Flight of the Crazies

God’s Amicus Brief on Prop. 8

With news yesterday that the California Supreme Court denied requests for Prop. 8 supporters to get an extension on their filing date for amicus briefs (the deadline was last Friday), the full case for keeping Prop. 8 now lies before the court. Now, for the most part, amicus or “friend of the court” briefs are pretty dull and uninteresting, but this one’s from God Itself — sorry, the Kingdom of Heaven World Divine Mission — so listen up. This gets interesting.

I’ve been cataloging the failures of logic, self-important quackery and feigned concern of the religious right for just about forever it seems, but the amicus brief filed by D. Q. Mariette Do-Nguyen of the Kingdom of Heaven World Divine Mission has raised the bar for all pretenders to the nutjob throne.

You can read the whole thing here.

Fred Phelps has some major catching up to do. It’s a three-ring, 40-page comic masterpiece that will dazzle your eyes and delight your senses that just so happens to be the will of God. I imagine the justices of Supreme Court are probably getting drunk this very minute and performing dramatic readings of its better passages to each other.

But why should they have all the fun? Without further ado, the director’s cut of Kingdom of Heaven: Prop 8 Edition, perhaps the only funny thing to come out of California’s loss of equal rights.

D. Q. Mariette Do-Nguyen isn’t just a modern day comic genius, she also happens to be God’s heiress. It says so on her MySpace page where her “About Me” reads:

“I D. Q. Mariette, an Advocatess proceeded from my fully God Spirit Father! I incarnated on earth as fully God and fully human for fulfill Messiah promise of God turns to earth, dwells among human race and to bring those obey God our Father’s commandments to Him!”

Which beats the fuck all out of whatever we have on our “About Me” now. Haven’t been on MySpace in ages, so we’ve forgotten. Her top friends include Our Lady of Fatima, Pope Benedict XVI, HRH Queen Elizabeth II, Joan of Arc, Tony Blair, Prince William, Prince Charles, Queen Noor, Raising Malawi, Father Wade, Bill Gates, Queen Esther, King Abdullah II, King Hussein I, Don Lemon, HM Harald V of Norway, Miss Vietnam Global, Bishop Ralph , Welcome To The Official Sean Hannity MySpace! and the International House of Pancakes.

The page is covered in enough Christian-themed Blingee to put Wonkette’s Peggy Noonan coverage out of business. It’s amazing.

Much of the 40 page brief is focused on abortion rather than gay marriage and while it’s entirely possible that Advocatess Do-Nguyen (best drag name, ever) is just repurposing old material for the gays, we think it’s just God explain that everything’s interconnected, like in that movie Butterfly Effect, only if it were changed so that if Aston Kutcher marries a boy, babies will die.

Many interesting insights here. For one, God’s law is just like all the laws on Earth, which is impressive since the laws on Earth and not at all like each other. I mean, He may be divine and all, but even He can’t employ common law and civil law at the same time. Anyway, being gay’s like being an assasin, but Queerty readers already know about that thanks to our coverage of Jason Statham and the Transporter series. By the way, we’re only on page four.

Actually, this part is pretty much true, secret telex transfers not withstanding.

Weed through the entertaining insanity and you’ll hear the exact same argument made by Rick Warren, the Mormon Church, Catholic bishops, and other religious folks who want to say that the way we love is wrong.

Seriously. Now I’m sure by now you’re wondering why we shouldn’t just dismiss this woman as a crackpot, despite the fact that this 40-page document is actually something that will theoretically factor into a decision which will effect the lives of thousands of gays and lesbians. Well, here’s why: Weed through the entertaining insanity and you’ll hear the exact same argument made by Rick Warren, the Mormon Church, Catholic bishops, and other religious folks who want to say that the way we love is wrong. “God doesn’t love you the way you are. You must change or God won’t love you and if God doesn’t love you, then you don’t count.” That’s the snake oil that’s being sold and the ignorant and the uniformed lap it up.

Here’s the thing though: Just because your God doesn’t love me doesn’t mean that my God doesn’t. There’s a brief scene in The West Wing that gets to the heart of the matter. A conservative senator ask Jeb Bartlett if he believes every word of the Bible is true and the president says “Yes, but I don’t think any of us are smart enough to understand it.” How is it that Christianity, a religion founded by a man whose chief message was to love your neighbor as yourself, has spent most of its 2,000-year history dividing man from man and committing acts of hatred in the name of God? No wonder the fear of Judgment Day is so acute. If Jesus Christ were to come to the Earth today and see what his followers have become, he’d do a lot more than flip over the tables of a few money lenders.

This brief is hilarious because it’s so misguided and angry, but its extreme cluelessness lays bare the basic idiocy at the heart of the more nuanced arguments of folks like Rick Warren and the Mormon Church. They fear for our eternal souls but their words and acts have made life here on Earth a hell for far too many gays, lesbians, bisexuals and transgenders. Too many of us have been the victim of hate crimes by people who have sat in the pews of homophobic churches. Too many teenagers have killed themselves or lived in depression or felt alone because their pastor tells them the way they were born — the way God made them — is a sin. Too many families have been ripped apart in the name of following God’s word.

