“John Hams is a man who has lost it all, a nine-to-five nobody with an addiction to billionaire dinosaur bad boys. That is, until a freak accident at work imbues John with the ability to transform into an achingly handsome helicopter at will.”
So reads the Amazon plot synopsis for Helicopter Man Pounds Dinosaur Billionaire Ass, the first offering by the clearly pseudonymous Dr. Chuck Tingle, a mysterious and elusive man of sexy letters who continues taunting the Internet with an onslaught of self-published gay erotica.
Quasi-affectionately nicknamed “tinglers,” his work features such unforgettable titles as Pokebutt Go: Pounded By ‘Em All; Pounded By The Pound: Turned Gay By The Socioeconomic Implications Of Britain Leaving The European Union; and, of course, Space Raptor Butt Invasion — which, thanks to the strategizing of other internet trolls, become nominated for a Hugo Award, a fact that itself became the inspiration for Tingle’s novel, Slammed In The Butt By My Hugo Award Nomination.
Things get strangely complicated in the Tingleverse.
So who exactly is this guy? Impossible to say, but there are some theories, all of which are highly sketchy. According to Daily Dot:
He’s reportedly mentally unstable, relying on Jon [his supposed son] not just for editorial guidance but assistance in his everyday life. Prior to the over $60,000 netted from ebooks sales, Jon claims, Tingle had been receiving checks from the government to get by. Tingle is said to assume the role of characters offline, once becoming a plane for a week. Perhaps the most tragic of these claims is that Tingle reportedly engages in self-harm.
And while the purpose prose in his novels is, in its own way, strangely assured (and sapt social satire, if we do say so ourselves), the persona he adopts during rare interviews suggests a barely-there manchild with a tenuous grasp on reality and the English language.
Here’s how he describes a typical morning to The Observer:
First things first I wake up and have a big spaghetti breakfast, roll out of bed and then take a shower or a bath in the upstairs bathroom if my son lets me. work on my Tae Kwon Do and meditate to come up with next tinglers. when one of them sticks in my brain I write it down that night if ted cobbler’s keeping his trap shut and not keeping up the whole block.
(Incidentally, Queerty reached out to Tingle for an interview, but never heard back.)
Obviously the mystery of Dr. Tingle is not one to be solved overnight, so instead, let’s take a look at some of career “highlights”:
In most erotica, a food fight inevitably leads to passionate lovemaking, but here, it’s the food — the “sentient food” — that becomes the object of desire. According to the synopsis: “Collected within are the most mouth watering tales of gay food and drink that you will ever indulge in… as well as Chuck’s famous recipes for spaghetti and chocolate milk.” Featuring eight stories in all, titles include “Creamed In The Butt By My Handsome Living Corn,” and “Oppressed In The Butt By My Inclusive Holiday Cups.”
Revealing Excerpt: “Two floating donuts approach me with their cocks in their tiny baked hands, beating off and looking down at my fit body as it lies contorted below them…”
Because evidently the whole Chuck Tingle thing isn’t already meta enough, this short story collection promises that “when Chuck takes the reins, no butt is left unpounded, even the reader’s, breaking through fourth walls just as easily as he does anal seals.” This time, titles include “Lonely Author Pounded by Dinosaur Social Media Followers,” and — God help us — “Pounded in The Butt By My Book ‘Pounded In The Butt By My Book “Pounded In The Butt By My Book” Pounded In The Butt By My Own Butt'”. Wheels within wheels, indeed.
Revealing Excerpt: “The creature immediately steps forward and helps to lift me up in the air, positioning himself behind me before lowering me back down…. I howl in a mixture of pain and pleasure.”
In a world only slightly less terrifying than ours, this story imagines the dictatorship of the evil Domald Tromp, who may or may not be the Loch Ness Monster and who, the synopsis teases, “may or may not be craving a lustful encounter within Pibbles’ tight butthole.” Pibbles, the protagonist, is a strangely attractive journalist.
“Speaking of immigration, I was wondering if you had anything you’d like to say about the dinosaurs who are upset about your racist comments regarding them crossing the border into America,” Barno suddenly interjects.
“Well, first of all I was talking about illegal dinosaurs, not legal dinosaurs,” Tromp explains. “If you were paying attention you’d know that, but you know what? I think you’re kind of a third rate journalist for asking that question. That’s what I think.”