OLD FRIENDS

Gonorrhea Is Back… And It’s Pissed!

“The clap” has grown into thunderous applause as the Little-STD-That-Could has become an antibiotic-resistant superbug that’s very difficult to kill. Fun.

How bad is it? Let’s ask lead researcher Magnus Unemo, professor at the Swedish Reference Laboratory for Pathogenic Neisseria in Örebro, Sweden:

“This is both an alarming and a predictable discovery. Since antibiotics became the standard treatment for gonorrhea in the 1940s, this bacterium has shown a remarkable capacity to develop resistance mechanisms to all drugs introduced to control it…” [This] could hail gonorrhea’s transition from treatable STD to global public health threat. “While it is still too early to assess if this new strain has become widespread, the history of newly emergent resistance in the bacterium suggests that it may spread rapidly unless new drugs and effective treatment programs are developed.”

But gonorrhea isn’t really that bad, right?

As if painful testicles, urethral pus, oral ulcers, anal itching, and burning vaginal discharge weren’t enough (sorry, were you eating?), untreated gonorrhea can also result in serious blood infections, sterility, chronic joint pain, and even blindness. Also, if you have a baby, gonorrhea will eat its eyes.

Perhaps the worst thing—no one will ever want to go down on you ever again.

But don’t worry, 50 percent of you probably already have HPV. STDs have become very popular these days. But one day there will mostly likely be designer STDs that are less common and very chic to catch—”Oh, you don’t have rectal troggoblimpus yet? Well no wonder… it’s very exclusive. Now excuse me while I go and shit napalm.”