I want to respect the private beliefs of everyone I meet. Diversity of belief is one of the things that make this country great, but increasingly these days, as I examine my own beliefs and the beliefs of those who tell me that the way I love, the most human emotion I can experience, is a sin, the more I see that it is they who are wrong, not me.

I don’t need a direct pipeline to God to know it; the answer’s in my heart.

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  • SoCalTeen

    At first I couldn’t tell if she was being satirical or was the real deal. Whatever the hell she is, she got me laughing!

  • bobito

    Okay, now this is a deal I can get behind: “If [homosexuals] do not change their sexual conduct and pay in full for damages caused while they are on earth, they must surely pay after their earthly lives!”

    Agreed. I’ll pay AFTER my earthly life, if it’s all the same to God’s ‘heiress’, thank you very much.

    I also think it might be a worthwhile experiment to try this “each marriage between one man and one woman only” – no do-overs, no “okay, this marriage didn’t work out. Let me try again with somebody else.” ONE MAN & ONE WOMAN… see how long the fundies would be holding to that tenet.

  • Tim

    Wait. She isn’t a drag queen?

  • REBELComx

    While reading this, i just keep hearing that psycho teacher from Donnie Darko, Mrs. Farbers’s voice in my head…anyone else?

  • L

    Hilarious stuff. And a great, serious wrap-up at the end. Thanks, Japhy.

  • TikiHead

    @ REBRLcomx,

    Kitty Farmer: If you don’t complete the assignment, you’ll get a zero for the day.
    Donnie: [motions to speak… ]
    [cut to principal’s office]
    Principal Cole: So… Let’s go over this again. What exactly did you say to Ms Farmer?
    Kitty Farmer: [loudly interjecting] I’ll tell you what he said! He asked me to forcibly insert the lifeline exercise card into my anus!
    Edward Darko: [attempts to stifle a laugh]

    Another great line:

    Kitty Farmer (to Mrs. Darko): Sometimes I doubt your commitment to Sparkle Motion!

  • ChristopherJ


  • horus

    phụ nữ này là điên

  • horus

    poor translation, it should read ‘this woman is a lunatic’

  • REBELComx

    Yes, Farmer… that’s what i meant. Thanks, Tiki. My hands are too big for this keyboard and I type too quickly. lol.
    “Kitty, do you even know who Graham Greene is?”
    “(Scoff)I think we have all seen Bonanza.”
    She was in To Wong Foo also, and i just saw her in something on TV…I think it was Pushing up Daisies with Kristin Chenowith…which is funny cause I always thought she would make a good, middle aged Elphaba.

  • Joe Lagana

    I love the way you deconstruct all the bullshit, and bring it around back again to what matters most. I appreciate you and this site so very much.

  • gayvirgo

    Wow…I wish I could be a fly in the wall of the judges chambers when they run across THAT brief!

    Nicely done, nicely presented, and nicely wrapped.

    I know what their God thinks of me. I know what MY God thinks of me. What I don’t understand is why their God is better than my God in a country where equality in all things is the goal and religious freedom, in particular, was one of the foundations of our government.

    If there is anyone reading this who can explain to me why their beliefs should be honored and supported and not mine I would like to hear it.

  • pcnguyen

    Oh how I needed to laugh that hard.

    THank you.

  • PearlsBeforeSwine


    Your comment made me think about what Father Guido Sarducci sez about paying for our sins.


    What do you suppose cocksucking costs?

  • Charles J. Mueller

    Whatever the hustlers on Hollywood and Vine are charging these days. ;-)

  • Charles J. Mueller

    “I D. Q. Mariette, an Advocatess proceeded from my fully God Spirit Father! I incarnated on earth as fully God and fully human for fulfill Messiah promise of God turns to earth, dwells among human race and to bring those obey God our Father’s commandments to Him!”

    As outrageous as this may sound, it is no more insane than our rabidly Born Again Christian President Bush claiming that God spoke to him and ordered him to invade Afghanistan and Iraq with the disastrous results we bore witness to.


    “Gays must in full for damages caused while on earth”

    Do I hear the thinly disguised suggestion of Reverend Phelps who is calling for Federal Legislation to outlaw homosexual behavior and make it a crime punishable by death?

    And what of the hundreds of wars, the hundreds of thousands, nay, millions of homes and personal property burned down, destrayed, sacked and pillaged and the millions of innocent lives destroyed, all in the name of God? History if rife with the damage caused by religion. Google it for yourself. It’s all a matter of public record.

    And who should pay for for this damage as well?

    Oh, silly me. I forgot that it was most likely the gays who did all of that damage as well.

    We get blamed for everything by the religious loonies; the bad weather (Pat Robertson on Katrina) volcanic eruptions, floods, tsunamis (Dawson) causing God to hate Nations (Fred Phelps) and all manner of natural catastrophes as God’s anger directed at Gays. Come to think of it, God sure does pretty crappy aim, since he takes so many str8s out trying to get to us. More gutter balls than strikes.

