciprocal.
I think ducdebrabant may be on to something. Even if straight guys don’t give off gay vibes at all, some women seem to have concerns about their partners getting at all “close” to a gay guy. The straight stereotype is that guys don’t share emotions or have relationships with other guys that go beyond macho posturing, sports, etc. But in my experience there are lots of straight guys that don’t limit themselves that way at all.
I have been friends with my best friend for over 20 years, and I guarantee you he is indeed straight. When we both got into the audiophile hobby at the same time we spent a lot of time together. His then girlfriend actually accused him of having a gay relationship with me, and it ultimately led to their breakup. I don’t think that type of thing is rare.
lord.krath
Agree. The subject of this article should reconsider who he is selecting as friends or where he is. Living in Austin and Denver, for example, would be a non-issue. When I was younger and still going to college, my straight coworkers would join me out to the gay clubs after/before we hit up the (straight) club district. Hell, I am 100% that even now (in my 40s) I could still coax some of them to join us out with wives in tow! I can appreciate it would be harder to make friends with a straight man by walking up to him at a coffee house, library (???), or a baseball game. Neighbors and work and friends of friends are the primary methods to become friends with straight men. I’m lucky to have such a wonderful experience and amazing support. I want that for everyone of us.
theaterbloke
I think a lot of guys, straight or not, don’t value their friendships as much as women seem to. When they enter into a relationship, their friends fall by the wayside. I’ve lost a fair amount of friends this way and I’ve seen it happen to other guys as well. The exceptions are when I’ve become friends with the significant other. Then I’m part of both their lives and apparently less disposable.
barryaksarben
OMG this and WAY too many comments reek of self hatred. I have tons of gay friends and they are not always on grinder. I have never slept with any of them which sets clear boundaries. I have had the dame best friend since 1976 and have many other friends almost as long. We know each others families, friends and lovers. DOnt focus on straight white men. I have women friends both lesbian and straight who I have visited even going overseas to do so. I am open to anyone who is kind, open, smart and especially funny with the ability to laugh at themselves. I dont bother with anyone who shows any kind of meanness or predjudiced. I started a gay BB team in Seattle back in the early 80s and met a tone of guys. DONT wait for others but go out and join in or create your own team or group or goal oriented group. DO NOT THINK straight white cis men make better friends as I have one or two straight white male friends as it is hard for them to be secure enough in their sexuality to be open to a gay man. Over time my friends and I have had problems and neither of us have ever given up on a relationship for a small issue that may pass. DOnt stay friends with anyone who is dishonest on the important things
DennisMpls
Your reference to “self hatred” sounds like a non sequitur in this context. Could you explain? And for some reason you sound angry.
I don’t think it’s a good idea to generalize your experience as being representative of the whole. It does appear to be “hard” for SOME straight guys to be “secure enough in their sexuality” to be good friends with gay guys, but obviously that’s anything but universal. I’m also puzzled where the multiple references to “white cis” men came from.
Troyfight
@Dennis… you seem awesome, and I like the shot of you and your cool dog…. but give up on barry… and his non-stop histrionics
Donston
I’m thinking by the time that you’re in your 40s, whether your friends are male or female or “straight” or “gay” or whatever, you should just be happy to have some legit friends. Because many don’t at that point in their lives. I believe in general the development of real male-male friendships are rare after the high school, college, early work years. So, if you don’t acquire them by that period in your life it becomes more difficult. Also, many overt “queer” males become friends with “straight” guys through their female friends or their sisters/female cousins.
Kangol2
I have both straight and gay male friends. Never had a problem with either, and half of the straight guys are now married to women, who are very gay-friendly, while the other half are single straight gays, and the gay friends are partnered up, but even the single ones aren’t on “Grindr” all the time. Women friends are very consistent, though, about calling, hanging out, etc.
winemaker
Making friends gets harder as you get older. Gay people seem to have a much more difficult time making friends as many times they don’t know if the other guy is gay or straight so they stay silent and let things fall by the wayside. It seems many gay guys tend to be superficial and shallow and are interested in just sex and not cultivating friendship, Living in San Francisco I ‘ve found this to pretty much be the case, too many men with too much drama and issues in their lives. After reading this article, I see many straight guys have issues about having gay friends that are platonic and not romantic. Sadly many straight guys think all gay guys are interested in is sex and are one dimensional and constantly worry they’ll be hit upon. Really some people are just too complicated.
JJinAus
MOVE!!
