NO SNACKS FOR YOU

Gays Accepting Holy Communion Commit Perjury, Says Legal Advisor To The Vatican

receiving communionIn an announcement surprising no one, Edward Peters, a legal advisor to the Vatican, and the Archbishop of Detroit have claimed that homosexual Catholics participating in holy Communion—the most routine of The Seven Sacraments—are not entitled to it, and accepting it would be an act of perjury.

Flavorless wafers and juice are regularly consumed by Catholics around the globe in the ceremonious ritual every Sunday, believing it to be the actual body and blood of Christ. Gay people thinking they’re also entitled to such a sacred thing is just crazy, right?

“Catholics who promote same-sex marriage act contrary to Catholic law,” Peters posted to his blog, which is probably now receiving the most traffic it’s ever had. “They “should not approach for holy Communion.” Peters failed to address the countless suppressed homosexual priests and altar boys that enjoy snacking on the wafers and juice after quickies behind the altar.

“This sort of behavior would result in publicly renouncing one’s integrity and logically bring shame for a double-dealing that is not unlike perjury,” added Allen Vigneron, the Archbishop of Detroit, who also denies crackers to parishioners that femininely saunter down the aisle toward him with outstretched palms and a sexy, ‘come hither’ look.

Yes, this means the Catholic faith has embraced aliens before gays. No word yet on whether or not gay aliens will be affected.

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20 Comments

  • Dakotahgeo

    Receiving Holy Communion in the RCC by a GLBT person is perjury? Sooo… little boys and girls who are screwed and/or sucked by the Catholic hierarchies, and Brothers/Priests, are they committing sexual abuse, sodomy, and fellatio and they’re guilty of rape, and pederasty, correct?? Ahhhh… yes, now it all makes sense!!! HYPOCRITES!!!!

  • Ridpathos

    LOL! I love the headline of this article. “No snacks for you!”

  • Dakotahgeo

    @Ridpathos: ROFLMBO!!! I completely missed that part!! Thanks for my belly laugh for the day!

  • vonlmo

    I delight in walking to the altar. I’m hopeing that the RC Church moves to excommunicate me, I double dog dare them.

  • Ottoman

    One wonders why the wafers aren’t immediately thrown up by all the Catholics on birth control. Jesus’ sacred body interacting with all those nasty unholy chemicals and all.

  • RichieW

    Well what about the Catholics who flout Catholic law as regards birth control, should they also be banned from receiving the sacrament of holy communion? If that was the
    case they would have no one or virtually no one receiving it. Sorry but even many of
    the priests would not be able to have it being that they have committed sodomy or are
    gay. This is coming from an archbishop who protected pedophile priests. He knows
    where he can go. I am a catholic and I will take communion when ever I want to. I do
    not need this bigots permission.

  • Scribe38

    I would like to come on this site for a month straight and not find some jerk from my state of Michigan knocking down gay people, but I don’t think that it is ever going to happen. :( I would also like to come on this site for one day and not read something bad said about gays from the religious community, but I know that is REALLY NOT going to happen.

  • Daniel-Reader

    All members of the Vatican should be charged under Accessory After the Fact for thousands of abuse cases where the perpetrators were shielded by Vatican employees, who essentially profiteered off hiding the criminals.

  • kevininbuffalo

    I was raised catholic. I joined the Episcopal Church 38 years ago. No one questions my right to take Communion and if I wanted to get married I would find plenty of priests to do the job. That includes the openly Lesbian pastor of the cathedral. There are plenty of churches and denominations that would welcome GLBT catholics. Why stay where they make it plain that you’re not welcome?
    Guess some people are just masochists.

  • jwrappaport

    @RichieW: Great point. Where is the doctrinal line? Is it birth control? Gay equality? Abortion? Transsubstantiation? The Serpent of Beth Chadruharazzeb?

  • Billysees

    Wonder why the catholic church, its leadership and many of its followers seem to be a threatening bunch.

    There’s NOM threatening politicians who support Gay marriage.

    There’s church officials threatening members with communion denial who support Gay marriage.

    I’m not aware that Holy Communion, as I know it, would ever be something that can used for such purposes.

    What’s wrong with this branch of Christianity ?

    A long time ago, the Reformation came along that crimped the pride and arrogance of church powers of that period.

    Why do many conservative manifestations of Christianity appear to be so loveless ?

  • EricNYCity

    but all the people who have been divorced, eat meat on fridays, wear leather, have tatoos, etc… they can still get communion??

  • doug105

    @Billysees: Yes and they should have noted Edward Peters is father to NOM’s Thomas Peters.
    The rotten fruit doesn’t fall far from the tree.

  • LaTeesha

    The Catholic Church is one of the greatest frauds ever invented.

  • tdx3fan

    @RichieW: You must need someone’s permission since you are gay and still “worship” as a Catholic. That is beyond sick!

  • Cam

    So would people who are divorced, people who use contraception, people who are unmarried virgins.

    The Church is free to enforce those laws and they will of course have zero parishioners.

  • Spike

    They can make up whatever rules they want for their silly religion, if gays want to participate, they will have to abide by those rules.

  • Eric Auerbach

    So, not to defend the RCC or anything, but both your headline and your first paragraph are innacurate. The people who shouldn’t take communion aren’t gays, it’s “Catholics who promote ‘same-sex marriage’.”

    Not sure if you printed something other than the truth because you’re unable to read for comprehension, or because you just wanted a more sensational headline.

  • Billysees

    @doug105: 13

    Didn’t know that much about the contents of NOM.

    I understand the big names in that group make some big bucks.

    Me-oh-my, the love of money…., what fruit will it spoil next ?

  • Billysees

    Check this presentation out —

    http://www.adfmedia.org/files/ExtremismPresentation.pdf

    See page 24 in particular.

    Very bold for the US Army to create this.

    It’s understandable though.

    Over the years and reading articles like here at Queerty, I become more amazed at how mean spirited religion, Islam and Christianity too, can be…….shocking.

    I never experienced or perceived this stuff when I was younger.

Comments are closed.