    And, of course, the latest thing we are now being blamed for is destroying marriage which is approaching the 50% divorce rate.
    If it wasn’t for those damned queers, every man on the planet would be married to a woman and the divorce rate would be zero!

    One cannot help but wonder what the total population of the planet might be at this moment in time if this stupit assertion were true? The present six billion people on the planet, would make it look as if we humans were on the veritable verge of extinction.

    Oh, and while we are on the topic of blaming gays for everything wrong with the planet, this piece of Jewish propaganda and lies trivializing the plight of homosexuals entitled “Why gays must not be compared to Jews.”


    Hmmm…how often have we heard similar attempts at minimalizing homosexuals from the black community?

    “Your civil-rights are not the same thing as black civil-rights and you shouldn’t be comparing them to it. After all, we blacks suffered for 300 years.”

    Guess suffering for some 2,000 years can’t hold a candle to 300 years of suffering, can it? “My pain and suffering is bigger and better than your pain and suffering.”

    Face it kiddies. We ain’t liked by no one. We’re even more despised hated than the gypsies who haven’t exactly been welcome visitors to the planet either.

  • BrianPrince

    I think it odd that in the Amicus Letter, the “heiress” didn’t capitalize Earth. For some reason, we forget about proper nouns.

    I’d like to read the entire brief… I bet ya’ it’s good reading.

  • Brian Miller

    Why do people in the LGBT community keep giving this shit attention?!?

    Comedy value is one thing, but this stuff isn’t even all that funny. Fisking it is the equivalent of heading down to the local insane asylum to debate one of the most paranoid of the local schizophrenic folks.

  • michael

    This is actually terrific as it reminds the judges of just how insane religious people and their arguments against gay marriage (or any other thing) can be. I have always said
    that these nut cases would eventually show that they are nothing but mentally ill people. So I say let briefs like this keep coming as they are an embarrassment to the middle ground, intelligent religious folks and makes them want to run as far in the other direction as they can get. Human beings have a difficult time figuring things out when it is still all in their heads. Lay it out on the outside and they can then see the how absurd many of the things they have come to believe really are. They do this kind of thing in treatment centers and in therapy all the time and it works.

  • Gorbeh

    Haha if she was God’s heiress she wouldn’t even need to go to the court. She could just zap us all to high hell.

  • BrianPrince

    @Brian Miller: When I worked in poverty law, I had a schizophrenic client. She came in, after having written letters to the state and federal-level legislators for the state of Ohio, as well as to Senator Clinton and President Bush.

    She insisted, beyond all reason, that the federal government was subsidizing paychecks for college students to make sex noises in her walls, her furniture, and her television. The woman systematically stripped her house of internal furnishings in an attempt to rid it of the voices.

    When I reviewed her eviction case and the letters to the legislators, I agreed that the issue might well be something our office would handle, and that I’d present it to the attorneys — but, because she had just been served with the eviction notice and still had some time… my major concern was her mental health.

    I kindly urged the woman to see a counselor at the local mental health clinic, even offering to arrange for an appointment and transportation for her. The lady boldly looked at me, and politely refused… because the local mental health clinic is helping the Federal government pay the college kids to make sex noises.

    She says that she understands that they’re just concerned for her, and are there to watch after her… and just get bored because she doesn’t lead an exciting life, so preoccupy themselves in other ways.

    What struck me as particularly odd is that the woman looked like an every-day citizen. She was in her early fifties, VERY well-groomed, well-dressed, well-spoken.

    Clearly, from her situation… she only had about three crayons left in the box… if that. She was definitely well on her way to a psych ward.

    The point I’m trying to make is that debating with schizophrenic folks can be a complete blast… you never know, the amicus brief might be, too.

    The lady, by the way, was… of course, evicted from her house. She did not, however lose her housing assistance, and we were able to get her another 30 days in her unfurnished abode, so that other arrangements could be made.

  • Paul Ginandes

    Wow, her myspace page has so much sparkly crap and kitty cat images. I was afraid if I looked at it for too long, I might get diabetes!

  • Mark


    Không phải tất cả các người trong số họ.

  • Jay

    I seriously thought she was a tranny. Like for reals.

    Thats weird that God told her all that though. God told me its perfectly fine to sleep with whoever you want to.

    Also, God is totally a woman…well maybe a tranny.

  • timmyweb

    Coincidentally began reading this post and then Nine Inch Nail’s “God Given” came up on the iPod. Is it a sign?

  • Keith

    @Brian Miller:

    You HAVE to give this attention!!! This stuff is funny to us skeptics and freethinkers BUT this is REAL to them—very real. If we don’t pay attention to this stuff, all of society’s unwanted will find themselves waking up to policemen at their door, throwing us in jail for ‘crimes’ against their ‘Gawd’.

  • Anonymous

    She is not of we thought. She knews things we do not know – We must learn from her for our benefit!

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