CityguyUSA
I think the age is part of the problem. We make connections to friends at a young age and if everything goes right we’ll make more in K-12 and college. After that guys making new friends is pretty rare in my opinion. You may make some friends through work or other group activities but they tend to not be the type of friends that will remain throughout life just because they are older and they have commitments of their own especially straight guys that are married or in relationships they mostly have kids at that age and responsibilities are endless.
I know one time I was at the chiropractor and the doctor was telling me the same thing. That he moved to a new area to start this job and he doesn’t know anyone and is finding it hard to meet other men of a similar age and similar interests.
I myself had a very similar experience once I moved after college. Either people didn’t know where I went or they just didn’t bother anymore? I don’t really know. I made some acquaintances but really didn’t have the time to put into a lot of new relationships. I eventually landed in Philly and I watched how people interacted because I was having trouble finding my place. I started asking some guys I would see around work about hanging out but I found that age differences were probably too wide. While they would spend time talking to me at work I couldn’t get them to even meet up for a game of mini-golf. I tried with several guys I would see on the regional rail but they always wanted to go hang out in bars. I already did enough of that. Since a lot of guys go around wearing headphones anymore it makes it hard to strike up a conversation although I’ve tried but with strange results.
One guy had just bought a smart phone and that I was truly interested in and so I asked him why he bought it and what did it do, etc. This was before smart phones were in everybody’s hands and the Blackberry had just come out. Now I had seen this guy for weeks on end on the train but one day we ended up sitting together. After the phone conversation however he was never on the train again. And that happened more times than I counted. I can’t explain where they went or why. I didn’t’ know them well enough to know if they changed jobs or whatever. Another guy I had sat with got to talking about our dogs and I had just had to have my dog put to sleep so we had some commonality. He gave me his phone number but for some reason I thought I would see him on the train again and it would be more natural but I never saw him again and after a while I felt funny calling him. Another guy I think was more a sexual interest than a friend but I was interested and I know he was. He tried to sit with me a few times but he was with a friend that seemed to prevent him from sitting with me. Finally one morning I went to work early and maybe he had seen me and followed me down to the train station and I was sitting on the bench and he came and sat beside me but he had those damn earphone in. I sat their for a while thinking maybe he would take them out but that didn’t happen. I finally got up and walked out to the track to see if the train was coming but it had snowed and sometimes they would run really late. Maybe I should have been more brave and grabbed his earphones out of his ear but I wasn’t sure how out he even was if he was out. I didn’t know how he might respond if I drug him down into the underpass and made out with him for breakfast. I never saw him again. Where they heck did all these guys go? Was I so intimidating that they could no longer ride the train if I didn’t do things exactly as they wanted. I found it very frustrating.
Then when my dad was sick with brain cancer I decided best to move home and I had told one of my train friends that I was going to be moving home and when we got into center city he grabbed me and hugged me and said he would really miss me. Where the hell was this guy all the time I was talking to him and his friends never did I get a vibe that we were that close.
I had befriended a bunch of guys that had rented the apartment beside my house and they were real young but they were easy to talk to and we would sit and drink beers out front or on 9/11 they invited me over to watch on their big screen TV. One time they invited me to a keg party. There were 3 of them living there all friends from school. They all knew I was gay and only one of them was a little skitzy around me. But while we were playing beer pong I really must have set him at ease. The next day he came over and said that he really appreciated having me as a friend. I was truly honored from such a young guy to say something so considerate and kind. I said that was probably one of the nicest things anyone has ever said to me.
Like a week later my landlord said I had to move because he was selling the property to his girlfriend’s daughter (yes he was married) because she needed a place to live. So did I! He tried to put me into what I called his potpartment you could smell the weed just walking outside. He took me over and I think I caught a buzz walking in the front door but even with some of the cute guys that I would share the building with there was no way. I don’t think my employer would have appreciated my clothes being permeated with the weed. I told my ex-landlord before we even went over that there’s no parking and that’s a huge problem after all he knew I had a cycle and a car. That was the last time I ever saw the guys next door having moved into a different part of the city. I had heard that they too were on the move.
So yeah, it’s tough once you are out of school and working professionally it’s hard to make those connections at least in my experience.
jt1990
Unless the man is DL, no hetero guy is going to be friends with a gay guy. Never seen it happen anyway. Except for a single case where both men were childhood pals, and one recently ‘came out’. This happened with a gay relative. But he lost contact with his straight best friend shortly after marriage. As I explained to him, the only type of guys women chase more than the ‘bad boys’ are the unattainable ones! Only a straight fool would let his woman around a gay man.
So if any of you guys want a straight best friend, consider getting a heterosexual dog. My two cents for today