Flight of the Crazies

God’s Amicus Brief on Prop. 8

With news yesterday that the California Supreme Court denied requests for Prop. 8 supporters to get an extension on their filing date for amicus briefs (the deadline was last Friday), the full case for keeping Prop. 8 now lies before the court. Now, for the most part, amicus or “friend of the court” briefs are pretty dull and uninteresting, but this one’s from God Itself — sorry, the Kingdom of Heaven World Divine Mission — so listen up. This gets interesting.

I’ve been cataloging the failures of logic, self-important quackery and feigned concern of the religious right for just about forever it seems, but the amicus brief filed by D. Q. Mariette Do-Nguyen of the Kingdom of Heaven World Divine Mission has raised the bar for all pretenders to the nutjob throne.

You can read the whole thing here.

Fred Phelps has some major catching up to do. It’s a three-ring, 40-page comic masterpiece that will dazzle your eyes and delight your senses that just so happens to be the will of God. I imagine the justices of Supreme Court are probably getting drunk this very minute and performing dramatic readings of its better passages to each other.

But why should they have all the fun? Without further ado, the director’s cut of Kingdom of Heaven: Prop 8 Edition, perhaps the only funny thing to come out of California’s loss of equal rights.

D. Q. Mariette Do-Nguyen isn’t just a modern day comic genius, she also happens to be God’s heiress. It says so on her MySpace page where her “About Me” reads:

“I D. Q. Mariette, an Advocatess proceeded from my fully God Spirit Father! I incarnated on earth as fully God and fully human for fulfill Messiah promise of God turns to earth, dwells among human race and to bring those obey God our Father’s commandments to Him!”

Which beats the fuck all out of whatever we have on our “About Me” now. Haven’t been on MySpace in ages, so we’ve forgotten. Her top friends include Our Lady of Fatima, Pope Benedict XVI, HRH Queen Elizabeth II, Joan of Arc, Tony Blair, Prince William, Prince Charles, Queen Noor, Raising Malawi, Father Wade, Bill Gates, Queen Esther, King Abdullah II, King Hussein I, Don Lemon, HM Harald V of Norway, Miss Vietnam Global, Bishop Ralph , Welcome To The Official Sean Hannity MySpace! and the International House of Pancakes.

The page is covered in enough Christian-themed Blingee to put Wonkette’s Peggy Noonan coverage out of business. It’s amazing.

Much of the 40 page brief is focused on abortion rather than gay marriage and while it’s entirely possible that Advocatess Do-Nguyen (best drag name, ever) is just repurposing old material for the gays, we think it’s just God explain that everything’s interconnected, like in that movie Butterfly Effect, only if it were changed so that if Aston Kutcher marries a boy, babies will die.

Many interesting insights here. For one, God’s law is just like all the laws on Earth, which is impressive since the laws on Earth and not at all like each other. I mean, He may be divine and all, but even He can’t employ common law and civil law at the same time. Anyway, being gay’s like being an assasin, but Queerty readers already know about that thanks to our coverage of Jason Statham and the Transporter series. By the way, we’re only on page four.

Actually, this part is pretty much true, secret telex transfers not withstanding.

Weed through the entertaining insanity and you’ll hear the exact same argument made by Rick Warren, the Mormon Church, Catholic bishops, and other religious folks who want to say that the way we love is wrong.

Seriously. Now I’m sure by now you’re wondering why we shouldn’t just dismiss this woman as a crackpot, despite the fact that this 40-page document is actually something that will theoretically factor into a decision which will effect the lives of thousands of gays and lesbians. Well, here’s why: Weed through the entertaining insanity and you’ll hear the exact same argument made by Rick Warren, the Mormon Church, Catholic bishops, and other religious folks who want to say that the way we love is wrong. “God doesn’t love you the way you are. You must change or God won’t love you and if God doesn’t love you, then you don’t count.” That’s the snake oil that’s being sold and the ignorant and the uniformed lap it up.

Here’s the thing though: Just because your God doesn’t love me doesn’t mean that my God doesn’t. There’s a brief scene in The West Wing that gets to the heart of the matter. A conservative senator ask Jeb Bartlett if he believes every word of the Bible is true and the president says “Yes, but I don’t think any of us are smart enough to understand it.” How is it that Christianity, a religion founded by a man whose chief message was to love your neighbor as yourself, has spent most of its 2,000-year history dividing man from man and committing acts of hatred in the name of God? No wonder the fear of Judgment Day is so acute. If Jesus Christ were to come to the Earth today and see what his followers have become, he’d do a lot more than flip over the tables of a few money lenders.

This brief is hilarious because it’s so misguided and angry, but its extreme cluelessness lays bare the basic idiocy at the heart of the more nuanced arguments of folks like Rick Warren and the Mormon Church. They fear for our eternal souls but their words and acts have made life here on Earth a hell for far too many gays, lesbians, bisexuals and transgenders. Too many of us have been the victim of hate crimes by people who have sat in the pews of homophobic churches. Too many teenagers have killed themselves or lived in depression or felt alone because their pastor tells them the way they were born — the way God made them — is a sin. Too many families have been ripped apart in the name of following God’s word.

I want to respect the private beliefs of everyone I meet. Diversity of belief is one of the things that make this country great, but increasingly these days, as I examine my own beliefs and the beliefs of those who tell me that the way I love, the most human emotion I can experience, is a sin, the more I see that it is they who are wrong, not me.

I don’t need a direct pipeline to God to know it; the answer’s in my heart.