TWINKIE AND THE DRAIN

Gay Republican Group, GOProud, Hoarding And Whoring Out Twinkies

In the wake of the terrifying news that there may soon be a Twinkies shortage (what will we eat at the End of Days now?), GOProud has capitalized on the ensuing pastry panic by snatching up boxes of the confectionery treat and offering them as incentives to potential donors.

Turns out Hostess, the makers of Twinkies, Ding Dongs and American Obesity, are going out of business “after failing to reach agreement on wage and pension cuts with its bakers’ union,” according to The Wall Street Journal. The 85-year-old, Irving Texas-based company will shutter all of its factories, which could put as many as 18,500 people out of a job.

Seeing an opportunity to capitalize on the misfortune of others (it is the American way, after all), the staunchly conservative group released a press release on Friday, obtained by Buzzfeed:

You know that our staff at GOProud works everyday to promote free-market principles and freedom for everyone. You may not know about our special emergency response squad. This morning when the news broke, they sprung into action and secured a supply of the coveted snack cakes. We now have a stash of Twinkies in the GOProud vault. You have a chance to take advantage of our quick response to this crisis.

We will share our limited supply of Hostess Twinkies with GOProud donors who contribute at least $50 between now and the end of November. We’ll send you a Twinkie as a token of our appreciation for your donation.

No tea, no shade: well-played, GOProud. It pays to have a special emergency response squad, also known as a team of unpaid interns who dug through Amazon. And it turns out that the strategy kinda worked out with CEO Jimmy LaSalvia reporting “some” contributions.

But if you thought that the folks at GOProud were just some cold, calculating Grand Old Partiers trying to make a quick buck off off a cheap laugh you were only half right:

In all seriousness, this sad story isn’t about the loss of a favorite snack. At the end of the day, 18,000 Americans are losing their jobs. Our thoughts and prayers are with all of the families affected by this travesty perpetrated by union bosses – more bad news for an economically weary nation.

You really can’t blame GOProud, especially not with the newly formed Twinkie Black Market, which is exactly what it sounds like: stupid. But before you start going into a diabetic coma over the impending Twinkie Apocalypse, all may not be lost. A bankruptcy judge has urged Hostess and one of its largest unions to mediate toward a labor agreement in a last-ditch meeting today.

Should the two parties fail to come to an agreement, Hostess will forgo a traditional bankruptcy and sell off its properties. Already several investors and rival companies have lined up,  eager to gobble up the Twinkies brand – so there’s probably no need to worry about the Twinkie Apocalypse.

Now you can focus on the actual Apocalypse, which is around next month-ish. Whew! What a relief.